I feel so guilty (page 2)

Matty

Gosh - Leander you should apologize? I should apologize! I don't want anything putting you off posting your feelings here. It's my only outlet at the moment - and I guess you don't have a heap of sympathetic people to talk to either - so please throw as many ideas as you want here and if I respond with a load of crap feel free to ignore me!

ashitaka

Sorry if I sounded like an asshole, leander, but I was just saying don't throw the baby out with the bathwater.....but, if your wife is a control freak, and rules your life, then consider all options, but if she truly does love you, and you think you can work out a comprimise, then I hope you do.

Good luck in whatever you decide.

ashi

Mister Biggs

Leander-

I am in almost the exact same situation as you (except I'm 32 years old and I have no desire to smoke blunts).

When I read some of your posts I have to stop and ponder if it was actually I that made the post!

You can e-mail me if you'd like.

voltaire

Leander,

I can empathize with you. My wife and I are separated right now. I tried to hold on to the "truth" for several years because I knew that if I admitted to others that I didn't believe in the organization anymore that our marriage would be tough to hold together. My wife is a VERY loyal witness. At one point in our discussions, I asked her to tell me one thing she would not do even if the society asked her to. She refused to answer. I wanted her to draw a line, to say here is my personal space, the WT ends here and my individual personality begins. She couldn't do it. Our discussions always ended in her crying or me crying, or usually both of us crying.

I left about three months ago. I had been telling her for two years that I don't want to be an apostate in my own home. I can't live with a person who would associate with people who wouldn't even talk to me. I have dreams, too. I want to have a family. But I don't want my children being taught that their father is an apostate, a dog returning to its vomit. I was raised thinking my father would die at Armageddon unless we could convert him. That's nothing short of child abuse.

I love my wife. We've been married for more than 10 years. I know I can never fully replace the relationship that I have with her. But, at this point, I feel that it's not possible for me to survive emotionally in such a marriage. She has every right to believe what she wants to and to associate with whom she wishes, but I've all but ruined my health by trying to live a lie for about four years. I've come to the conclusion that it isn't fair for her to try to keep me in a situation that was crushing me emotionally. I wish she could be more flexible in her outlook, but I respect her firmness. It takes a lot of faith to put your religion ahead of your marriage.

What to tell you is another story. I agonized over the morality of leaving my wife. In my case I really felt that they left me. I didn't do anything wrong, but she along with the congregation refuse to recognize the right of individuals to reexamine their religion and come to different conclusions.

I can say that if you feel strongly about leaving you may find waiting only causes resentment to build. I realized that if I don't have children ( in a normal family), that as the years go by , and the possibility of having a family slips away, I would become more and more resentful. I feel like the WT almost robbed me of my chance to have a family by filling my head with lies about Armagedon. In 10-15 years I think I would most likely be so disgusted with it all, and my wife's blind devotion to such outrageous lies, that I would probably leave her anyway.

One more thing. Be patient. You're young. A few more months won't hurt. I'm glad that I thought everything through very carefully. I have a clean conscience about it all because I didn't rush into anything. They threatened me with expulsion, they pushed me out. I don't feel like I left and that's important to me.

Good luck. Let us know how you're doing from time to time.

Ron

Imbue

Leander,
I would suggest that you don't make any decisions until you have at least tried to live some of your dreams of being creative with your marraige intact. You can't be creative and remain in your marriage? You won't find many people that understand the creative needs of artists. You will need to accept that no matter where you go. The grass insn't always greener else where!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Not part of the inner circle class"-Larc

qwerty

You have email!

Please reply mate.

qwerty

luvmylife

A friend told me about this site...I've been searching for one for a long time! As luck would have it, yours is the first post that I read, and I have some advice to offer you. If you love your wife, do not let the WTS take her away from you. While leaving the "truth" is definitely the right thing to do for your life, it brings with it (at least for me) a really tough period of adjustment during which you'll find that you're doubting yourself and struggling with so many different emotions - the biggest one being guilt and depression over the friends and family that you have hurt. We've all gone through it...but DO NOT FACE THIS ALONE. Stay with your wife and go through this period of change while you're still in a familiar setting with the person who loves you the most. Who knows - while it seems unlikely now, she may even begin to see things your way! In time, you'll know what needs to happen with your marriage. And if you wait for that time, you will feel less guilty knowing that you gave it an honest shot. My heart goes out to you. This is such a difficult time...the best and healthiest thing that you can do for yourself is to find a good therapist and talk openly with them regularly. It helped me see things from a different perspective and I got through it. Now I love my life AND have a wonderful husband. I'll be thinking of you!

luvmylife

BluesBrother

I can empathise with so much of what you feel. I have never lived alone ,went from parents to wife, was a M/S then soon an elder and a treadmill ensued of meetings, preparation ,service, next meeting etc.
What would I have become? no one knows or cares now.

But some things in life are too important to be lost in an indulgence of self pity, like a good wife for instance!
She will need help to get through a hard time when you quit the Borg.
Give her as much as you can? Try some of your dreams, you never know, she may still be there for you.

PS , Who am I to give advice?

SPAZnik

Leander...

wow...i'm feeling for ya right now
and can totally relate.

i left my spouse,

then i left "the truth"

not at exactly the same time,

but very close together.

it was a lot to handle all at once.

Timing is a lot.

All i can really offer as advice is
"try to only do things
when you feel really ready...
or it seems right for you."

I was reeeeally ready to leave my spouse
it felt right so that part was, dare i say, easy.
I have no regrets/guilt there.

I was almost ready to leave the religion
but it happened a little faster than i
would have liked. The timing on that one
was a little tougher, but I'm slowly coming to
grips with that and enjoying feeling
guilt-free...only a few regrets about
how and whens of it all.

Leaving your religion
and/or leaving your marriage
are two separate issues
(even though they can seem so very intertwined at times).

Try and be open-minded to options on
how to handle your situation...
look forward to days without guilt.

All the advice here seems good.
Counsellors can be helpful,
even just as a sounding board,
IF you feel comfortable enough to be
honest with them, and with yourself.
It's true that it's tuff for us to
comment very well on your marital
situation or what to do there.
It sounds to me like you care for
your wife, and don't want to hurt her
(this has been a theme with you since
your first posts). (Maybe go through
some of your other changes first
and then reassess the situation as far
as whether it has drawn the two of you
ultimately closer or farther.
Who knows, maybe being more yourself
and more honest about who you are
will be appealing to her in spite of
the religious differences. Maybe
she will respect your decisions.
Then again maybe not. i dunno,
i'm jes' speculatin' here.)

i think it's great that you vent here
when you are up or down too. That seems
healthy IMHO, so don't be sorry or guilty
for posting your thoughts here ok...

it's also neat that you are
thinking about goals and future plans
like pursuing your creative, artistic
talents. Keep that up!! I love hearing
about people's dreams...it's GREAT!

Rootin' for ya!

SPAZ

Kristen

Leander,
I have walked a similar path as you. In the beginning of my unraveling from the JW religion, I wanted to scrap it all too. I ended up scrapping some things but holding onto others.

Whatever you decide, I wish you well.

Kristen

I feel so guilty

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