Hey I know how you feel. Turning 30 makes you think. It happened to me. But I got over it and wasted another dozen years waiting for the big "A". I eventually got divorced. Lost all my JW "friends." My ex-wife turned the children against me. Apostacy charges did'nt help. My own mother is afraid of talking to me in case someone finds out. My ex-wife gets 35% of my income (for 1 more year) the government gets another 35%. I even lost my beautiful house, but I cound'nt afford it anyway. I feel battered but believe it or not I am happy.
If you tackle the religious issue first some of the guilt will go away. Remember that scripture? "Adultresses do you not know that friendship with the world is emity with God?" I think adultry can be more than sexual. It can mean putting your religion, an organization or the world before your God or mate.
Remember that when the JW tactics begin you will see some changes in the love.
Lot of good advise in the above posts.
Your post got me out of the shadows watching and send you my first post
I feel so guilty
by Leander 28 Replies latest jw friends
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The Alchemist
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COMF
Hi, Leander. I don't recall ever responding directly to a post of yours, but I have read your posts with pleasure and agreement. I thought it might interest you to know that your thoughts are not as selfish or unusual as you seem to think. Below is a link to a post I made over a year ago, in which I mused about the same things. Note that I was unmarried and my children were grown and out on their own when I made this post, but I was living with someone. I moved out of that arrangement soon after, and have lived by myself for the past year. Am I happy? Yeah, buddy.
In this post, I gave two links to a quoted segment from a book. Those links don't work any more, but I'll post the revised ones below as well.
The thread: http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/forum/thread.asp?id=4864&site=3
The revised links:
- http://home.attbi.com/~fredsaw/Lindbergh/Double_Sunrise1.html
- http://home.attbi.com/~fredsaw/Lindbergh/Double_Sunrise2.htmlEnjoy. Email me if you like.
COMF
And, as the cock crew, those who stood before
The tavern shouted--"Open then the door!
"You know how little while we have to stay,
"And, once departed, may return no more." -
ShaunaC
Leander, I understand how you are feeling. I left both my marriage and the Org at the same time. While I would encourage you to make things right with your wife and not to be too rash...I also understand from my own situation that I was married at 18 and had never decided with full knowledge and wisdom to spend the rest of my life with my hubby. When I left the Org I knew he would not follow. I didn't want him to. The major point of me leaving everything was to finally live my own life. I had not been happily married since virtually the beginning but faked it for almost 7 years.
In the end, you alone will have to figure out the right way for you. Don't let anyone elses morals or opinions decide for you. Good luck! I wish you well in your decision.
Shauna
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dobby
Leander-have been reading many of your posts.
This one very moving. You really have one, possibly two issues to sort out...
Do you really love your wife and want to be married to her?
If you don't - do what you gotta do.
If you do - give her a chance. I gave my husband a chance, I told him about my feelings and he as been so understanding and supportive and we are working everything out together. He is even encouraging me to pursue talents and interests I had put aside for years for "the truth".
Good Luck.
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Mazza
They say you shouldn't make too many changes at once. I guess part of your problem is if you leave the troof only, then you have your wife's family to look disapprovingly upon you during those regular family gatherings. Not a small problem IMO. You certainly won't be bored for the first few weeks of dropping the bomb shell. You will have a lot of adrenalin flowing, dealing with questions and irrational reactions. What might surprise you is your wife's reaction. When I told my husband I had doubts, he came back at me with a whole bunch of his own. We left the dubs together and then we went to live overseas and have had a great life. He went on to get a Ph.D and fulfilled his dreams to be an educator and we raised our kids in the real world - which turned out to be uneventful - no bad probs etc. We are just about to celebrate 30 yrs married and the last 20 - since we left the dubs, have been way, way, way better than the first 10 (dubs). Why not see what your wife really thinks? She might be just as anxious as you to 'get a life'.
Marilyn
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Leander
Wow, I'm suprised at all the responses. I appreciate all the comments, I feel a little bit better knowing that some of you have been through similar issues and still have been able to emerge from it all with positive outlooks.
I'm still trying to figure out what I should do next, but at least I feel much better than I did yesterday.
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Shimmer
Leander,
Wow!! You are where my husband was about 4 or 5 years ago. He went through what I called a midlife crises. He was about the same age as you and pretty much said all of those same things to me. It hit me like a ton of bricks, because for me it had come out of nowhere, although for him it was something that he had felt for a long time.
Of course I tried to talk him out of it and to just keep on keeping on, but he was determined. First, he made the decision to stop going to meetings. It was hard for me at first but as a friend told me "The more familiar something is, the more acceptable it becomes". So I got used to that.
Then he decided that we should separate so he could experience life on his own and find out who he was and all of that. So, because we have two kids together, I told him that he had one year to figure it out and if after one year he still wasn't sure I was going to divorce him and move back to our hometown, which is clear across the U.S. If we wouldn't have had kids, I don't know if I would have given him that time though.
Well, it was the worst year of my life, but I wouldn't change what happened for anything. During that year we stayed civil "for the kids". Which was really hard for me because I wanted to rip his eyes out. Also during that year I tried to see things from his perspective and understand how he was feeling. And just because I didn't feel the same way didn't mean that he was wrong for feeling the way he did.
I also got a taste of what life would be like without him and decided that I wanted to be with him more than anything. Oddly enough, my husband is a musician and wanted to be in a band also but I always made him feel stupid for wanting that. But while we were separated he formed a band and they've been together ever since. And I've since discovered that he is a much better husband and father when he is allowed to follow his dreams and passions. And I needed to find my own passion and stop trying to control him and his feelings and decisions.
We did have a lot of marriage counseling during our separation. And we both made a lot of changes in our personalities for the better. I became less controlling and he became more tolerant. Which helped a lot. And yesterday we celebrated our 14 year wedding anniversary. We have never been happier.
I don't know where your journey is going to take you but I just wanted to share my experience from the other side.
Shimmer
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Reborn2002
Leander-
I just read your post, and so it comes to this. Ironically you and I had this discussion on the phone a few days ago.
I told you exiting the JW's would be the most difficult transition of your life, and that you needed support on the way out. LittleToe made an excellent point in saying:
It may be that the act of leaving the JW's will cause her to go her own way, anyway.
Heed this. From what you have said publicly and told me on the phone she is a very loyal JW who is fully indoctrinated and went into hysterics at your even questioning the religion.
The truth is that it will likely hurt her greatly, and she may have great difficulty understanding why you are leaving the WTS.You said:
Also the fact that I'm naturally a loner makes it a little easier for me to deal with the fact that many of my friends will probably shun me.
Be prepared for that as well. It is surpising how quickly the JW "friends" you have spontaneously avoid you like plague, and most do not comprehend the depth of the harsh treatment and shunning unless they have been personally subjected to it.I am somewhat of a loner as well. When I became inactive before I DA myself, 99% of the JW "friends" I had known all my life ceased to exist. After my DA, 100% of the JW's I had known have nothing to do with me. Not that I mind that, I actually prefer it, but be prepared for slanderous gossip and insults behind your back.
Regarding your wife, every action has an equal and opposite reaction. She will respond in some manner from your exit from the JW's. It is just undetermined as of yet if she will accept you for who you are and encourage your pursuits, or abhor you as she is taught to treat those who reject the WTBTS teachings.
The bottom line is you have to do what is best for yourself and for her. You have to make yourself happy, and no matter what you do, someone you care for is not going to be satisfied with your choice.
I sympathize and relate to your position. I am not married, but I know what it is like to agonize over a decision because of the way an immediate family member may then view and treat you.
The one thing in life no person wants in their older age is
regret. To reflect on their life and say I "woulda, coulda, shoulda" Follow your dreams, pursue art and literature and topics/hobbies with make you happy. I would hate to see you 20 years from now approaching 50 saying "I should have" or "I could have"True love would transcend a disagreement in religious doctrine. Her real feelingsand loyalty to you in marriage will be made manifest once you take action first. Unfortunately the scenario you are experiencing right now is the test which will determine where you and her stand.
You have my support, and you have my phone number.
If you ever need someone to talk to about anything, I am here for you. We are in this together Lee, if we exJW's (You will soon to be ex Im guessing ) dont support one another, then no one will.
Stay strong my friend.
It is not religious persecution for an informed person to expose publicly a certain religion as being false, thus allowing persons to see the difference between false religion and true religion.
WT 11/15/1963 page 688 paragraph 3 -
larc
Leander,
This really a complex situation, and it is hard to tell how things are going to turn out. I seems to me, that you should take one major decision at a time. You know for sure that you don't want to be a JW any more, so perhaps you should make that break first and see what the fall out is from your wife. If you start pursueing your artistic interests, she will either make accomodations regarding your new life style or she won't. I think once you start your new journey, it will become clearer as to what you should do regarding your marriage.
Well, those are my 2 cents worth. I wish you the best at a very dificult time of transition.