I'm slowly beginning to realize that the person who I love the most is more loyal to an organization above all else. Some time ago, I wrote about how my girlfriend and I were both Df'd for fornication. I do believe that what we did was out of line, from a biblical standpoint, and I accepted my discipline. While I've been out, I've learned how to measure people's worth outside of the parameters of the organization. I've also seen who are my true friends and those that care about me. Most importantly, my solitude has helped to me reach out to God on my terms and learn more about spirituality. I say spirituality because during my 20 or so years in the organization, spirituality was something that I never came to fully understand. It was also associated with actions. Service time, talks, comments, privileges, etc. In terms of truly getting to know God and examining my faith, however, I was lost. Over the past year I've began to see things clearer. I do believe that most Jehovah's Witnesses are good people. They want to do the right thing. Let's face it, many people on Earth need something to believe in just to feel like their life is worth something. It's the sad reality. They serve a god/gods out of necesity or tradition, not because they've truly come to appreciate what the idea of a god entails.
Over the past month, my girlfriend and I have grown further and further apart. As I'm coming to these realizations, our conversations are leaning more and more towards small fights. When I try and plant a seed to get her to think for herself, she becomes defensive and says that she misses the brotherhood, spiritual activities, and making Jehovah happy. Granted, I'm not faulting her for feeling good about the preaching work and being around like-minded people. My problem is the more I begin to have a balanced approach on things, the more right-wing she becomes to me. I love this woman to pieces, and I want to spend the rest of my life with her. What I DON'T want, however, is to live a lie. I don't want to be married to a fanatic or someone that feels that we must jump through hoops as a family to somehow keep God's approval. The straw that broke the camel's back for me was a conversation we had earlier this evening when I asked her about the authenticity of her past ''friendships.'' As soon as she was announced as being disfellowshipped, her ''friends'' deleted her off of their social media site. What's more, all outside communication stopped, and the only people that still check up on her are a mutual friend of ours who has faded (changed religions actually), her family, and me. When I asked her where the love was in that, her response was; ''you don't think it hurts them to not be able to speak with me? You think they want to ignore me? I think it's loving because it reminds you of you error, and it prevents the sick ones from infecting the rest of the congregation."
I lost it. I didn't curse her or anything, I simply asked her to define the logic in that. Pslams tells us that as East is from West, so are our sins before Jehovah. He doesn't call them to mind, so why should we? What's more, I asked her to show me an instance that Jesus ignored or rejected a sinner that sincerely wanted to change his course. She couldn't. All she said was that the elders are the ones that have the authoritiy to speak with disfellowshipped ones. I was dumbfounded. I called her brainwashed (not a good idea in retrospect). Whatever the case, it ended bad, as usual. I feel lost. I know in my heart that I have a true desire to serve God and imitate His son by being a good example in the community and doing my best to reflect Christian qualities. But I feel as if this has taken a backseat to procedure, rules, an the outward appearance of repentance. She is going to write her letter soon to join the congregation again. The sad thing is that I feel pressure to write mine because she's flat out told me that she loves me, but she will have to stop speaking to me until I'm reinstated. She'll always be there for me though. (her words).
I am praying for wisdom. I love this woman, but it seems that she loves the organization more.