Itsalingthing:
I would advise you to carefully consider your relationship with this man, as well as lesten to what you’ve been told here. You will be dealing with several issues as a non-Witness in a relationship with a Witness. Some of those have been related already, and these include: psychological/emotional issues, Witness xenophobia and distrust of outsiders, your place in the scheme of things (you will always come after organizational concerns and his loyalty to the religion), the inability of the Witness to participate in many things you take for granted (a list has already been posted to this thread), completely different social circles for the two of you (Witnesses are told to limit their relationships with outsiders to a minimum – proselytizing and necessary family business). Many of these you will be completely unaware of until they occur, unless you spend a lot of time investigating Witness history and belief, both official and unofficial (like this site).
Let me relate a little personal experience. I am a non-Witness married to a Witness and was romantically involved with another many years before I met my wife. On both occasions the different religious perspectives caused great difficulties.
The woman I dated was an un baptized Witness at the time, but was studying and for all intents and purposes a Witness. I knew little of Witness belief at the time except the usual – no birthdays, holidays, military service, blood transfusions. I had very strong feelings for this woman and she apparently did for me as well. We too engaged in some foreplay. This always resulted in her feeling terribly guilty afterwards. I repeatedly suggested that we didn’t engage in any activity that made her uncomfortable. Inevitably, she would instigate more physical contact than she was comfortable with.
Eventually she spoke to an Elder or Elders. We had several discussions, but she couldn’t/wouldn’t stop expressing herself sexually (a completely normal thing in my viewpoint). One afternoon she left my house and said she loved me. The next day I received a call saying she could no longer see me and that she had left some things of mine at a coffee house a couple of doors away form my apartment. I saw her only once more, when she came by to return one more thing of mine she had forgotten to leave with my other things. I had the feeling she wanted me to ask her to change her decision, but I’d had enough of the emotional roller coaster, and just said thanks and see you later.
Several years later, I talked with her by phone to ask her a couple of questions about something unrelated to us or Witness life. She was still a Witness and was in a relationship with a Jew. She had never, as far a I know, been in a relationship with a Witness. Her boyfriend previous to me was a Muslim.
I am now married to a Witness, although she wasn’t a Witness when we married. She had been brought up attending meetings with her converted Witness mother, but her father never converted. Her mother is now inactive and would probably be disfellowshipped for some things she does now (playing the lottery, attending services in other churches – family weddings). My wife is the only active Witness in hers or my families.
She returned to the group while going through some difficult emotional times. This is very common and I suggest you also read up on cult or high-control group issues (Steven Hassan has a couple of good books – Combatting Cult Mind Control, nonthreatening to a witness because it doesn’t mention the Wtinesses, and Releasing the Bonds). You could probably find these at a local library.
Her involvement affects our relationship in many important ways and my wife isn’t what I’d call a die-hard believer. We have few friends in common. Visiting my family can be difficult because this often occurs during holidays. Raising our son is contentious because she wants to indoctrinate him and I steadfastly refuse to let him participate in Witness events. I said I would allow him to attend a special event like the Memorial, as long as I attend as well. After all, he does spend holidays with other relatives, both hers and mine.
I am now prohibited from doing things we did before she returned – giving her birthday gifts, Mother’s Day gifts, going to weddings of friends together – unless they’re Witnesses, spending time with most of her friends – they, with one exception, never visit my wife while I’m at home. I did come home unexpectedly once while my wife had a Witness friend over. She left about as fast as she could without being rude. This friend has been a help to me in other ways though. She suggested moderation on my wife’s part when I put up Christmas lights, pointing out that I tolerated my wife’s beliefs and that she should tolerate mine.
All in all my first reaction to those in situations like yours is to tell you, as another poster already had, to run like hell. The pain of ending a relationship with someone with whom your in love is less painful than the pain of a loving a Witness. But, of course, I can’t do that.
I would however advise extreme caution. Take it very slow. Investigate as much as possible both the Watchtower Tract and Bible Society, high-control/cult groups and their effects on members. Consider very carefully what you want in a relationship, how important to you those things are, if they are possible with a Witness, how you will feel if you have to give them up, what issues you might have over raising a child, if your relationship progresses that far. Some of these things are hard to anticipate. I will tell you that I know of no one who is a non-Witness married to or in a relationship with a Witness who doesn’t have serious differences and difficulties with the Witness, unless religion, child rearing and a activities with the other person are not important to that person.
Best of luck to you,
CPiolo
