**Can trust ever be earned once it is lost?**

by butalbee 26 Replies latest social relationships

• 

  butalbee

  In a relationship, their is 3 basic components:
  1. Trust
  2. Loyalty
  3. Love
  But the purpose of this thread, in which I am desperate for some sort of advice, positive and negative, I ask--once trust is lost, and loyalty has been destroyed, and all that's left is strong love. Is there any way to earn that trust back? Is there any way that you could ever trust a partner that cheated on you again, even if you loved him/her with every fragment of your being, could you ever trust this person again? Please give me some insight on this matter, for I feel in dire straits at the moments, and need help.
• 

  yrs2long

  Hello.

  Awhile back I caught a Dr. Phil show where someone asked the same question. I think he said that it is not really whether you feel you can trust the person, but whether you can trust yourself to take that chance. Will you be able to handle it if the person violates your trust again? If you are reasonably assure that you will survive and go on, then go ahead and take the chance. If, on the other hand, you will experience a breakdown from which you will never recover or which will disable you severely, don't proceed. Hope this helps.

  Take care,
  yrs2long
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  Introspection

  Hi Butalbee, I think we might consider one other component to have a more complete model, and that's understanding. It seems to me the qualities of trust and loyalty must be anchored in understanding, and that each of these really are intimately connected with each other.

  So, as far as trust is concerned, it would depend on whether there is anything worth basing it on with a clear understanding of the person and the relationship. It would seem that often because there is still some love attached there, there is a seeking for the trust and loyalty. Of course, this isn't literally something you look for, as if it's an object sitting out there somewhere. A person has to earn your trust and loyalty, and that of course depends on you and your relationship with them. I would suggest though that you do not need to know what it is or what it looks like in order to recognize it when it comes, though. If there is any doubt, it isn't real trust. After all, that is the nature of trust isn't it? But just base it on an understanding of the relationship and the people involved. The common pitfall is to convince yourself that you have that trust because you want it so bad.
• 

  butalbee

  Thanks Yrs2long--you're statement: it is not really whether you feel you can trust the person, but whether you can trust yourself to take that chance. I have been told that the foundamentals of a relationship are trust and loyalty, and it doesn't matter how much you love someone, once those two are gone, the love can not survive. In my opinion, though, I feel that just as long as these two people stay together, they have a chance, but when one or the other says, "it's done" it really is done....
• 

  puzzled

  cheated on you again,

  Again, as in once and again??? and again and again.......

  yrs2long about what Dr,Phil said.

  Thats probably the most sound advice I think. Cause it does after all boil down to you in the long run.
  If this person has cheated more then once especially!! how are you going to feel if and when it happens again?

  "Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great." --Mark Twain
• 

  Introspection

  Interesting statement there yrs2, so I guess we might say it is whether you can trust your understanding.. It does seem that often you hear "you think you know a person.." when something happens..
• 

  butalbee

  I'm gonna sound like a broken record here: but once trust is lost, how does one "try to" rebuild it? Is there a 12 step program? Do you just give this person space? How do you show the other person involved that "yeah, you can be trusted again?"
• 

  LB

  I'll trust them until the trust is lost. Then I'll never trust them again. I might forgive, but trust? Why would you? How foolish would that be.

  
  Never Squat With Yer Spurs On
• 

  Naeblis

  It depends on the person you're trying to convince. For example, I could never be convinced.
• 

  butalbee

  Naeblis--what happened to your pic profile?