**Can trust ever be earned once it is lost?**

by butalbee 26 Replies latest social relationships

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  COMF

  Bee, if you're the one who did the betraying, then you're asking of people here something they can't give. You want their answers to stand in as the answer from the one who was betrayed. It doesn't work that way. Only that person can answer your question.

  For what it's worth, though, with me, betrayal would ruin forever any hope of an intimate, loving, trusting relationship. I could continue to have a relationship of some sort with the person, perhaps even still dating or sleeping with them if I so chose, but it would be from a new perspective in which I view them as useful to fill a need for company when I want it, but to be kept behind an impenetrable wall emotionally and watched warily for indications of further manipulation or deceit. If we were living together, that would of course end immediately.

  Could true repentance be defined as crying every second of the day cuz you feel horrible that you destroyed the one true thing that you ever had in your life, all for absolutely nothing????

  Nah. That's just feeling sorry for yourself. Has nothing to do with repentance.

  "I just want to start over again." - Murderer Justin Pendleton to the detective, in Murder By Numbers, after his plan unravels and he gets caught.

  The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ,
  Moves on: nor all your piety nor wit
  Shall lure it back to cancel half a line,
  Nor all your tears wash out a word of it.
• 

  puzzled

  It depends on the person you're trying to convince. For example,

  are you trying to convince yourself?

  borrow'd in part from neab.[8>]
  plm

  "Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great." --Mark Twain
• 

  think41self

  NO.

  I have never seen a couple successfully get past this and rebuild their relationship into what it once was. They may stay together for whatever reasons...and they may make some changes...but they are left with a pale imitation of the intimacy they once had...and will never have again. In my opinion...why would you want to settle for an imitation?

  think41self

  This side of Eden, whether we realize it or not, we feel the stain on our souls, and at every opportunity, we try to scrub it away with steel-wool guilt.
• 

  butalbee

  Someone defined trust to me today as blind faith: Trust is just like faith, you know it's there, even if you can't see it, does that make sense?
• 

  Introspection

  Sure it's like faith in a way. Of course, there are different kinds of faith, and blind faith is certainly one of them. To me faith in general is a belief in possibility, but at the same time not going so far as to think the object of faith has concrete existence. Faith in this sense is very much like an unknowing, but that includes both what you would prefer and what you would not prefer, you plain don't know.

  As far as how it relates here, I think it would be helpful to consider the oppsite, doubt. To be more specific, doubt is a lot like blind faith, and these two things which appear to be opposites are really very similar in a way. If you stop and think about it, people typically needs a reason to either believe or doubt something. The problem with this, though is that it is far too simplistic, and even if one reason is enough to believe or doubt, (another form of belief in terms of what I'm talking about, belief of some degree in the falsehood of something) often it's not a very good one.

  I think when it comes to something like a relationship, there is likely more than one factor to look at. Any one factor like trust has to be seen in context along with the other factors. It's a matter of understanding how they work with each other. But I think probably what's more important here is to avoid the danger of trying to make something happen, which inevitably leads to disappointment. Heck, many of us can't even make things happen with ourselves, let alone in a relationship with another person. So I think it has to start with understanding yourself. (yeah, big surprise from the guy using 'introspection' as a nic) But where else are you going to start?

  I think the bottom line is, can we change? When you ask yourself that question, you may need to deal with doubt. But just don't get the wrong idea and think in terms of "can I change what I'm doing so that I get this outcome.." that's just trying to manipulate things to go your way, and you are really not changing, only your tactics on how to get what you want has changed. The fact of the matter is when you get right down to it, we only have so much we can do to change things. The best and most reasonable place to start is with ourselves.
• 

  butalbee

  The best and most reasonable place to start is with ourselves.

  Guess I better do some serious soul searching to discover WHY trust was broken in this relationship in the first place. What happened that set everything in motion, why I did the things I did, why he did the things he did. Why did I think the grass was greener on the other side of the road, I feel like the stupid rabbit that ran in front of traffic to explore a different pasture...realizing now that it is too late to go back. You don't know what you had until it is really gone.....
• 

  Carmel

  bUTL,
  To your original question, I can testify that trust can be re-built over time, but the betrayed party needs to have reason to know that the event will not be repeated. Many years ago I was invoved in an issue of betrayal and it took years to re-gain the confidence lost. Since that time I have been in volved in many other situations were one spouse was let down by the other and have found that if they take afirmative action to address not only the issue of forgiveness, but the issues that lead up to the betrayal, things work out quite well. I'd say those that want it to work overcome almost anything to make it a learning experience, while those that are ambivalent, almost never keep it together in a healthy way. So if it is a one sided thing, forget it. The energy wasted is better spent on developing a new friend.

  carmel