Oh. I guess I removed it.
**Can trust ever be earned once it is lost?**
by butalbee 26 Replies latest social relationships
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simplesally
When someone has broken the trust within a relationship either by lying or by committing adultery, if they ask for forgiveness they are going to have to PROVE they are telling the truth.
What I mean by that, is that they have to give you the means to be able to verify their whereabouts and who-abouts. They need to call when they are going to be late. They need to be able to show receipts.
And they need to do this without getting mad at you for asking! When my ex and I went to a counselor, he explained that he had broken the trust, the fidelity and he was the one that needed to bear the consequences NOT me. He needed to be accountable and he was the one that needed to realize that trust had to be earned and that his word was doubtable.
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Will Power
Buta
I know of what you speak.
It is a terrible thing.
Things will most definitely be different.
It is not impossible tho to continue the relationship.
Certain things must be discussed and you must decide if it is worth it.
How long ago did this happen?
I can highly recommend Dr. Phil's book "Relationship Rescue." It will do alot to help you put your feelings in order and help you think straight and decide what is best for you.
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Introspection
Well okay, I think it has to do with the person developing trust in others in general, and not just one person. Sure, they may be more important, even the most important individual, but if they don't have enough integrity to deal with people in a way that elicit some kind of trust, even if it is in small measure, then why should you trust them? I might add, too, that that kind of trust do not necessarily have to be manifested in an intimate relationship of a romantic nature. Basically, it's a matter of being a trustworthy person, not just with one person but with everyone they come in contact with. After all, you gotta wonder if you're right if nobody else feels that way, right?
Beyond that, I think we really would need more specific information in order to come up with more specific "answers" ...
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WildHorses
Hmm, In my experence.............No. My first husband cheated with the baby sitter of all people. She in turn, gave him an STD. (The only thing that saved me from catching it was the fact that we were using condoms so as not to get pregnant again).
I tried to make it work. I stayed with him for over a year after he cheated but, I just couldn't forget what he did. I lost all trust in him. I fell out of love. I even came to hate his touch, to the point of wanting to vomit when he did touch me.
So, in MHO, no, trust can not be earned again.
Lilacs
I don't want someone in my life I can live with. I want someone in my life I can't live without.
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Introspection
I don't mean to go off topic here, but it is related anyway.. Has anyone ever seen what they believe to be true repentance? In terms of a relationship, it would of course be out of regret that they hurt the other person, NOT that THEY LOST you or your trust. I don't think this is the only thing required in order for someone to forgive (which of course would be something else that's necessary) them, but it is one of the things that's necessary.
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butalbee
Could true repentance be defined as crying every second of the day cuz you feel horrible that you destroyed the one true thing that you ever had in your life, all for absolutely nothing????
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BeautifulGarbage
Yes, it can be restored again. However, the relationship will never be the same again.
My spouse and I have never been unfaithful, but my best girlfriends husband cheated on her after about 5 years of marriage. He had an affair that last a few months and she discovered it. She wanted to savage the marriage and all her other friends told her how stupid she was for wanting that. I didn't, I just supported her, regardless of her decision.
They lived apart for about a year and went to marriage counseling. Her and I had many long phone conversations. It was NOT an easy road back, but because they were both determined to rebuild and because HE very sorry and willing to do anything to gain her trust back again. And believe me, he did alot! Even down to accounting for ALL his time for a couple of years. She laid down many conditions and he agreed. It's been 10 years now and they are still married. Happily, too.
I think that anything is possible if both parties want it bad enough.
Andee
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Introspection
Could true repentance be defined as crying every second of the day cuz you feel horrible that you destroyed the one true thing that you ever had in your life, all for absolutely nothing????
Well as I was trying to say, it seems to be that for repentance to be meaningful for someone who claims to love you, they have to be sorry that they hurt you, not that as a result of that you can't trust them anymore and that hurts them. (the wrongdoer) In the latter case it's out of a love for what they get out of the relationship, not for the other person or the relationship itself.
To me a true broken heart (which of course generally happens when a person really feels bad about what they did or what's happend) breaks all of the person's wants, not WHAT they want but the want ITSELF. This means that their heart is no longer just open to what they want, but it is completely broken open and is actually able to be sensitive to love itself, and not just pleasant feelings that might be disguised as love. Out of that, I think, comes a desire to really make amends regardless of what might come of that, if anything at all. There is no longer a sense of personal gain, but as weak as you may feel somehow love issues out of that, (although in actuality this may take a while) because it is no longer limited to the personal perspective. If we can get there, I think even as low as we might feel the other person can't help but see that there is real love there now, and that what has emerged is truer than anything that's ever been in the relationship. Because ultimately, when all that's said and done it's whether love is present isn't it? But that has to be genuine, where you're not really just looking for self interest. However, the other person has to also recognize that too, so even if that's there there really is no guarantee that they will forgive you. But of course, real love does not have any ulterior motive, you love because it is loving, it is it's own reward regardless of gain or loss on any other level.
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butalbee
Thanks Intro. And thanks to everyone else.