I need some urgent advice, please!! (page 3)

DJS

Some excellent advice. Mine: 1. Do not get her pregnant, as that will cause you even more heartache if you divorce her. 2. Be patient with her and try to reason with her when the opportunity presents itself. 3. Begin preparing your conscious self that she wil never leave the Borg and start preparing, right now, a very ratioinal exit plan with as little drama as possible, including your finances, living arrangement, splitting your stuff, etc. 4. Keep your beliefs to yourself; the Borg's elders will isolate you from her, her family and eveyone else in the cong.

oppostate

@alonein321

Oi! Whatever you do don't do it hastily or in a moment of heated feelings!

Think trough to conclusions and try to know what conclusion is the one you'd be most comfortable with.

For now don't DA if you can help it. As others have also mentioned here on JWN you are better able to

wriggle for room to breath within the org than outside of it where they'll want to take your air out and

leave you to flap around like a dying fish out of water.

Write your BOE a letter and tell them you can no longer put up with the lack of love and disruption of your

life by people in the Congregation who are supposed to take the lead but instead are taking advantage of

their position to make others' lives miserable. Tell them you are quitting their congregation but are not

disassociating in any way, and hold on to your right to seek another congregation to fellowship in where

they may be more loving and actually exercise Christian conduct. If the elders try to harass you they will

meet with legal action since you no longer consider yourself a voting member of the congregation and a

publisher there. Since you are withdrawing from membership in the congregation you do not want any

retribution against you and any such will be met with legal action against them. Also you are not involving

the WTB&TS unless they choose to give support to the un-Christian leadership now in control of the

congregation. If so they will also be included in any further legal measures you have to take.

That may buy you off some time to be able to get the BOE off your back, and in the meantime be as nice

and good to your wife as you can, as a Christian man is expected to, and as someone who has put a lot

of time into that relationship to throw it away for the sake of a bunch of brainwashed followers of a

printing and realestate holdings corporation.

Don't let them control you! Use their legalistic tactics against them.

blondie

It takes time, it took you time and without someone encouraging you. You saw it yourself. It took me 3 periods of inactivity and lack of love...to leave, 12 years now, and no desire to go back. My husband was an elder, but I let him make the decision based on the lack of love he saw and experienced. I am 3rd gen, my family founded the first congregation where I live. Give her time and step back but keep to your personal decision. Showing love when it is easy...it is real love when it is hard.

She had to experience the lack of love and genuine love first-hand for her to see the contradictions. I suppose bottom line is be patient

AndDontCallMeShirley

welcome ai321:

.

smiddy: be patient with her , dont expect her to see the TATT as quickly as you have obviously done , with some people its a slow process

. wise advice!

I am/was a fourth generation JW, so I can relate to what you're going through. My advice is this: a frontal assault on a JW never works!! As you know, a JWs indoctrination elicits an automatic response when the WT or their beliefs are challenged: the mind shuts off, the ears hear nothing, and the JW goes into full "defend the WT at all costs" mode. Nothing you say will be heard after your wife goes into defense mode.

.

Ask questions. By closely listening to the answers you'll know what your wife's "hot buttons" are in regard to her beliefs. Everyone is different, and what gets one person to think and reassess will be different than another's. Listen to what your wife talks about when her guard is down, when you are not talking about WT or the religion. What concerns her? What in the religion offends her core values? What unanswered issues or questions about the religion really bother her, the answers to which will get her to thinking? Once you find out what her "hot buttons" are, this is where you will make the most progress in helping her to see things in a new way. If you allow a person to talk long enough, and listen closely to what they say, they'll always give you clues as to how best to help them....and they'll often answer their own questions/doubts and find solutions better than you can.

.

As others have already said, if you love your wife, demonstrate it. "Love", as it is practiced in the Organization, is very conditional. Let your wife know you love her no matter what. If she gets even the slightest sense that your feelings for her hinge on the Organization and adopting your view, then you've created an enemy, and nothing you do after that will make any difference. It helps to remind yourself that your wife is a victim too, just like you have been, a victim of the WT, and admitting she's been gullible and duped by the religion, and that her beliefs are not true, can be very, very hard to acknowledge. It takes courage to admit this to oneself, and each person must arrive at that point in their own way and in their own time.

.

Be patient!!!

jgnat

Good advice all. I would add that you are up to lose a lot and you need to take time to add in to your life, too. That includes new "worldly" friends, getting to know your neighbour, picking up perhaps a hobby or an evening class to expose you to new people and new ideas.

If you have read Hassan's books you know that it is pretty useless arguing with the cult self. So stop that. Ask a pointed question here and there but leave it at that. Simply celebrate every time she demonstrates independence of mind. If she is convinced the war is off she might not be so exhausted with worry.

clarity

Alonein321...welcome to this place where you will

find support, a lot of wisdom and great advice!

*

sarahsmiles really gets to the raw emotions of this

process of waking up. Wise words.

*

Slow down, there is no hurry.

Do not let this organization destroy your marriage!!!!!

Hang on.

Treat your wife like you are still dating...you do remember?

Forget telling her anything. You may ask simple questions.

Start again to have some FUN. Miss meetings, go away on

the weekends. remember when you were a kid.......and

just acted natural? Do that!

clarity

ABibleStudent

Hi alonein321, Are you a Portuguese native speaker? If you are and know of some other bilingual Portuguese-English native speakers, have you thought about translating webpages for www.jwfacts.com?

Translating www.jwfacts.com webpages might help you to reduce your frustrations towards your situation with your wife and to doing something that would help other Portuguese speaking JWs.

Peace be with you and everyone, who you love,

Robert

alonein321

Thanks everyone for the excelent advices.

ABibleStudent

I have already considered translate jwfacts.com to portuguese, but I'm spending too much time reading books like God Delusion, The Bible Unearthed, How the Bible became a Book, What did Bible writers know and when did they know it?, Why Darwin Matters, and lot more books to strenghten my arguments when needed. But as soon as I catch a break I will put some effort on translating jwfacts.

About my current situation: I realized that there is no good coming from confrontation against my wife beliefs. I'm going to try and be a better husband and spend more time with her. I have a good money income, so we live a confortable life and she doesn't work. Another issue is we live 600 miles from our relatives. They live in Sao Paulo and we live in Brasilia, the capital. Our only friends here are the jws, and she can't leave them right now, so I have to be pacient and try the fade in plan, no way to DA. Thinking about the future, we have two possibilities: 1) she may wake up some time in the future and fade with me, so both of us won't lose our families; 2) If number 1 show no sign of chance of happening in a reasonable time in the future, we will divorce and follow our lives. Anyway, birth control we always used and I will be even more careful from now on.

I'll keep everybody up to date with my situation. For now, thank you very much.

OnTheWayOut

I am married to a JW that won't leave, and doesn't really deeply understand the doctrine. She just "knows" it is right and is unwilling to discuss it.

So we don't discuss it. I fully agree with everything ABibleStudent said, if you want to remain in your marriage. Regardless of what you want to do, do not have children in such a situation.

If you just want to bail out of the marriage because it stifles your freedom, the JW's in your life will not understand, but many need to do just that and move on.

I opted to stay with my long-time wife, but I don't go to meetings and don't do anything JW-related. While I am not flaunting my infractions of JW-rules, my wife knows that reporting me to the elders would be bad for our marriage, so I am free to meet with other former JW's.

We also have no children. If we did, I would have disassociated and done all I could to get them out of Watchtower's control.

Good luck in whatever you decide.

Quarterback

It's better to be considered a Luke warm JW, than one who is DA'd. It allows you to stay in the family, and at the same time it gives you a time out from expectations.

I need some urgent advice, please!!

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