My Experience and how I finally let myself see the truth

by OneEyedJoe 80 Replies latest jw experiences

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  OneEyedJoe

  Instead of studying more books (which is obviously in your comfort zone), I suggest you make a study of your wife as a book. This will require asking her many questions. Filling out the survey as I suggested will give you the questions to ask. Knowing her personality, interests and dreams hides key to get her out. For instance you may ask,

  • Why do you think so-and-so left the truth? (Chances are she will mention HER chief doubt in the answer)
  • Did you ever dream of doing anything differently when you grew up? What was that?
  • If you could go back in time and change one thing, what would you do?
  • If money or time were no object, where would you go and what would you do here on earth?
  • Who is the person you would most like to talk to in Paradise, and what would you ask them?

  For heart-to-heart conversations, I suggest you time them to be as far away from the meetings as possible, both in time and in distance. The cultic personality wears off the longer you away. Schedule vacations and times away so you can enjoy your wife's natural personality and get to know her as a person.

  This exercise has the side-benefit of helping you be a more sensitive and with-it husband!

  I've tried to work out how to ask her useful things...unfortunately conversation like this is so far outside my skillset that I'm not sure how to go about it at all. Any question about anything related to the "truth" immediately illicits the cult personality. and, since she was born-in, she never had very big dreams. She's a housewife (though by no means lazy) and enjoys it. That was pretty much her goal, and she's achieved it.
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  Found Sheep

  Hey one eye! I read your story thanks for sharing. I have nothing to add just I do agree with the books, jwfacts.com and being a good husband. My husband had his hands full when I learned the TATT. It wasn't fun for a while :(

  welcome :)
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  jgnat

  You know, I worked with a young man who was convinced his mother had no natural personality at all. A little questioning about her childhood brought up a wealth of insight that he never had before.

  Yes, this will stretch you out of your comfort zone.

  What does she find most satisfying about being a housewife? Least satisfying?
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  JWdaughter

  I was with you until you got to the point (thinking in a JW-y kind of way)where you show her the discrepancy and ask her "doesn't it seem dishonest"?

  You are already on thin ice there. I'd leave it less loaded. "Why do you think that the organization would misquote this so badly? It is a distortion of what Darwin said!" Do this after you have clearly just SHOWN her the difference for herself.

  Then you are being factual, not judging them or accusing them. I don't think you should pussyfoot around the issue, but be delicate about the approach or you will turn her away before she even reads the quote. Instead of you deciding it is dishonest, you are opening the way for her to think about what reasons the WT would have to distort the words of a scientist of Darwin's caliber to make their point. She will consider whether it could be an honest mistake. . . and as it won't be the only example (maybe you should have a big pile of them before you ask the distortion question)she will really have to reject the honest mistake theory.
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  jgnat

  Yes, open-ended questions are better.

  If she pauses to think, don't fill the gap with words. Let her silently ponder on it, hopefully for a few days.
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  Emery

  That is a toughy. It sounds like she's more of a bible based believer, you're going to have to work with biblical interpretation here. The big A was an issue that I personally dealt with until someone pointed out to me that both Jesus and Paul believed they too were living in the "last days" and how eminent it was in their time.

  The next time you two talk about Armageddon, you could say - "The scripture found at Proverbs 13:12 really bothers me when I think about Armageddon - ' Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.' It's been over 2,000 years yet we're still living in the last days? Do you think Jehovah intended for us to be waiting this long? Or is it possible that we're misapplying these scriptures?" Then show her how both Jesus and Paul felt the end was eminent in their day. You could follow that up with, "Were Paul and Jesus wrong or were they right considering what happened in 70 AD?" You could say, "Couldn't the last days been the destruction of the Jewish nation of Israel during the first century? Didn't the end of the jewish system end within a generation of Jesus warning his fellow apostles about it?"

  This is more of a Preterist approach but it's one that I could not really argue against when I was waking up to TTATT. It makes a hell of a lot more sense than saying that this applies to the 1914 overlapping generation of Jehovah's Witnesses. IF you can start putting the book of Revelation into it's historical context for her, she may start losing that fear. Bart Ehrman has a really good lecture on interpreting the book of Revelation and how it matches up perfectly to the time it was written in. It's basically a traditional jewish apocalypse (there were many written during that time) wishing the destruction of Caesar Nero and the Roman Empire. It's NOT a blueprint for the end of the world. I'll try and find that link for ya.
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  OneEyedJoe

  Jgnat -

  She obviously likes the fact that she doesn't have to go to work.... She like chores and running errands to a certain extent (as I'm writing this, I'm realizing her ability to enjoy mundane, repetitive tasks is probably one thing that either came from the cult or helps keep her in it) and shes always got some projects going - either some painting or some remodel project around the house. I suggested the other day that she take an art class, but she didn't seem very interested.

  JWdaughter - excellent point! Thank you.

  Emery -

  Sorry, I guess I was ambiguous...she's not in because the scriptural gymnastics of the WTS make sense to her, is more the emotion behind wanting to "live forever in a paradise earth." There's no way I could ever reach her with a scriptural discussion.
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  jgnat

  Pick up a home design magazine and leave it on the coffee table.

  I wonder if she might get off on this sort of activity on the side?

  http://www.apersonalorganizer.com/home-office-organization-ideas/
• 

  Vanderhoven7

  marked
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  Apognophos

  I'd like to offer an alternate way of looking at this. I think that ex-JWs can overestimate the harmfulness of the religion. JWs who've left often polarize the religion in their own minds once they learn TTATT. It becomes all-bad in their minds. Now, you mentioned that this religion is unhealthy for a few reasons. Let's take these one at a time.

  1. Prevents planning ahead.

  What planning ahead should she be doing, that she isn't? If she's not working, then she doesn't have any retirement planning to do.

  2. Gives people a false hope.

  Most people believe in some kind of afterlife. Is that really harmful? What makes the JW "afterlife" of paradise a more problematic hope than a belief in heaven?

  3. Restricts someone from meeting their full potential.

  As was asked before, what ambitions is your wife holding back on? Does she seem like she's giving up a lot to remain a JW? Maybe she would enjoy traveling or some other activity that would take her away from meetings and thus is not possible for her, but unless you know of such an interest, you can't really say that her interests are being restricted.

  4. Poses a serious threat if they ever need blood.

  I noted that you said she has chosen not to accept fractions. I felt the same way as a JW; why should I accept any part of someone's blood if the blood is sacred? This is definitely an issue, though with the blood alternatives that are available it is unlikely to mean life or death. But why not reason with her on this subject and at least encourage her to take fractions? The blood doctrine does not hold up at all, there's lots of ways to argue against it.

  5. Harms marriages when one mate stops believing.

  There are a few posters on here who have maintained loving relationships despite the religious divide. They have to tiptoe around faith issues, but they've more or less arrived at an understanding with their spouses. At least, you shouldn't feel that if you can't win her over now, all is lost. She might be happy as a JW now, but in a few years she may be open to thinking about other options. In the meantime, you can lead the way in showing that you don't need to be an active JW to be a good person and husband.

  Ultimately I think jgnat's advice to get to know your wife's thoughts on the aforementioned questions is unavoidable. If you can't find a way to start having these kinds of conversations, then how can you ever break the ice about the religion as a whole?