My wife is never going to wake up.

marriedtoajw

What do you do when you believe in your heart that your spouse is never going to wake up to the tatt? When you're sick of the cherade of pretending you can deal with the spiritual division when you dont think you can anymore. When you're convinced that your spouse is so decieved she is lost in a desert and is fine with living by the mirage. Yet the idea of breaking up the family is a concept you cant wrap your mind around but know orthers have endured. When you question your own faith because you find yourselve in this situation after years and years of hedging all the jw stuff and feel it was all for nothing. When your daughter asks your spouse "are we going in service tomorrow" as if she had said it a thoudand times but its the first time you ever heard her say itft. What do you do when you're the father of five and have worked your ass to the bone for 25 years and feel you made a huge mistake but you're so far gone it feels like youre sinking to the bottom of the ocean with with an anchor tied to your legs trapped in a life that you cant believe is your own. What do you do when you've tried so hard but believe you've been mislead by your spouse, taken advantage of, disrespected, with a kiss... what dp you do when yoi just canf fake it anymord ans you staet s a yinf things to get them to question things and they just dont get it and you dont think they ever will.

berrygerry

How many kids still at home?

NAVYTOWN

That's a difficult situation with no easy answers. My only suggestion is to ask her questions about things in the JW policies that make no logical sense. Just casually ask her what she thinks about the new donation arrangement, for example. Maybe ask what she thinks about the DOs being thrown under the bus. Stay away from questions about the Bible because you will just get the standard pre-programmed answers. Ask questions that make her THINK, that have no ready-made replies. Ask about 'new light' and how it contradicts 'old light'.....was the old light true or false in former years. Who's to say if today's 'true' doctrines are still going to be true 20 years from now. Does Jehovah keep changing his mind? Anyway, that may help her come out of her Watchtower fog. I wish you the best.

Nathan Natas

Hi marriedtoajw,

The truth is that you can't save anybody else until you save yourself.

Right now it is almost like you want them to wake up so that YOU feel better.

I can appreciate the way this pains you, and I will admit that I personally have not gone through anything like this.

People who survive calamities sometimes - maybe often - suffer "survivor's guilt." It might help if you can discuss your feelings with a psychologist who has some training or experience in PTSD or cult deprogramming. There's not much point in talking to a counselor who is looking at you as though you were something he's never seen before.

I *did* have the experience of having a psychiatrist FALL ASLEEP while I was blathering away. In a way, even that helped me a little; more than any of the meds ever did! Ever notice that many times the side effects of the popular psychiatric meds is to make the patient depressed, fat and disengaged? try to resist meds if you can.

On the other hand, don't refuse the meds - they might help. Keep a diary (it can be encrypted on your computer if you have problems with family snoops) and record how you're feeling and what you're thinking each day... not a "stream-of-consciousness" monologue; that would take 24x7x365 - just a summary of major themes so you can review them from time-to-time too SEE if there has been some improvement. It's too easy to trick yourself into thinking that the wqay you feel now is the way you've "always felt."

Find comfort in the knowledge that others have freed themselves and you can too. Then you will be an example to your family.

sarahsmile

Good question but only you can answer that one. Go get some private therapy to help you figure it out.

At least your daughter is not screaming to get high on meth,right? Or she went to a party and she was the party.

Maybe you need to train her for college. I resent my parents for not training everyone for a higher education.

It is called screwing your children up! Your job is to make sure she is spending time with her education and that she is going to college not door to door.

Take her to the college campus to study.

Take her to pick up applications!

Let your daughter that door to door activity and going to the kingdom hall is not going to prepare her for a career. She needs to get some scholarships and mentally prepare for four years of college.

That is your reponsibilty. Also, become that head of the house to your wife. Tell her their will be some changes and door to door will be once a month. When she starts to talk all they JW talk ignore her just stay focus.

Going to the KH and door to door is a waste of time! Let your family know prorities are going to change!

KateWild

You have been on this site for 3 years now.

Your story seems sad. You seem as if you wished you'd done something different. I haven't read all 85 of your posts so I don't exactly know your situation, but you seem you have been a JW and just left. But your family carried on going.

I would spend time regularly with your kids, spend time on a one to one basis with them and get them to feel good about thinking for themselves, tell them they are competent in descision making. They are bound to have some gripes about the cong or the religion, build their trust and find out what's bothering them.

If one of your kids stopd going this will make your wife think and then maybe she will wake up. But she might be a real super JW and totally indoctrinated.

I hope this helps.

Kate xx

dozy

Really sorry to hear how you feel. It isn't easy leaving this organisation.

Without being patronising , it's sometimes easiest for guys to leave the WTBTS. My wife stayed in after I left - like many JW women it was all about the regular routine - especially the social side / family / friends & she wasn't bothered about the doctrinal nonsense. The only things that bothered her was issues that really impacted on her ( for example we agreed when we got married that we would allow our future kids blood transfusions if they needed them. ) It was only a few years later when there was a lack of love in the congregation & a bad local JW paeodophile case that the society had tried to supress that she finally realised it was all a crock and left.

Sooner or later there will come a tipping point for your kids & wife. It might come right out of the blue. Hang on in there.

punkofnice

When I left the 'truth(r)' not long after my wife left me with the boys to struggle......and it still is a struggle. The filthy, disgusting, paedophile protecting cult of Jehovah's witnesses(r) DOES break up families and they know it. They don't care. They lie when they pretend it doesn't.

Prepare for the worst hope for the best.

Whatever you do DO NOT be overzealous in your exposure of the cult. Relax.

The Scotsman

My experience was similar though not exactly the same.

Look at some of my earlier posts / discussions.

My last meeting was March 2009 but my wife kept going.
But she attended her last meeting in July 2009.

Long story short - for me it got unbearable and I confronted my wife about TTATT. A deeply emotional moment, most stress our marriage had ever been under. She was shocked, fearful, but also agreed on some points.

Then in July 2009 the elders took her aside asking if I was apostate. That was the nail in the coffin for Mrs Scotsman - she never went back.

Its difficult with no easy answers but as I think you have already discovered - you cannot keep living in a dream world - things need to change.

I thought my wife would never leave, never understand - but she did.

good luck...

milola

I agree with what The Scotsman is saying. When you get to the point you are DONE, feel you have tried everything, then just lovingly sit your wife down and spill your guts. Tell her everything that bothers you about what goes on in the "organization" and let the chips fall where they may. Who knows when you lay it all out she may actually agree with you. But I think then if the marriage falls apart it will be more her decision not yours and it should make it a little easier to deal with rather than you just walking out.

My wife is never going to wake up.

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