need advice

by search4truth 28 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  stillin

  I told an old friend who was a DO that I put his name on the search bar and I had found all sorts of information about him that was negative. Curiosity is not a bad thing. You innocently searched on the internet for something and found a trove of opinions that were both fascinating and might even have been made up. No idea what the website was called. Months ago. (Do you clear your browser's history?)

  everybody knows that you have to take anything you see on the internet with a grain of salt. Your wife/ husband over reacted. Mine would do the same thing. I approach those subjects very cautiously.
• 

  troubled mind

  OR ....you could just tell the Elders ,if they ask, that what you discuss within your own home is no one else's business ! End of discussion . It really can be that simple .
• 

  search4truth

  I'm very carefull ( just could't keep my mouth shut ) all I' ve got in my comuter are some old and recent pdf watchtower scans from the internet archives. These are source of my spuse irritation as she knows that I keep them to prove Wt wrong.

  Sadly arguments are inevitable if both parents have completaly different opinion how to raise their child. I don't want my child experience same disappointment in his future life due to some deceiful judgmental religion whereas my other half is covinced that this as an only way to live our life. Thanks for your advice so far.
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  search4truth

  OR ....you could just tell the Elders ,if they ask, that what you discuss within your own home is no one else's business.

  Does this work?
• 

  jgnat

  Telling the elders to mind their own business might end the easy fade but it will feel good. It is so much easier with your spouse at your side. After a few botched run ins with the elders I convinced my hubby to TELL THEM NOTHING. It is a great feeling in a marriage to know your partner has your back. For both sides. After this latest incident with the elders ask your spouse if it worked out as they hoped? No? Might the two of you work out your own business in the future?
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  Doug Mason

  Is it possible that an elder is put in a bind if they are told something? And if that elder took no action, does that elder put himself at risk? If that is so, that forces the elder to act, knowing the effects on him if he does not toe the party line.

  It sounds as if North Korea could learn a thing or two from the Watch Tower Society.

  Doug
• 

  happy@last

  You have 2 seperate issues here, one is your spouse telling other people about private conversations, the second is the elders getting onto you about your doubts.

  What is your desired outcome? If you want to continue to fade then admitting to personal study and looking at newspaper articles and wikipedia is not going to cause too much trouble for you, agree to only do the study they 'allow' you to. I'm assuming you have family who are JWs hence the fade, if not then why put off the inevitable?

  With your spouse, what is your desired outcome? Keeping secrets? Or being open and sharing? Have you looked at Steve Hassans books about helping people escape a cult? It may take time, if you want to save them then appeal to their real personality, not the cult one. This is not going to be easy, you will need patience.
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  quellycatface

  Please forgive me for being so frank BUT I think it's totally out of order that she "grassed" you up to the Eldubs. I would go mad if my hubby had done the same to me. Her loyalty should lie with you, not those imperfect men who aren't even properly qualified to minister to the congregation. They have no formal training, knowledge or titles that are recognised in the theological sense. I am so angry for you.

  You need to sit down and talk to your wife about your marriage. Urgently.

  Again, apologies for my candour.
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  search4truth

  No need to apologise. Of course I'm mad, but on other hand that's what are jw trained to do. I'll sort this out when things get settled. My relatives are not Jw except my spouse family , we are quite close and forced separation would hurt but that's not my choice anyway. Patience is something I'm lacking. I was always open in our relationship, no secrets so this is kind of difficult for me. I did all research possible, Steven Hassan included so I know where I'm standing. I think all I need is to get some fresh air and relax , don't stress out. Thanks.
• 

  DesirousOfChange

  OR ....you could just tell the Elders ,if they ask, that what you discuss within your own home is no one else's business.

  This could work. Because at this point your wife is only one witness to your doubts/apostacy. Is it possible they could drag anything out of your teenager to make (s)he the 2nd witness? (Yes, some will stoop that low.) And, hopefully you haven't shared your doubts with any other JDub that could cause problems.

  You haven't given us much background info, but if it's as simple as what you've explained, then I actually think this is the route I would take. Simply tell them your wife is confused about things and you've been trying to explain the adjustments the F&DS have made. Tell them to ask her to explain how we prove from the Bible that Jesus chose IBSA in 1919. She can't. (They can't either.) Then STFU. Deny. Deny. Deny.

  Please forgive me for being so frank BUT I think it's totally out of order that she "grassed" you up to the Eldubs. I would go mad if my hubby had done the same to me. Her loyalty should lie with you, not those imperfect men . . . . You need to sit down and talk to your wife about your marriage. Urgently.

  I agree with quelly. The elders are the least of your problems. You have SERIOUS problems in your marriage. Depending on the dynamics in your relationship there are a lot of different approaches I'd take there.

  For example, since I am the sole breadwinner here, I'd probably cut up her credit cards and never put another $$ in a joint checking account. When she asks what's up? DISLOYALTY. I'd also start a Journal documenting any kind of disloyal action. They carry a lot of weight in court.

  I'd also start missing meetings and Field Service. Maybe not all, but I'd make damn sure it's understood that I don't have to go if I choose not to do so.

  Please do not discuss matters with her family members that are active JDubs --- they will just prove to be the additional witnesses the Elders need against you.

  Doc