I know it's a completely absurd thing to say, but something happened to me today that triggered the old cult reaction. My mind instantly lapsed back into that of a JW and for a split second I thought that because I wasn't doing Jehovah things that Jehovah's blessing had been removed from me and this is why my life seems to be running into so many dead-ends. As a JW I attributed anything good happening to me to being the result of my being a good JW and dutifully doing everything the borg teaches. Now, since I left the Borg I haven't been able to keep a stable job. Not since I lost my government job at the end of 2012 and began my fade.
If I wanted something like a job or whatever, I'd make sure I kept up my witnessing and went to the meeting no matter what, because weren't we told that if we 'put the kingdom first then all these other things would be added'? (Matthew 6:33) So to make sure I had a job and food and housing etc I was a devout JW.
Well, today I lost that cool job I got back in May and wrote about it. What a complete kick in the teeth that was as I was escorted out of the theme park by the boss, all the while she's trying to make small talk with me to try make me feel better about the fact she just called me into her office and sacked me. So while trying to keep ahead of her to ignore her and walk out with my dignity, I lapsed back into the old cult thinking that Jehovah is punishing me for leaving, and this is why I haven't kept a stable job since I left 'the truth'.
Isn't it just absurd? I mean, I know it's not Jehovah or anyone else, more to do with me being a big screw-up. I couldn't stick to teaching because it does my head in, and can't work on a theme park ride because I made a mistake. Also our economy is crap and there are very few other jobs around. But the back of my mind throws up this old cult rubbish that if I go back to 'Jehovah' then he will bless me with a good job. Totally irrational.