Hard time coping with shunning

by bsand20 30 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  donny

  bsand20 it is interesting that you mention that your cousin cut you off 2 years ago even though you have been out 16. I left the organization in September 1992 while my children were still kids. My two daughters left the religion years ago but my son remained. 4 years ago he became an elder but he was still talking to me and coming to visit when I did my twice yearly trips back to Dallas to visit family.

  Then in June of 2012 we hooked up as we usually do and this time he took me to his place of employment to show me what he did as a mechanical engineer. He introduced me to several of his fellow workers and to his management. I was surprised because he had never let me get this far into his personal life since he had became an adult.

  Afterwards we went to lunch and everything seemed to be going well for the first 30 minutes or so. Then he excused himself to go to the restroom and when he came back he took a deep breath and then excused himself again. He did this one more time and it prompted me to ask what was wrong?

  He paused for a moment and then said that he loved me and said I had been a good dad to him, but it was time for him to make a decision that was not easy for him. He said that unless I began attending meetings again with the intent on getting reinstated that he would not be able to associate with me. He then said that he was grateful that I had not been an "active" apostate since my departure 20 years prior and he hoped I would make the right call. You could tell he was on the verge of breaking down as he said these words and then he departed.

  I sat there stunned by what I had just heard and I was very confused. Why did he take me to his workplace and introduce me to all of those folks only to say his goodbye just 2 hours later? After my shock subsided I questioned whether or not he would maintain his stance, but 2.5 years later I have not heard from him even by email or text. The only "updates" I hear about him is through my mom and dad who have never been J.W.'s.

  I know of a few other who had left and still kept communication with family or friends and their cutoff also occurred in 2012, so was there some extra push or emphasis from the Society that year to avoid disfellowshipped and disassociated ones?

  As a result of that meeting I decided no longer to be the quiet former JW and have been an "active" apostate ever since.

  https://www.facebook.com/donnyrayreed
• 

  ABibleStudent

  Hi bsand20, You have done nothing wrong. You love JWs unconditionally. You can only control your actions. You cannot control other peoples' actions. If you are thinking about going to a counselor, do it sooner verses later, especially a cult-exit counselor. You can ask for a recommendation for a cult-exit counselor in your area through www.freedomofmind.com or talk by phone with Steve Hassan or another counselor to address your unique issues.

  Have you read any of Steve Hassan's books (i.e., "Combatting Cult Mind Control", "Releasing the Bonds: Empowering People to Think for Themselves", and (his latest book) "Freedom of Mind: Helping Loved Ones Leave Controlling People, Cults and Beliefs")? If not, you should to improve communications with JW friends and relatives. When JWs shun you, have you thought about saying, "Shunning me only proves to me more and more that JW.org is a dangerous cult. I will never return, so why waste time shunning me when we can talk instead?"

  Instead of arguing with JWs, have you thought about asking them questions? How would they respond to you asking them on Facebook, "Can you disprove [name of a specific article] on www.jwfacts.com? the point is to turn the tables on JWs and let them do the work to disprove your beliefs. They can count the time and you do not have to argue with them.

  Peace be with you and everyone, who you love,

  Robert
• 

  Separation of Powers

  Please read some information on how to combat bullying. that is all shunning is. Find a hobby. Join a club. go shopping. join the gym. the best single way to address shunning is to enjoy your life...
• 

  flipper

  BS & 20- I'm sorry you are feeling so low. I agree with A BIBLE STUDENT- please. please avail yourself of Steve Hassan's books as they will assist you in moving on from the JW cult. Reading those books will help you. I'm glad you have an ex-JW support media that you help people on- however don't get yourself too down or depressed by arguing with JW's on it. That is a waste of time. Mainly a waste of YOUR time. Trying to argue with a JW is like beating your head on a brick wall and the only thing that happens is it leaves you more frustrated. They will not change due to their being under the influence of cult mind control by the WT Society so nothing we say to them registers. It's like they are pre-programmed robots. But keep showing support to ex-JW's who leave though ! That is a good thing to do !

  As for coping with the shunning I have empathy as well- my 27 and 25 year old daughters have shunned me for 11 years now- what helps me is that I realize they are mentally ill due to the WT mind control cult programming. If they had control of their own minds- they would choose to see me- their dad- but it's like they have Stockholm syndrome and are captured by the WT Society and have been trained to do this by their kidnappers- the JW cult. Your mom is the same way. She's been pre-prorammed. I know it doesn't stop the pain or hurt- but it explains how she can compartmentalize you in her life by turning on emotions after your grandmother died- and turn them off again after the situation is over. Being a JW does something REALLY freaky to JW's emotions. It makes them lose normal human empathy. I experience that with most all of my JW relatives as well. Hang in there. Be there for your dad, he needs you- especially if he's living with a JW marriage mate. We are here for you too my friend. Take care, Peace out, Mr. Flipper
• 

  quellycatface

  Lots of great advice here.

  I hope you get the help you need.

  I truly despise these jw idiots for making people feel so crap about themselves.

  Just remember , it's an EARTHLY organization. Nothing to do with God or Jesus.

  Xx
• 

  Vindico

  I still kind of trip out still to this day. I left over 20 years ago or better said kicked out.

  I have pretty much the two same stories as you and Donny, Literally two nights ago I woke up from a nightmare where every witness I have ever known was chasing a crying for me, even all those wacked out inactive family members still defending. 20 years and these homo’s still get to me.

  I did what everyone is recommending, I went to therapy back in 2000, it is exactly what is needed when leaving these freaks. I also shun everyone today, when they say hi or want to talk I tell them I’m df’ed and walk away, it’s amazing how liberated you feel.

  Donny, I have a sister married and working in WarwickNY. About 7 years ago she came to town and showed up at my office. I was floored as that was the first time in 4 years to have any contact. After an hour or so of chit chat she started balling, telling me she was sorry for the past 15 years. I was really confused as to why she was crying, was it that she missed me? Or that she treated me like shit? Or that she was rethinking everything?

  Nope, she was sorry she had any communication at all with me. So she was ending all contact! No more hello’s every three years no more “hope the kids are good” texts.

  Talk about a mind fuck.
• 

  jam

  I echo the sentiments of Flipper "they are mentally ill

  due to the WT mind control cult programmomg". They

  don't think beyond what the GB tell them..

  I have a sister-in-law that is in the early stage of Alzheimer's

  disease (all timers). It hurts when someone so close and they have

  no idea who you are...But your JW family is feeling the same pain, they

  remember. You don't think they are up some nights thinking, what

  the hell is this, this is nuts. I get word from others about my

  JW daughter, tell Dad I miss him and I love him..

  Something have to break, there are too many families being

  destroyed by this madness...

  The shunning effects them just as much as it keep you awake at nights,

  if not they are not normal...
• 

  bsand20

  Thank you so much everyone, really I mean it. It's funny because when I got dfd I was 15 years old. My maternal grandparents, who lived next door and he was an elder, would hold the family barbeques at their house and while everyone was outside, laughing, enjoying good food and good times, I stayed in my room...but even then I was much stronger than I am now.

  You guys all said something that really resonated, so I thank everyone.

  stormcrow, that's exactly how I'm gonna view this. It's an addiction and my mom can't change if she doesn't want to

  jwfacts, thanks for that. And btw your website was one of the first I visited and helped me sort out the real "truth". I follow you on Instagram and I think you follow me too (exjwsupport) so thanks for the daily advice.

  cultbgone, I'm putting the oxygen mask on now, lol I try to avoid active JWs but they come to my page (go figure) and tell me how I'm an apostate who's spreading lies and will die in Armageddon...I just can't help but respond and ask them questions that they themselves in the end can't answer.

  donny, your story really hit home. It played like a movie in my head. Our stories would make great Lifetime movie scripts..sad reality. Thank you for sharing, I'll check out your page

  abiblestudent, I hadn't heard of Steve Hassan til now so I'll def check out his books

  thank you again everyone, lots of great advice from every single one. my story can be found here and my IG is exjwsupport if anyone ever wants to check that out.

  I wish this wasn't my life, and I go through periods where life is great, and other days it hurts. In the wake of Robin Williams passing, I found this passage being shared and it describes me well, unfortunately....

  "Man goes to doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain. Doctor says, "Treatment is simple. Great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up." Man bursts into tears. Says, "But doctor...I am Pagliacci.”
• 

  steve2

  bsand20, of the many healthy goals in life one is to change the things about your life that can be changed and to accept the things that cannot be changed - and that includes what other people say and do.

  Other people will pretty much do what they want to do - or think they have to do - regardless of what you think. There is an impression that you spend a lot of time banging your head against the proverbial wall in trying to prove to JWs and others that the organization's wrong.

  Yes, I agree with you: it is wrong - but, beyond calmly making your point, you are best to leave well alone. In life, some people agree with you, some disagree and lots don't care either way.

  There actually is no race, no urgency, no emergency. JW thinking will have you behaving as if there is an urgent need to prove them wrong. No. Time is on your side.
• 

  bsand20

  You're right Steve2. I had created the support page as a way to reach out to other exjws like I have done here. However, I'm also getting the attention of jws and after much time trying to reason with them I'm left pretty exhausted. I guess in my mind I didn't see anything wrong with it at first because it was kind of like dress rehearsal for if and when I ever had these same questions thrown at me by my mom....not to mention it's made doubting Jws think and reflect.

  I knew 2014 would be a climax year for jw bs being that it's their "100 years" of Peter Pan's return to Neverland and banishing Capt Hook or whatever, but this year has certainly revved up their Jw-ness especially towards the disfellowshipped.