Hard time coping with shunning

by bsand20 30 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  incognito2014

  There seems to be a pattern where family who choose not to shun have suddenly started to. I was DF'd 15 years ago and my mother spoke to me until 18 moinths ago and suddenly stopped dead. She imagines that it will make me change my mind, but like Donny it has turned me further against them and I can only see the cruel cult that is totally man made since then.

  I will never return and am so angry that mother is so gullible and such a bad decision maker in her life. All she has done is reinforce my view that you will know them by their fruits.

  She has wasted the best part of her life for nothing and has lived though decades of broken promises but still clings on to every word and is more fanatical and dedicated than she ever was.

  I always thought even after I left that they weren't a cult and they weren't brainwashed, but I was wrong on both counts. I was balanced and could see the positives and negatives. There are no positives left to see!
• 

  steve2

  incognito2014, I feel for you. Yes, sometimes we have to get away from something and get an outsider's perspective before we see as clear as crystal the organization has a significant cult-like mentality. JWs think that shunning will bring us back, but for those of us that have worked out it's a load of bs, their shunning is the latest evidence of what a cruel cult it is.
• 

  jam

  If it wasn't for shunning I would still be going to

  the KH, thinking it may not be for me, can't cut the mustard.

  But good for my family..
• 

  bsand20

  Honestly Jam, if it wasn't for the shunning, refusal of blood transfusions and holidays, I'd probably still be one, and if not, I'd at least have my family back and would be happy they found some kind of faith in their lives. I honestly would because I have friends who are of all kinds of religions and sexual orientations and I see them as nothing but that....friends. I figure, if we are all going to be judged in the end, we will be judged individually, the judgement on them would have nothing to do with me.

  But while some jws feel they have come to know God through the organization, the fact remains, it does more harm than good.
• 

  problemaddict

  bsand20,

  Lots of people relate to how you feel. We reach out to others and try to help, and at the same time we suffer the same feelings and issues. This is really a bizarre place to be......."former JW".

  It is something quite literally you have to have gone through to understand. Its why these places and groups are so important.

  I am not certain why the shunning has restarted with gusto. Last year the convention made it seem more important. This year however I thought they backed off of it a bit. Don't let their back and forth policies affect you mentally. You control your life, and the impact of what has happened to you is meaningful only if you give it meaning in the now.

  You have friends you said. Great! Hang out with them. You have kids? Spend time with them. You have hobbies and passions.....awesome. Go get it! Do real JW's troll your site? Let me know where it is and I'll engage them. There is help out there. You know something they don't.

  In fact, no more letting your mother emotionally blackmail you. Don't let her off the hook. But don't communicate in anger. When you are there with your father, take her (kindly) to task. Mom, I'm so happy you are talking to me, but last time we spoke you made it clear you would not speak to me as long as I did not convert back to the religion of my youth. Why the change of heart? (try not to be snarky......this will be difficult).

  I dont know. Its always easier said then done. It hurts when family does this mess.
• 

  jam

  Question for those of you that was DF and went back, how

  were treated by those in the congregation, period between

  1990 up to now?

  I ask because doing the 60's and 70's there was a big difference

  in treatment of DF ones. I must admitt I didn't know a lot

  of DF brothers or sisters, but if they were coming

  to the meetings the friends would smile at you, brothers (all

  brothers) would talk to you briefly. Somewhere down the line

  only Elders could talk to you. I remember telling one brother

  at a wedding I'm DF, you are not suppose to talk to me...LOL

  It seem there was a genuine concern for those that walked

  away or DF in the 60's and 70's..

  The first time a had a close friend, an Elder get DF, I figured

  why in the hell he is not making an effort to come back.

  He was a Elder, he knew the truth a very respected Elder.

  Ok, he was DF for adultery but still I wanted to know, what's your

  problem, we can work it out, it's the truth.

  Today it's like we don't care if you come back or not, if you

  come to the meetings we will treat you like sh--t..

  We want you to crawl on your knees before coming

  back to the flock......WE are GOD'S people.
• 

  jam

  bsand20, I wasn't trying to hijack your topic. I guess I should have

  posted this on a new topic. Sorry, Shunning makes the hair stand up

  on the back of my neck...
• 

  rebel8

  You mentioned "it's making you not sleep", etc. The truth is, you will never be able to control the behavior of others, so if you're reliant on them for your well being, you're in trouble. Right?

  All you can (try to) control is your reaction to it. "The devil's in the details" rings true here. It's the (try to) that's the hard part. But it is possible!
• 

  ShirleyW

  Jam - You went to a JW wedding when you DFd? Suprised the whole wedding party and guests didn't run out the place like a stealth bomb just hit the place,
• 

  jam

  It was my daughter's wedding, 1992...I went to the wedding

  but not the reception. They got a divorce this year. It was

  my fault because I went to the wedding..