by What Now? 34 Replies latest jw experiences
Anytime my family sees my son "misbehave" (as toddlers do!) they make a point of saying how they see such a difference in him compared to kids at the kingdom hall
Don't believe it for a second.
JW kids are every bit as "misbehaving" as anyone else's.
They're just trying to make you feel guilty.
Just remember your doing for your kids!!!!!!
Its interesting that you brought up a foreign language club, because the Esperanto movement would be a relatively wholesome association for an ex-JW. It tends to attract a lot of idealists. Instead of believing we are going to live forever in paradise, it is the movement hoping for a much humbler utopia in which everyone understands each other because they have compromised to not force an ethnic or national language on everybody but instead speak a simple constructed language. It tends to attract a lot of nerdy Unitarians, Bahais, Quakers, and Freethinkers but very few if any Nihilists, Gangsters, Religious Fundamentalists, Racists, or Right-Wing Nationalists. It isn't the most beautiful or practical language but it is easy.
Don't worry about those well behaved toddlers. Yours has a higher IQ and can kick those well behaved ones' diaper
Treat their flaux shunning as a disipline. You don't need to sell your friendship for a cheap set of beliefs.
It is also obvious that the old style JW religion is giving way to how the Mormons (who also shun) are approaching things. The WTBTS after decades of not wanting people to marry and have children in place of the full time work now understand that unless they have families they will have nothing to go forward with.
There is one thing you should pay attention to....... you had family and friends aplenty as a witness, can't help with family except people can discover TTATT, but new friendships can be made.......... even one new friend or a couple can go a long way to feeling normal.
The key is that friendships have to grow organically......... naturely. So you need to join something remember what worked at the KH. A common interest and regular meet ups. There is a ton of stuff like Mom clubs where you watch one another's children, play dates, picnics etc. Meet the neighbors.......... throw yourself a party. Volunteer or sign up for a class and share that experience with classmates.
As far as family goes the diehards never give up or stop picking at it. Shunning can be a blessing with those that totaly turn you off. They get to shun you....you get to shun them.
Thanks everyone ... I needed to get this off my chest.
Our plan was to fade out slowly and quietly, and in the meantime, begin to build up a new life on the side. That went out the window though, when I had a private conversation with a former witness friend, and she went and told everyone that we were disassociating ourselves.
So we found ourselves on the "other side" much sooner and less prepared then we would have liked.
We have made the effort to make new friends ... for a while we were checking out the local Universal Unitarian congregation. On paper, it has everything I wanted. It's just that particular congregation has a very old crowd. Not that I am opposed to making friends with older people ... I just also need young moms, young couples, and we couldn't get that there. There also weren't any kids ... and my son hated going.
In the summer I was able to check out a moms group ... I met one girl who was my age, with two young children the same ages as mine. We exchanged numbers, they even came over for a playdate. But then she kept bringing up her church and how involved they are ... and then eventually it began to feel like every visit was a "return visit" - for her! She started talking about Jesus and hell and it was a bit of a turn off.
Now that the winter is coming though, we have no car (my husband takes a bike into work in the summer), and will basically be stuck at home alone for the next six months.
I also know my son is not REALLY misbehaved. He is just allowed to act like a normal kid his age - which is wild! And loud! That doesn't mean we allow him to be disrespectful and destructive. It always broke my heart to see kids at the kingdom hall, forced to sit still and quiet for 2 hours, getting spanked or punished if they didn't. One friend of ours could only get her kids to cooperate with getting ready to go to the meeting by telling them they would get chocolate sundaes after! Another friend of mine asked another sister how she got her son to be so well behaved at the meeting - this sister said (in these exact words) that they basically had to break his spirit. I just think of THAT when I wonder if I`m doing the wrong thing for my kids.
Hellooo world,
I faded out 10 years ago (not DF), but still struggle with the shunning policy. Anyone living in the los angeles area that would like to meet up to compare notes, or just to talk to someone who can relate? I am in the West Valley area to be more specific.
btw. this is my very first post (on any site..) feels exciting i must say.
_ adrian
Welcome Adrian!
I feel badly for your situation.
Breaking away from the JW cult is more difficult for some than others. Shunning is one of the things that can cause real pain to some people.
You apparently are very sensitive to rude treatment from people you felt were 'friends'.
Others may take it in stride and not let it eat at them. I think the most important thing for anyone leaving is that they are confident that the core JW religion is a controlling cult that no more has the "truth" than Mickey Mouse.
As an ex-elder went 'apostate', I had a very high profile DF. The impact on most all of my relationships was completely negative and harsh. I took an attitude that I actually felt pity for them because they were still in the sticky web and may have been full of doubts themselves, but they simply could not face the task of disengageing. That was 0ver 30 years ago, not long after I had resigned as an elder. Many of the people who stayed were people I KNEW already had doubts and were considered 'weak' JW's. Those are the ones that shunned most rudely and they are the ones that are still in!
I wouldn't be in their shoes for the world.
Hi,
I'm a witness. I have witness friends & friends that are not witnesses...The ones that are not witnesses respect what I do & we have been friends for years, & they have been there for me all the while..in good times & bad times...I enjoy being with the witnesses & have good times, & I have good times with my friends...we are older now, so we meet for dinner or just talk on the phone & it's nice to talk to someone you have a history with...I think sometimes we shoot ourselves in the foot by leaving our friends that we've had for years...you live an inbred life if you only associate with witnesses. I hear this so much on different JW sites...If you have had friends from your childhood & they respect what you do...Don't let man dictate who you should hang out with...didn't you read man cannot even direct his own steps....You should be mature enough to know what is bad association & what is good associations...I'm not trying to be hard hearted but the truth is....widen out while you are a witness...have all types of interactions with all types of folks...because there may be a time that you may decide you don't want any part of being a witness...If you treat your non-witness friends with respect as they should you, then there is a life...Life is a balance...being with only one type of peoples is just not healthy...Just think real friend don't shun...some of us are trying to make friends in the org. that really are forced, & just good acquaintances...good friends are hard to find, & some times friends don't have a lot in common but there is a special bond...you have to ask yourself this question...when you were a witness did YOU SHUN YOUR NON-WITNESS FRIENDS...
Hope all goes well..
Legacy
What Now? The next time your family says something negative about your toddler and the kids at the KH, maybe you could say something like "It's interesting to see how much more loving worldly grandparents are to their grandkids than people at the KH. They love them even if they aren't perfect little zombies..."
