If You Can't Face A Witness Funeral Again..

by Englishman 23 Replies latest jw friends

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  Englishman

  I posted recently about how I attended a humanist funeral for my pal Knocker John. No prayers, no hymns, just a natural goodbye that, in itself, contained a healing element that somewhat counteracted our feelings of grief.

  Then I think back to the funeral of my Dad in the 80’s. It was, quite simply, nothing more than a commercial for the witness religion. It was an overly smiley affair for the benefit of Dad’s non-JW relatives, most of us just sat there and fumed quietly whilst the dubs grinned inanely at us. To cap it all, some gauche female that I had never met in my life, came up to me and stated that: “She could never do what I had done and turn my back on Jehovah”. Cheers, Darlin’ just what I needed to elevate my Fathers funeral into the dizzy heights of my life’s best moments.

  I’m now becoming aware that one day I may have to sit through this again. My Mum is no spring chicken and, although she is as fit as a fiddle now, has stated categorically that she expects my kid brother and me to go along with her own wishes for a JW funeral, and has also expressed her wishes to the incumbent PO of her congregation.

  Now although back in the 80’s I wasn’t as clear thinking in my reasons as to why JW’s are so totally off the wall with regard to their teachings, I most certainly am so now. So I do need to have some basic strategy in mind to deal with the situation when it eventually comes. I can’t see me acting like the son of the local asst PO, who, at his Father’s funeral reception party, lambasted the JW’s loudly for their hypocrisy. I’m not going to stoop to that.

  So what shall I do when the time comes? Obviously it will be a very sad occasion for me, and lil’ brother. Will I really have to sit there and listen to a witness commercial, complete with audio tapes of witnessy songs, when what I really want is for them to talk about my Mum?

  What about the DF’ing aspect? I have always maintained that I will not play the game, I will not enable them in their unbiblical shunning policy by quietly sitting silent, a little goat to be ignored. Somehow, and it may be many years from now, when my last JW relative does die, I want a funeral that is about HER, not about dubbism, I want to attend and play a major part, and most of all, I don’t want to compromise my own principles by aiding and abetting them in their silly shunning games.

  How I will ever accomplish all this I just don’t know. I can't see them allowing me to go up to the platform and deliver a eulogy somehow. But I think it is best to be prepared. Any ideas, anyone?

  Thanks,

  Englishman.
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  Hmmm

  Tough one.

  If the PO is not a hardcase, would he be amenable to toning things down a little? He won't completely get rid of the commercial aspect of a JW funeral, but he might be able to set a more respectful and tolerant tone toward you and your brother.

  Maybe if he knows you just want a remembrance of your mum, he won't cry that to let you say a few words would be inviting the demunz in. That always cracked me up. Like a whole horde of demons are waiting outside the door, but need a smurf doll or garage-sale lampshade to invite them in. But I digress.
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  Dutchie

  Hi Eman:

  Your post brought up a lot of feelings in me that I thought I had overcome, but I guess not.

  When my husband passed away although he was a member in good standing at the kingdom hall, I had by that time become inactive. So one of the elders came to the house and suggested that because I no longer went in field service that he would suggest that the funeral be held somewhere else other than the kingdom hall. I was too emotionally distraught to argue and so we choose a funeral home near the Bethel Home because he worked there from time to time.

  One of the brothers from the congregation gave the the obligatory commercial for witnesses funeral talk and had the audacity to mention in his talk that even though his widow (me) was now inactive that maybe his death would lead me back to the Kingdom Hall. To add insult to injury, he came up to the children afterwards and told them that if they came to the Kingdom Hall they would one day see their father and they would live together on a Paradise Earth. I was too sad at that point to react, and afterwards we did attend a few meetings at the Kingdom Hall. Then I came to my senses when one of my sons said that "Jehovah's Witnesses are so conceited. They think that they are the only ones that are going to be saved."

  So I began to think how they tried to manipulate us into coming to the Hall and that's when I stopped going.

  Then I found this forum.....

  
  
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  OUTLAW

  Hey E-man,you and I have the same problem with the funeral.My mom is a devout dub,and shoves her religion down everyones throat at every opportunity.A real little shit disterber,gets into everyones business.Dosen`t mind putting the family at odds with each other constantly.So when she dies I`m going to throw her a nice Hari-Krishna funeral.I`ll put a 1968 awake with the article "1975 What doe`s it mean to you" in the casket with her.I`m going to play music from The wizard of OZ "Ding-Dong the Witch is dead"AC-DC Highway to Hell ect.I`m going to get a coffin with a flat top so the kids can play ping-pong on the lid.Any dub that dosen`t like it gets stuffed in the box with her.Then as per her request she will be cremated.I will then make sure her ashes are mixed in with a batch of cement for a sidewalk at the nearest catholic church.This may not help you,but I had fun writing it..LOL...OUTLAW
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  outnfree

  (((E-man)))),

  Tough subject.

  I think perhaps you should consider having a private family service at a funeral home. That is, you could have a wake for her where all are invited, but prior to the funeral service at the Kingdom Hall, have an evening where only the blood relatives are welcome. At THIS service you could eulogize your mother formally and invite others to stand up and share their best memories of Mom.

  Then, the next day you could do the dubby thing as per her instructions and perhaps it wouldn't be so terrible to endure because you could zone out and reflect on the previous evening's remarks instead.

  outnfree

  When a true genius appears in the world, you may know him by this sign, that the dunces are all in confederacy against him. -- Jonathan Swift
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  deddaisy

  English,
  a very disheartening circumstance to be in, when we lose someone so close to us and then, in grief, have to listen to the "new world, come to the Kingdom Hall" spiel instead of a rememberance of the loved one.
  When this happened at the service for my father, who had been da'ed for years, and who also grew to despise many of the WTS teachings, the only thing that kept me together was that it was his sons that were speaking. I knew that this would've meant more to my dad than the actual words being said. Of course, his family were the only JWs there. The point I'm trying to make is that perhaps all we can do in this situation is to show our respect to our loved one, even if that means just refraining from arguing about religion.

  Perhaps you can just be honest with your mom. Let her know the comments that were made to you while you were dealing with the loss of your father. (That "female" that made that comment to you was so obviously caught up in her own world that her opinions mean nothing.) There are no guarantees that you will live longer than your mom, but perhaps by being honest with her, she will understand where you're coming from. Chances are that she has no idea how you're feeling. After speaking with her, she may even make some "arrangement" for you to give a eulogy. If not, then if and when the time comes, you can at least find some comfort in the fact that you spoke with her and are respecting "her" wishes.
  Just a thought, I, like you, wish there were answers to such a heart-breaking situation.....
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  144thousand_and_one

  Eman,

  New Years day, 2000, I attended the funeral of a JW family friend who was one of the earliest "authority figures" in my life. The funeral was at a kingdom hall and the only speaker was an elder.

  The decedent was a devout JW elder, who gave his life to the JW cause. He was an extremist in every sense of the word. The talk focused not on the decedent as an individual; rather, it focused on why we all must live like he did if we want "everlasting life."

  I could have summed up the message in a much more concise manner than the speaker. If you want the hope of living forever with a bunch of Jehovahs Witnesses, you must slave away every minute of your present existence in service to a corporation based in New York. There was no talk whatsoever about any aspect of the decedent's life other than his witnessing activity. Nothing about family, hobbies, friendships, social activities, etc. Nothing but "you need to spend more time going from door to door so that you can have everlasting life like Brother X." It is shameful, to say the least, to use a funeral as a forum for delivering marketing messages and service commands to the faithful.

  The JWs were very friendly with me and no direct comments were made to me regarding my departure from their faith (I guess that's because I was never DF'd or DA'd). It's so sad; many of these folks are wonderful people who are deceived by a cult but nevertheless zealously practicing what they believe to be right. I hope that some day the organization is weakened sufficiently to enable these folks to see the organization in its true light.

  When the time comes, Eman, you can honor your mother's wishes and maintain your own self-respect by having the funeral at a neutral place (i.e. not in the kingdom hall), and inviting an elder to give the main talk. This way, you can control the content, by scheduling speakers such as yourself and any others you want to eulogize your mother, in addition to the Witness speech. I've been to a funeral that was done in this manner, and the elder who gave the talk stuck to a scriptural message rather than a "do more for us" message. It worked out well.
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  mustang

  E-Man,

  Many of us are in he same boat. I have been expecting that 'phone-call in the middle of the night' for years. I went as far as telling my brother to wait until morning, so I would at least have an undisturbed nights rest to take the bad news on.

  So, some months ago, I noticed an EMAIL at about midnight: the Old Man had suffered an extremely life threatening crisis and was in the hospital. Well, he made a miracle recovery, practically perfect in fact.

  The Old Man is similar to OUTLAW's mother, but I suspect he is meaner.
  I'm sure the recovery was fueled by pure meanness. Another story(ies), for another time.

  Anyway, I told my brother that 'I can't hack' (American idiom for CAN'T STAND, WILL PUKE) another JW funeral. (As far as the JW funeral goes, I hope the Elder he has been feuding with for forty years does the service.)

  My brother suggested feigning travel delays or just plain showing up late. I had been considering showing up on time, spending the day with my best friend and going to the grave site the next day with selected friends and relatives.

  As an afterthought, I thought about engaging some nondenominational minister to say some words. This way, I wouldn't get the JW commercial and I or others could say what we felt. However, I believe that the thing to do is to get a funeral director to do this.

  He is sure to say "...the grave and the sea gave up their dead in the sure hope of a resurrection..." or such. At the moment, that old and 'canned' funeral service that ship captains perform would be preferred to a JW service. At any rate, we should be able to dictate what is said, supplying a script if necessary.

  Frankly, the JW's have to have CONTROL and orchestrate things such that no one says anything they don't expect or CONDONE/ENDORSE. I noticed the PO at my mothers funeral went around and asked all of us what we would like to have said. I do believe that they do this on purpose to keep surprises from happening. This eliminates spontaneity and perhaps some of the closure that expression of grief might need.

  For that reason, I feel JW's are the last people that should ever preach a funeral.

  Well, there are some options. Also, I believe there are some custom-ers and a potential market out there for OUTLAW's (The Funeral Direc-tor) services in certain circles.

  Mustang
  Who has attended an ALL HIPPIE Funeral

  All that I write or utter is considered to be protected by religious freedom under the Constitution of the United States, as the "free exercise" and "freedom of speech" clauses.
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  Dawn

  Englishman - I can certainly feel for you. I arranged and attended my father's funeral last year - he was an elder and I am DF'd. It was really hard!! And to be shunned during the services on top of it all - what a wonderfully loving example eh?

  My mother is also up there in years. So I thought that next time around I would follow through with her wish of having a JW memorial service at the Kingdom Hall, but I'll skeedaddle out of there immediately and go to my own home where I'll have a memorial gathering my way with my friends and family to say goodby in our own way!
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  Francois

  A Thousand years with Jehovah's Witnesses?

  I'd RATHER be dead.

  Francois