Sheeesh...I shoulda known I couldn't sneak that one by you, Waiting How've ya been? I enjoyed your "did you know" post...was going to post something similar, but some of the little known facts in mine sounded kind of fishy. Turns out that they were(fishy)...guess I can't expect my sisters to verify everything before they send it to me
Waiting's Never-ending Joke Thread
by Seven 305 Replies latest social humour
-
-
waiting1
Howdy Caole,
Nice to see your handsome face too! Ol' Seven's gettin' a bit fiesty with her long threads, ain't she? It's the blond hair.
I went through the first 8 pages, collecting the best - and found this one:............
As a congregation sat listening to the preacher give his sermon, Satan suddenly appeared in all his evilness. The preacher and the congregation all bolted for the door screaming in fear, all except for one elderly gentleman who stayed where he was, looking frankly rather bored.
Satan of course was rather dismayed at the mans lack of fear and said to him "I am Satan! Beezelbub! Lord of Darkness! King of evil! Do you not fear me?!
The old man looked at him and said...."Why should I be? I've been married to your sister for 50 years"
...........................Don't be a stranger 'round here!
waiting
-
7of9
Hey waiting, I started this thread and kept it going as a tribute to your resilience. You've survived some almightly hits in your lifetime and still kept that wonderfully sarcastic sense of humor. A thread with any other title wouldn't mean sh*t to me. Sorry.
Caole, Message for you at Coyote's.
Gopher, Cassandra, eh? -
Seven
You Might be a Yankee If...
1) You think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside."
2) You think Heinz Ketchup is SPICY!
3) You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce"
correctly.4) For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes au gratin to grits.
5) You don't know what a moon pie is.
6) You've never had grain alcohol.
7) You've never, ever, eaten Okra.
8) You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.
9) You've never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you've seen are on
road trips.10) You have no idea what a polecat is.
11) Whenever someone tells an off*color joke about farm animals, it goes
over your head.12) You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.
13) You don't have bangs.
14) You would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags.
15) More than two generations of your family have been kicked out of the
same prep school in Connecticut.16) You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get
his own TV fishing show.17) Instead of referring to two or more people as "y'all," you call them "you
guys," even if both of them are women.18) You don't think Howard Stern has an accent.
19) You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun*and*knife
show.20) You think more money should go to important scientific research at
your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.21) You don't have at least one can of WD*40 somewhere around the house.
22) The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting
on An on*ramp on the highway.23) You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.
24) The farthest south you've ever been is the perfume counter at Neiman
Marcus.25) You call binoculars opera glasses.
26) You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the
road and stopping.27) You would never wear pink or an appliqued sweatshirt.
28) You don't know what appliqued is.
29) Most of your formative high school sexual experiences took place within
the context of a football game.30) You don't know anyone with two first names (i.e. Joe Bob, Billy Bob,
Bubba Kay Bob, Bob Bob)31) You don't have doilies, and you certainly don't know how to make one.
32) You've never been to a craft show.
33) You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.
34) You can't do your laundry without quarters.
35) None of your fur coats are homemade.
-
waiting1
Is that your dog? Beautiful!!!!!!!! Are you gonna put your 3-legged cat up for us too?
You don't have at least one can of WD*40 somewhere around the house.
Numerous cans! And.........did you know that you can put it on a cut and the cut will "heal damned fast." I KNOW that we have at least 4 cans of the stuff around.
You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.
I'm originally from Indiana, visited my NY aunt when 15. Walking near subway, someone made eye contact with me, I smiled and said hello. My aunt was stunned......asked me why I spoke to that person, told her why......and she told me *never* to do that again - as people would think I was strange or "wayward."
I thought she was so strange, but didn't smile or speak to strangers in NY again - that trip.
waiting
-
dubla
where at in indiana waiting? anywhere close to me?
aa
-
7of9
Waiting, The newest addition to my family is a six week old Alaskan Malamute pup. I was looking at pics of dogs online and it was love at first sight. I made a few phone calls to talk to the breeder and bought her a plane ticket for her long flight from Alaska. What a sweetie! She weighs 45 pounds already. LOL Another eating machine. My other pets are not speaking to me at the moment.
7
-
Caole
This is in jest now...I don't write these things ya know
The 9 Types of Girlfriends
Ms. Nice Guy - "Tickets to the boxing match? Oh Darling, you shouldn't have"
Also known as: What a gal, precious, one of the boys, my main squeeze, doormat
Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly
Disadvantages: May wise up somedayOld Yeller - "You spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent jerk! Can't you see you're making me miserable??"
Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from Hell
Advantages: Pays attention to you
Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pansSickly - "Oh, my head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite"
Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Glumpy
Advantages: Predictable
Disadvantages: ContagiousThe Bosser - "Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut. Change your job. Make some money. Don't give me that look."
Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms.Know-it-all, Ball and Chain, yes Mom
Advantages: Often right
Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied - "I just can't decide. Should I switch my career, goals, home, and hair color?"
Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw c'mon Honey
Advantages: Easily soothed
Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbedWild Woman out of Control - "I've got an idea. Lez get drunk an' make love onna front lawn. I done it before. S'fun."
Also known as: Fast girl, freewheeler, goodtime charleena, passed out
Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys
Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffsHuffy - "I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering at"
Also known as: No fun, humorless prig, Cold fish, Chilly proposition, iceberg, Snarly
Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you
Disadvantages: You will have no friendsWoman from Mars - "I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I feel about our relationship"
Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic
Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable
Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloudMs. Dreamgirl - "I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my handsome genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love like crazed weasels now"
Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous
Advantages: Funny, intelligent, uninhibited
Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you -
Caole
and of course there are...
The 9 Types of Boyfriends
Joe Sensitive - "After I wash the dishes, let's cuddle, OK?"
Also known as: Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling, Soft-boiled Egg, Snugglepup
Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts
Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpyOld Man Grumpus - "People are stupid. The world can go to hell. Let's stay home and watch TV."
Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey, Slow Mover, Jerk
Advantages: Stays put; predictable
Disadvantages: Royal pain in the assFlinchy - "I-I'm sorry for whatever it was I did."
Also known as: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you
Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled
Disadvantages: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggleBigfoot - "Shut yer trap, I'm thinkin'."
Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk, Big `n' Dumb
Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled
Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pigLazybones - "Zzzzzz"
Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket, Drug Addict
Advantages: Well rested; easy target
Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfull your dreamsThe Sneak - "Who, me?"
Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, G-D Son of a Bitch
Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt
Disadvantages: May be having time of his lifeAce of Hearts - "After I wash the dishes let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?"
Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster
Advantages: Perpetually aroused
Disadvantages: Perpetually arousedThe Dreamer - "Someday I'm going to be rich and famous. I don't know how, but-"
Also known as: Struggling artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of Wind, Fool
Advantages: Tells good stories
Disadvantages: Will turn into "Old Man Grumpus"Mr. Right - "While the servants wash the dishes, let's make love like crazed weasels in my new yacht, ok?"
Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy
Advantages: Answer to a woman's prayer
Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction -
waiting
Hey 7
Another one????? My lord, girl, you did see Dr. Dolittle once too often, didn't you? Of course, your winter will start shortly, so you'll have many a snuggle, eh?
Hey J Double A
Anderson, eh? I'm originally from Inpls, then Kokomo, then Frankfort, then Kokomo, then I got the hell out of there. 1991 - year after the Great Blizzard (which had several before that one!)
Caole.........sweetie............
Old Man Grumpus - "People are stupid. The world can go to hell. Let's stay home and watch TV."
Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey, Slow Mover, Jerk
Advantages: Stays put; predictable
Disadvantages: Royal pain in the assWhen I moved here, just married - my old girlfriend called me some months later. She asked how the marriage was going, and I said "Ok, but he's a royal pain in the ass."
She starting coughing and carrying-on over the phone (now that irritated me no-end), and then finally (hacking) said: "As if you aren't!"
I was righteously offended and said that I didn't think so. She (who had worked with me also) said "You're the biggest pain in the ass I've ever met!"
I never valued her opinion much in retrospect. One of those blond hussies we hear about.
waiting