Watching my parents age and die.....

by LDH 42 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  Lady Lee

  (((Lisa)))

  I will be 50 next week. My daughter who was never even supposed to go to school in this old system now has a daughter who is school. My mother will be 68 this year.

  None of us were supposed to get old.

  The WT will not take care of them when they are sick. The congregation will not take care of them either. Where are they going to go? What will happen to them.

  Repeatedly I read how the elderly are ignored by the congregations. By the same people they have spent a life time with. They will be alone with only us to turn to. I think we need to be ready. If the only thing separating you from your parents is the JW beliefs then there is hope. When all the WT friends fail them they hopefully realize the so-called love of the WT and remember the love that counts. Hang in there because one day they just might need you. Then it will be up to you to decide to step in and help or stay in your hurt.

  For those of us with other issues besides the WT beliefs the decision will be much harder.

  A not-so-silent lamb
  
  Aspire to inspire before you expire
• 

  orangefatcat

  Welcome Dottie, I am from Canada too, it doesn;t matter where we are from you can see how many of us share the same similar stories. Where are you from. Email me any time. and once again Welcome!! and once again Lisa (((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
• 

  Farkel

  Lisa,

  That was a beautiful and eloquent post. Like so many others, I relate to your experience as if it was my own.

  I buried my father in September of last year. He died loyal to a religion that betrayed him, lied to him, used him and sucked his very essence out of him. Unlike my sick mother though, he never tried very hard to get me back into the fold. I'm convinced my dear Dad joined my Mother's cult just to get her off his back, and it took him decades to finally make it is "own." (They wore him down.) He died a sad, broken man and I would guess a little bitter because all of the Watchtower promises never happened for him.

  My mother does what every loyal dub does when those pesky facts are presented: she gets mad and yells. (As if yelling will make those facts go away.)

  My heart goes out to you. Like you, I too am a victim of this Cult thirty years after I left. I never had and never will have any sort of normal human relationship with my parents.

  JoelBear,

  Your comments were also beautifully put.

  Farkel
• 

  Mazza

  Lisa, I'm not in full agreement with what some of the others have said. I just got snapped at for talking to my 24 yo daughter while she was watching Harry Potter on DVD, which she has seen before.

  I left the troof 22 yrs ago and I think my husband and I are very with-it parents. We are financially generous and emotionally supportive. We say fuck sometimes and we don't judge girls for getting pregnant. We judge people for being assholes - a much more devistating moral condition!

  What I'm trying to say is that even with a level playing field, families fail to get along harmoneously. I came to the computer to escape being around my daughter. Clearly I irritate the shit out of her. I don't know why. Maybe some people's chemistries don't match. The comment about the swimsuit? I took that another way, but you chose to be annoyed about it. I thought your mother was trying not to say anything about it being a birthday present, so she said the next thing that came into her WT filled head. I know it's sad that your mom's head is so full of garbage - but maybe it's possible she really doesn't want this endless unpleasantness with you.

  I've got a feeling that your parents are feeling just as sick about the time spent with you as you are. I know the whore comment was tuff - it's just so sad that your mom hasn't worked it out that there are much worse things in life than sex out of wedlock.

  Look, I've put up with 20+ years of shunning from my family - which means I've been subjected to irrational behavior for 20+ years. I still feel that YOU need to find peace with your parents. YOU are not a slave to mind control and a bunch of lies and manipulations. YOU are better than them and you should try to swallow your pride and try to employ the fruitages of the spirit (hey I'm an athiest - but I really love that scripture). That is how I've handled my JW parents and actually I've pretty much won them over now. Not that we didn't have some ruff patches. And my folks were probably not quite as deeply hypnotised as yours are. But I have showed more patience to my parents than I have ever showed any project in my entire life - and it's paid off.

  Only you can decide whether the effort involved is worth it. Certainly no-one would blame you for giving up - but I wanted you to hear my story.

  warm thoughts
  Marilyn
• 

  LDH

  Farkel, Thank you. I remember when you buried your dad, it was a rough patch for you. I can relate. My dad is my best friend--I am in no way prepared for his death; nor my mother either for that matter. I am working on it the best way I know how.

  Marilyn, I tend to agree with your comments. But what's stuck in my craw is the fact: we wouldn't be separated as family if it weren't for this crazy religion!

  My best friend has HUGE issues with her mom--she was emotionally neglected and abandoned as a child. And they never have been JW. So I do understand that sometimes the chemistry or the love just isn't there.

  Someone made a post earlier about it "not being the JW fault." The religion merely exploits human weakness and feeds on fear, the likes of which I will probably never see again.

  I love my parents, they love me. This (psuedo) religion is killing our relationship.

  I agree, you are right. It will take a tremendous amount of effort on my part; I am alone in this. My sister feels I should let them be; she does not want to watch the pain they will endure when they realize they sacrificed 35 years and all three kids to a cult.

  I'm so torn. What to do what to do.....

  On a humorous note, my Mom is one of those Chronically Sick Sisters. And she does have legitimate health issues; however, she dwells on them and makes them ten times worse. I told my sister not to worry, she will outlive ALL of us. Hell, after a nuclear strike there will be my mother, and the cock-a-roaches, heh heh heh.

  Lisa
• 

  teejay

  Lisa,

  First off, let me say that I will (personally) miss you in Big D tomorrow, but we’ll meet one day, Girlfriend. Trust me.

  Next, let me say that I didn’t read your post all the way through (and NONE of the responses). <<Too many beers and the mind ain’t sharp enough for a thread of this import.>>

  However, I *will* say that a long-held personal theory of mine came to mind as I began reading your thread. That is, if a parent and child have a communication gap (have bad feelings between them, however you want to call it), it’s almost ALWAYS the parent’s fault. Life may teach me something different in the years to come, but so far, that’s what experience has told me. I know the teen years are iffy, but if my daughter ever comes to not want to talk to me, not want to really communicate, if I ever “lose” her, then I’ve done something wrong. Period.

  So, my point is: your mom is wrong in her approach to you. Period.

  Secondly, (excuse the beer) I’ll say that you are just like your mother. Sorry.

  You have an affliction that plagues me (except in the case of my mother... I’ve learned...) and that is, I speak my mind. Anywhere, anytime, with whomever, except Mama gets a pass. Like I say... I learned. She got her bluff in early, I guess. I still speak my mind with her, too, but I choose my words very, very carefully.

  Which reminds me of an insult *my* mother has sprung on me over the years. She’s said, “you’re just like your daddy”, a person not high on her list of All-Time Favorite People To Ever Live.

  My mother’s comment has hurt me for years (Daddy was a jerk but hell... I loved the man anyway) until Debbie (one of my sisters) told me that “who else are you supposed to be like?” I say this only to say that if you are like your mother, life has come full circle and I mean no harm, only validation.

  Maybe (hopefully) I will return to this thread tomorrow, but tomorrow looms as a very busy day. I feel ya, though.

  Holla, Sis.
• 

  Mazza

  Teejay, I hope you are still swilling beer and not slumped over your keyboard, snoring it off. I agree with what you said about everything that is wrong with kids being the parents fault. BUT what the hell are we meant to do about it after we've mismanaged them all their lives? It's not like we set out to fuck em' up. We come into parenting about as prepared as Adam and Eve were for the 'apple test. Of course now that I'm nearly 50 and much, much wiser, I'd do a lotta things differently - but when I was 25, a dub, and having my first child, I was a dumbo in oh so many ways! Added to that I carried with me the dysfunctional behavior I learned from my parents, who learned it from their parents......

  I am lately of the opinion that I should never have had kids, because I spend most of my time agnonising about them. Admittedly I'm at a disadvantage because in Australia we don't send our kids away to College. We send them to a University in the town we live in, which means they live at home until they are quite old. What I've found is that I'm now really tired of the whole parenting business. I feel like the mother bird who wants to say to her grown chick's: Oh bugger off!!! Because THEY really need their private lives and I need some space and we just get on each others nerves now.

  LISA, I was really glad to hear that you are very close to your father. It was my relationship with my father that enabled me to keep communicating with him and open his mind to the JWs. Maybe that's where you should start. Actually what I did was go to my father and tell him that it was clear we were unable to talk calmly about the JWs, but that I knew him to be a reasonable man who had the ability to critically read a book and judge it on it's own merits. He agreed to read C of C on this basis, and he never felt the same about the religion after that. He still goes to placate the rest of the family, but he knows it's a con - and he's 80! :-)))

  Hang in there!

  Marilyn
• 

  LDH

  Teej,

  I'm not sure what "The Big D" is---but I will tell you, I'm not like my mom.

  I won't go into details.

  Let's just say, I've always gotten along better with my dad and leave it at that.

  I think some on this board can relate.

  Marilyn, maybe it would be cheaper emotionally if you rent a room for your collage age kid. There is NO WAY in the King James Version of hell I could stand a 24 yr. old kid at home.

  As the expression says, "There is only one queen in the hive."

  ((((((Marilyn))))))))

  Lisa
• 

  Prisca

  Gday Lisa,

  Just letting you know that I can totally relate to the experience you had recently. I had a similar one with my JW sister & bro-in-law this past weekend. Wasn't real pretty but things eventually calmed down.

  Marilyn,

  Thanks for putting up an alternative point of view re parenting, and dealing with JW parents. Every human on earth has parent/parenting issues, regardless if they are JWs or not.

  As for watching our parents age - my Dad is now 76, almost 77. I saw him 2 years ago, after 10 years of separation - it was strange to see him as an old man. I am now facing the possibility of him dying anytime from now on. It's a strange thing to contemplate. I watched my mother gradually die of cancer 21 years ago. And I've accepted her death. But it is still strange to think another parent of mine will eventually die. Soon.
• 

  Billygoat

  (((((Lisa)))))

  First of all, I don't think you're like your mom at all either. You are very honest and forthright and LOVING. I think teejay probably thought your mother was as forthright and honest as you. You mother chooses to live in her borg dream world and be manipulative AND manipulated. That's a huge difference right there between the two of you. (Your mom comes across passive-agressive, is that right?)

  Second of all, your story really struck a chord with me. I've been struggling the last several weeks with a lot of emotions regarding my parents. Mostly because they've told me (once again!) that I'm not good enough for them to attend my wedding this autumn. It doesn't have anything to do with the fact that it's a worldly wedding, but specifically because I'm DFed. Kinda hard to NOT take that personal, huh?

  I've been hurt and angry mostly at my parents because of this, but I realized with your story that I'm so pissed at the WTS for screwing my whole family over. It's not just me that got screwed by being DFed. But my parents are screwed because they are waiting for a promise that will never come. They are waiting for Armageddon and the end of this system and IT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN!!! *sigh* Now that they are in their 50's, even if they DID feel they'd been lied to, they are too entrenched in the organization to get out of it. It makes me sad. I truly believe my parents HAVE to question some of the practices, but are too scared to do anything about it. My DFing was so painful for them, why would they leave and hurt their two remaining JW children, right? *shaking head*

  Things will eventually calm down, but in the meantime keep standing your ground like you did. I'm proud of you. I hope I can continue to do that same thing when (if) I ever communicate with my parents again. (I've told them I'm no longer initiating conversation with them. If they want to talk they can call me. They are NOT to ask my extended family members about me. I've given specific instructions to my extended family, that if Dad or Mom ask about me, they are NOT to share. They understand why and are willing to abide by my wishes.) So as far as I know, I will NEVER talk to my parents again.

  Keep your chin up girl! We understand in so many ways and wish we could take that pain away.

  Love ya,

  Andi