Is there life AFTER leaving?!!??!

Perfection Seeker

Hello! My name is Melissa. I am 33 years old. My parents started studying when I was 5. I am TRYING to leave the orgainization, but keep getting pulled back in. I have been disfellowshipped, reinstated, and now I am inactive. My WHOLE family are witnesses- no fooling- my parents, grandparents, brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, cousins, neices & nephews. My father recently died-and now everyone gives me the whole guilt & BS about never seeing him again since I don't go to meetings. My mother emails & calls daily asking why I don't love Jehovah & why would it be so hard to just go to 5 meetings a week- "It means your life" With the help of my husband, I have finally realized that it is a cult, and that I want NOTHING to do with the organization. Took 5 years of knowing him before I would even let him bring up negative. I guess my question is this: Does it get any easier? I mean, I have a great relationship with God now, better than I ever did for all those years. I do not feel like I have left the only true organization or anything, but it is the family & friends pull. The guilt, the looks, the terrible terrible guilt. I don't think anyone can understand the guilt & emotions unless you've been there. My husband tries to understand- but has not been a witness, so really can't grasp it. He says losing my ENTIRE family is not a big loss, they've hurt me & continue to hurt me. But, I still hate the thought of missing all the weddings, births, funerals, parties, etc- being NO part of my family is quite sad. I really was desperate & suicidal the last two years I was a witness- tried to kill myself several times- thought that was my only way out. FINALLY see the way out- and am happy, actually HAPPY attending church on Sundays, happy at my new found bible knowledge, yet can't share it with them, they think I don't love God or attend church or anything. If they find out- I get disfellowshipped again. This time I will NOT take the steps to get reinstated- so this time it will be the last time. I guess it is comforting to read in here about others that have made the step. I just wonder if late at night, in the middle of a storm, you ever doubt yourself- wonder if you are the wrong one? I am pretty firm in my new found beliefs, but every once in awhile- MUCH fewer & far between than before wonder....but it passes. I just wonder how long it takes to totally deprogram yourself, and if anyone actually ever had deprogramming. Also, just a wondering if anyone lost their ENTIRE family & friends, and if there really is life afterwards? I guess I am repeating myself & rambling. I would welcome ANY comments- at this time- ANYTHING is comforting. Thanks! Melissa

LDH

((((((((((Melissa)))))))))))))

I'm 33 too, I've been through/am going through the same stuff you mention.

I agree with your husband, I'm in the process of shunning my JW family, LOL. I'm turning the tables on them with extreme prejudice.

You will have to do what makes you happy, and only what makes you happy. Religion is based on guilt. If you want to be free, you can't be controlled by guilt.

When you do talk to your family, I'd suggest telling them that you love them but HAVE NO INTENTION of being a part of the Jehovah's Witness Religion again.

Phrasing it that way makes it sound like just another crackpot religion, which it is.

Lisa

Perfection Seeker

Lisa,

Thanks for writing! I have tried to turn the tables & limit my contact with my family, too- but lately I feel that the disfellowshipping will be close at hand, so I want to see my family now, while I can. So sad that we have to choose!

Can you believe the hours & mental anquish we put in? How many years for you? How did you FINALLY break free? I think it is so sad that we have to choose- I mean- they have to choose between God & Family. I don't think that is really what he wants, do you?

When I was growing up- for 23 years I never even knew god- but instead served an organization. Makes you feel bad for the ones left behind, doesn't it? Do you remember being a "good" witness & reading about websites like this? :-)

Thanks again for writing- good luck in your journeys ahead! Don't let it turn you away from God- he is wonderful! Its that darn organization that messes people up, not God! :-)

Meliss

LDH

Melissa,

My ideas about God are a little nebulous right about now, LOL. I have a hard time justifying the concept of a righteous God with same said God allowing the existence of twelve cranky ass old Germans/Austrians and one token black who call themselves his "chosen ones." Out of 6.5 billion people, his chosen ones all happen to live here in the States. REMARKEABLE.

Anyhow, I was in my whole life. Started fading seriously 6 years ago; now I'm RABIDLY anti-JW.

I badmouth them every chance I get.

And frankly, if they would have let me just walk away and go my own way, I could have cared less. Wouldn't have ever mentioned it again.

But, since it still affects my daily life and in particular my interaction with family, I'm going to be the biggest damn squeaky wheel.

You know what the say, the squeaky wheel gets the grease.

Lisa

ISP

Hey, there is plenty of life after leaving! Watch your new religious stuff! Its probably ok...but don't take it as gospel.

ISP

Anti Fry Pan into Fire Class

Perfection Seeker

This posting & replies is the most therapeutic thing I have EVER done! Thanks so much everyone! Helps give you a little amunition when dealing with the "great crowd" :-) It is sad- but really, there is no HONORABLE way out- I mean, there is no way but to be bitter. Not like you can just say- oh, I decided I want no part- it is all or nothing. Hard to believe I was one of those people who shunned others for leaving. If I could go back in time...... well, would at least not have gotten babtized, and HOPEFULLY not shunned people, but that is what the cult does to you- no outside info or influences, so that is all you know as normal. This website is awesome. Been reading nonstop for two days, really helped at a time when I needed it most! Thanks again!

PopeOfEruke

PS

Life only begins after leaving.

Your relatives have chosen their way of life, which is their right. You have a right to choose your own way of life. Don't let them bully you. I get the same thing from my mother and siblings, but after a few telling-offs they have backed down a little. They have to see that you are serious.....

All the best, Pope.

garybuss

Hi Perfection

You are describing a feature of leaving a high control group called "floating". Those episodes can go on for years for some of us unless treated.

I did have some exit counseling and some pragmatic counseling as well. It all helped. The biggest help was viewing the teachings as well as the behaviors of the group I was involved with and compared those to the claimed standards.

Then I investigated Christianity, Judaism and then theism. I looked to see how God made man and found how man made God.

gb

The Way I See it http://www.freeminds.org/buss/buss.htm

FreePeace

Hey PS,

Check out my story and my article, "Who Am I?" on http://beam.to/truthquest.

FP

Double Edge

This posting & replies is the most therapeutic thing I have EVER done!

Hi P.S.,

I'm not, nor ever have been a JW. My 'advice' re: the dubs is, of course, very limited, but I do have six months under my belt on this board and just wanted to say....stick around, read the various posts....there's a lot of really cool (and a few weird) people here with great advice....they've been down your road before, they can give you a lot of clues.

Take care

Is there life AFTER leaving?!!??!

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