A Time to Weep. A Time to Mourn (page 4)

blondie

Hi Tammy, it's so difficult to lose a loved one under any circumstances but to be deliberatedly excluded by family from such an event is even more painful. My family would do the same and I'm not even DF'd or DA'd. I decided when that happens I don't need to be there to hear a talk that doesn't honor the person but is a sales talk for JWs. You don't need to be there to give these people a chance to hurt you more. You can say your own goodbyes. Is there a friend that you can talk to about your niece, sharing what you remember about her and the moments you shared? Can you go to a place your niece enjoyed, like a park? Can you tell her now out loud in a private place what you woud have said to her when she was alive? Your family cannot exclude your love for her and they certainly cannot exclude you from God's love not matter what they think or do.

Blondie

teejay

Tammy,

So sorry to hear about your niece. I never cared much for funerals, myself.

I've never heard of anyone actually saying out loud that you aren't "supposed" to grieve at a funeral, but it's definitely implied. I've gone to several JW funerals over the years and it's true -- you won't see much grieving, and even if you do, it's always real polite. At least that's the way it was at the ones I went to. It's just like your folks told you... grieving shows that you don't have faith. Sad.

I wish there was more I could say...

ugg

sending lots of love and hugs your way.....maybe knowing so many people care will help just a

little....i hope so....

Scully

Tammy,

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I like the idea of writing down your thoughts in a letter to your niece and putting the letter in a special place.

I'm also thinking that your brother, having had someone tell you about his daughter's death, is trying to convey to you that he would be ok with it if you contacted him to express your condolences. He wouldn't be breaking any WTS rules if you called him regarding this "important family business". Perhaps he was afraid that you'd react unsympathetically considering that he previously banished you from his home. You can call to offer your support as his sister and your niece's aunt. It will give you another opportunity to tell your family that you love them unconditionally.

If you are invited to spend time with the family, maybe you could ask to see photographs of your niece, and bring the ones you have of her; offer to have copies made of any that they don't have. If you feel the need to do "something" in your niece's memory, you can offer to plant some flowers on the burial plot, or write a poem dedicated to your niece. I hope her family will appreciate the kind gestures.

Love and Hugs,
Scully

LyinEyes

Hey Swan, so very sorry to hear about your lose and a beautiful life cut short. Sending you many hugs your way, you have friends here who care deeply for you, never feel alone anymore.

You asked if any of us have delt with not being allowed to greive in the way other people do becaue we are JW's.

OH YEAH!!!! That happend to me back when I was just 18 yrs old. My mom committed suicide and was d/f at the time of her death. No one came to her funeral or even sent a card or flowers.

The elders told me to go in service that would help get my mind off of it. That it was in Jehovah's hands now. Some of the so called friends even judged her to not get a resurrection because she killed herself and was d/f. I should have punched their lights out for saying that , but I was young and stupid I guess. Any time I got emotional about my mom , it was it made them to uncomfortable to listen to it. All that was talked about was to involve mysel in Jehovah's work.

I somehow managed to keep it bottled up for about 5 yrs, then the damn of emotion broke lose. It was a hard time for me, and never have felt such pain. I should have been allowed to greive for her 5 yrs earlier, the way that you should. I never really even mourned for her in the way I needed to until after I left the borg a year ago. Holding back tears, trying to be strong will make you sick. Sick in the mind and body, and is not going to stop the pain,,,, you may be able to stop it temporaly , but it will come back with a vengence.

So , Swan , you cry, you send cards , even if they don't read them, call if you want. You don't have to play by their rules anymore. You have the freedom to express yourself , I hope you do and don't bottle it up.

There are many good and healthy ways to show honor to your young neice that died. By doing what YOU feel is right , will help you with your lose.

Again sending hugs and sympathy your way ,

Dede

Prisca

Mulan, your experience of going to the meeting the day after your sister-in-law's death reminds me of when my family and I went to the Sunday meeting the day after my mother died of cancer.

She hadn't even been dead for 24 hours, and here we were, at the meeting like good little Dubs. I still remember being at the meeting, although the rest of it is a blur.

Mary

Tammy, I am so sorry for your lose, and I know what you're going through. When a family member who's younger than you dies, it totally goes against nature and it is one of the worse things you can go through. I know. Before the age of 25 I had lost 3 of my siblings: one older than me, and two younger than me.

Witnesses can be strange and they vary from Hall to Hall. We were given alot of comfort at the actual funerals and no one ever told me not to cry, but within a week, everyone else has forgotten about your loss and go on with their lives, but you are just STARTING to learn how to live with it. For some strange reason, Witnesses tend to think that because they offer the "resurrection hope", that it isn't normal to grieve at your loss. This is insanity, because you have to grieve: it's in our nature. Even in biblical times, there was a "period of mourning". Didn't Jesus "weep" when He heard that Lazarus had died?

The "unspoken" thought by JWs is: they've died, they'll get a resurrection, Armageddon is right around the corner, the earthly resurrection will start shortly after that, so you've probably only got a few years to wait before you see them again, so what's your problem?

Let yourself cry all you want. You need your "period of mourning" as everyone does. If you feel confused about death, or what happens after death, I would suggest talking to a councellor. This is what I did after my brother died. I was angry, hurt, devastated and I wanted some answers. Talking about it, telling her what my religion had taught me about the condition of the dead, wondering if there was indeed, life after death, really helped me alot because I knew she wasn't judging me like the elders would have. Their experience and judgement in dealing with emotional grief is zero and they usually make things worse.

Take care and God bless.

FreeFallin

(((((((((((((((((((Duckling))))))))))))))))

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Free

Angharad

((((Tammy))))

outoftheorg

Hi Duckling;

Sorry to hear of your loss. Things like this are so heart rending. It brings tears to my eyes.

I think Beenthere and Skully have some good advice for you along with all the other posters.

I think you should consider writing a card or letter explaining your grief over the loss of your niece and send it to your brother. A phone call would also be a good decent thing to do. As I see it the card can always be reread several times by your brother and your feelings thereon may touch his heart and get him to ease up on his shunning of you. I don't see that it would make matters worse in any way.

Be the better person in this situation and let them see it. Knowing the jw's and their shallow acts of caring, this card/letter may be the only one he gets.

Outoftheorg

A Time to Weep. A Time to Mourn

Share this