Advice Needed - JW Grandparents

by What Now? 43 Replies latest jw experiences

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  Freesoul

  JW's can't help but talk about their religion and if they think they can save their grandchildren, they have to try.

  I left when my kids were 5 and 8 years old, when they looked after my children I would make sure that after the visit with my parents, I will explain to my children how the JW's are wrong and to have compassion for my family as they are under mind control. and I explained to them how free we are now that we don't have to follow any man made rules.

  We still need our family and I have now learnt how to have a relationship with my parents, If my dad tried to preach to me I decided to research and give him bible answers that would disprove his way of thinking, religion does not come into our discussions anymore, I think they have decided not to bring it up anymore and that I am a lost cause but I know they still love me and my family, And that all that matters.
• 

  WingCommander

  What a bunch of poseurs your family is being exposed to. That's right, I said it! That's what people are that would act like this. They are nice-nice to your face, so long as they are allowed to indoctrinate your children against you behind your back. And let's not kid ourselves, that is EXACTLY what this behaviour is about......CULT recruitment.

  After the threatening letters I would dumped them all like the manipulative, crazy, bat-shit cultists that they are. That was their TRUE colours right there. Everything you are seeing/experiencing right now is all for show.....glossing over how they really feel about you and your family in order to suck your kids into a controlling cult.

  Wake up. You are being played for fools. I'd never allow my children around them alone - EVER.
  
• 

  cantleave

  Our kids are not allowed unsupervised visits, it's not fair on them to be abused by religious indoctrination.
• 

  DesirousOfChange

  My other concern is that one day our families WILL actually shun us.

  When the word gets out that you're celebrating their birthdays (if it's with cake and decorations etc etc) you'll likely find yourself in the "back room" (if you still attend at all) or will find two Eldubs on your doorstep for an inquisition. Granny & Gramps could be the 2 witnesses that you celebrate pagan festivals (birthdays). So........your thought on the likelihood of being shunned in the future is probably "spot on". If you hope to continue a "fade" and stay off the radar, you need to change your strategy.
  

  Hopefully no one gets beheaded at the parties.

  Doc
  
• 

  Gulf Coaster

  I would find it aggravating to have to regularly counter any indoctrination BS my kids were exposed to, or to have to constantly assure them that the way we live is perfectly fine despite the critical, fear mongering crap from granny and grandpa. Raising kids is hard enough, why should I have to do that? Because grandparents. Wow, I didn't know I was some sort of 2nd class nobody that, as an adult, I still had to kowtow to my parents and allow them to disrupt my life and f*** up my kids. Sorry, I didn't get that memo.

  Young kids can get confused easily which can be upsetting to them. And sometimes it won't be evident that they're upset or confused. It'll show up as some health or behavioral issue later and you'll be left wondering what's going on, having to pick up the pieces. They need structure and an even keel in life.

  My daughter started wetting her bed when she was about 5. We found out soon after that it was because my mother, despite being told to bugger off with the JW propaganda, had told my daughter some typical JW doom and gloom story about everyone being destroyed by god because of whatever. It freaked my little baby girl out. I literally could have punched my mother out for that. I was so mad that my husband had to give my mother the talking-to because I could not trust myself. My husband said he could barely contain himself either. We banned her for 6 months for that. She didn't pull that again.

  That is why I'm not at all sympathetic to rolling over for JW rellies. It's not like most other religions. It's far more severe and harsh, which can be frightening to some kids as they're either too young to process that crazy information or just don't have that capability like others might. And the JWs will be sneaky about it too, undermining your trust and your authority because they do not respect you, smugly believing they're right and superior to you. Why should you respect that?

  I wish you luck and I hope the relationships with your relatives is worth it and ends up being fine. But just keep a real good eye and ear out, trust no one but your instincts.
• 

  What Now?

  Thank you all so much for your comments!

  It has been so difficult to maneuver our way around this very delicate situation.

  All my life, I was told that if I "left the truth" I would not see my family anymore. The threat of disfellowshipping always hung over my head, and I was constantly told that they would be loyal to Jehovah and respect the disfellowshipping arrangement if it ever came to that. My husband was told that his parents would take him out of their will and leave all their money to the society if he ever left the organization.

  We made our peace with those possibilities a long time ago. It wasn't an unemotional thing for us, we agonized for years over how to deal with our feelings in a way that wouldn't hurt the people we loved the most. Ultimately what it came down to was that we love our children more than them ... we were willing to pay that price if it meant that our children would be free of the organization.

  So we were not all prepared to deal with this new situation..

  I understand the emotions involved on THEIR side too ... but something that REALLY ticks me off ... was if the tables were turned, and it was my husbands mother, and when her son was a child, if HER mother in law continued to talk to her grandson about the Roman Catholic religion, telling him if he was good he would go to heaven, if he was bad he would go to hell, showing him Catholic literature, giving him a cross as a gift - she would have LOST IT. There was actually a point around the time my in laws became witnesses that they didn't visit my husbands grandparents for two years because of all the religious tension.

  Now that I think about that, I don't feel so bad...
• 

  ssn587

  If You can't trust a family member to honor your requests to not speak about or tell your children their beliefs so be done with them, if they can't follow what you tell them, then they aren't to be trusted. Parents, siblings, grand parents basically indoctrinating your children shouldn't be put up with, it shows a high disrespect for your wishes. So don't let your children be around them end of discussion.
• 

  cognac

  I let JW family babysit my girls, ages 6 and 3.

  My rules are simple, I don't want them talking about or correcting my child's viewpoints on holidays, birthdays, etc. I also don't want them talking about anything negative such as the big A.

  If they would like to talk about God in a positive manner, pray before meals, etc, I'm fine with that. But, if my daughter is scared in any sort of way or repeats something in a negative way, there will be a huge problem. My daughter repeats everything.

  My family respects my wishes and so I haven't really had a problem.

  The only thing I do have concern with, is that we will be celebrating holidays so I'm sure my daughter will talk about it to JW relatives. That could pose some huge problems but I guess that's just life. Maybe I'll get d'ffed and they won't have anything to do with us.

  You really can't protect your kids from unforeseen occurrences, just deal with it the best you can and teach your children proper coping skills. Also, try to make other friends with kids so your kids aren't also so heavily reliant on just a few people surrounding them...
• 

  Sail Away

  What Now?, I'm sorry for your dilemma. I've read this thread and see there are different opinions-- those emphasizing tolerance and teaching critical thinking skills; others, like you said in your OP, say their family is a package deal.

  I have been in a much similar situation, except that Mr. SailAway was the "inactive" one, and I was the indoctrinated JW. My JW in-laws were shunning their son, except under the "essential family business" escape clause, they allowed him to drive 500 miles to bring us to visit them. He tried to do everything he could to accommodate us and even went to the KH with the family during those visits. In between visits my JW MIL maintained contact by letters to me and the kids. Neither my MIL or FIL to this day has initiated a phone call to our home. Until I walked away from the organization four years ago (because I refused to shun my own son), I always felt like I was in the middle, the go between between my hubby and in-laws and my kids.

  I raised my kids as JWs. My daughter "respectfully declined" a "shepherding call" from an elder when she was 17 years old and never attended another meeting. My son was later DF'd. Now my in-laws shun both of them. I know for a fact that his hurts both of my children on a very deep level. Worse yet, my JW in-laws want nothing to do with my daughter's brand new baby, my beautiful grandson and their great grandson. They are shunning an innocent baby!

  Once I woke up, it got more and more difficult to put up with their venomous speech and ill treatment of my husband, so I stopped writing to my MIL two years ago. I just stopped answering her letters. She no longer writes. They have no direct evidence that I left the organization. I guess we are shunning each other.

  I tell you all of this, because I think that, in the end, only pain can result from your children developing a relationship with their JW grandparents. Been there, done that.

  Just Sail Away
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  Gulf Coaster

  Sail Away, you have excellent justification for "shunning" your parents for their ugly and hateful attitude towards your husband. You should be proud of loving your husband so much and putting him first. That's the way it should be.

  I agree that in the end, there will most likely be hurt from trying to develop a relationship with JW parents/grandparents when you're not in that cult with them. It seems they'll be all nice and helpful when the children are young, but once that child gets to the age when they can choose to say no thank you to the cult, the "love" is turned off. That would hurt.