Is it possible to fall out of love....and married?

Lost Diamond

I would like to know what your opinions are and I would really appreciate some input.

I have been re-married for two years, but along the way there has been some deep hurts, although no infidelity. He claims that he loves me, but I do not feel the same way for him as I once did. I was married to a verbally abusive husband for 11 yrs, and I'm wondering if maybe I just wasn't ready to remarry so soon, and the hurt my current husband has caused has rubbed some old wounds alittle too often.

He has done some emotionally hurtful things to me in which I don't really care to go further on right now, and this has caused me to distant myself from him. I really don't feel that I love him nor trust him ....thank goodness we don't have children together! I have 2 of my own and he has 1 that lives with us.

Would you stay for the sake of his saying he loves you and is sad over the thought of losing you plus the fact that you made a committment when you married, or would you leave for the sake of your own happiness....because frankly, I'm not happy with him? I feel we are very different from each other and have different expectations.

I'd appreciate your thoughts.....thanks!

Mister Biggs

Lost Diamond-

I am married (10 years) with no kids. For reasons probably altogether different than yours, I am not happily married. Like you, we are faithful to one another. My wife loves me and she's loyal to me and she's very devoted to me. However, for reasons not mentioned in this response, I don't love my wife the way that she loves me. I love her the same way I would love a close friend or even a sister. I don't dislike or hate my wife. She is a great person, genuine and sincere. Unfortunately, the flame has extinguished.

I am still with her and I haven't given up all hope. Perhaps we can go see a Counselor. But, like you, I face the same dilema: Stay and perhaps remain unhappy or leave and make HER unhappy. Tough choice. If you stay, maybe eventually you will find happiness. If you leave, you may realize that you really DO love this person and then it will be too late.

Europe

Lost Diamond,

Sorry to hear you dont feel happy anymore!

"He has done some emotionally hurtful things to me "

And he says he loves you?

Would you stay for the sake of his saying he loves you

Nope! Love and respect has to come from both sides!

and is sad over the thought of losing you

Perhaps that's the only thing he is worried about! Dunno!

I was told once: You have to love yourself first before you can love someone else!

If you are so unhappy, why stay in that marriage for the rest of your life. If you have tried to make it work and it doesnt....

and I'm wondering if maybe I just wasn't ready to remarry so soon

That can be very true. Your wounds were not healed yet, you just said it yourself.....

Good luck and take care!

Europe

amac

This is obviously a delicate topic and not ideal for being advised on in a public forum.

My personal general opinion is that the marriage vows are very important. They shouldn't be tossed because someone is not presently happy. Every effort possible should be made to correct and develop the relationship in order to keep your vows and abandoning those vows should be a last resort or escape from real harm. I definitely suggest both communicating your concerns with your mate and seeing a counselor. If you don't like the counselor, don't give up, just pick a different one. At least give your husband the chance to earn your relationship. If he is unaware of your feelings he will have a hard time doing this.

scootergirl

A question to ask yourself..........

Can I live like this for the rest of my life?

I had to ask myself this question many many times when I was w/ my ex. I truely believe the day comes when you can answer that question w/a definate YES or NO. Until then, maybe I wouldn't make any hasty decisions.

Maybe I am selfish, but to stay to make someone else happy and me not happy just isn't my style. If I am not happy, I can not be a good partner.

~Christy of the "grateful I am happy in my marriage class"

Europe

Mister Biggs,

Sorry but I think your situation is different from that of Lost Diamond!

I dont think your wife hurts you as Lost Diamonds husband is emotioanlly hurting her. And she has been there and done that already for 11 years!!!!!

You said : " Unfortunately, the flame has extinguished", so there still can be respect and love although on a different level.

amac

You have to love yourself first before you can love someone else!

Nothing personal Europe, but I disagree with this statement. Although it is ideal, I do not see it as universally true or necessary. It seems to be a modern buzz phrase that many people use to pursue selfish interests. It is often used as a cop out to get out of a relationship that someone has committed to but not currently happy with.

I think marriages deserve the best efforts of both parties.

scootergirl

amac wrote:

My personal general opinion is that the marriage vows are very important. They shouldn't be tossed because someone is not presently happy.

Amen. Marriage vows are very important in my book too. But.........when "presently happy" is replaced w/"long time unhappy" then maybe it is time to truely look at your situation. OR when a person is being abused......then it is time to re-evaluate the vows.

I don't believe that marriages necessarily last forever. Sometimes we make wrong choices, sometimes we grow and change into different people. The way I look at my marriage is "today it is good" and when I have those "down" days I remember my vow and try my damnest to do what I can. I would be eternally grateful if my spouse and I grew old together.......but I can't focus that far ahead, I keep my focus on today.

Edited by - scootergirl on 5 September 2002 12:59:15

Europe

Maybe I am selfish, but to stay to make someone else happy and me not happy just isn't my style. If I am not happy, I can not be a good partner.

To Scootergirl:

You are right, that's my humble opinion too!

scootergirl

Europe........selfishness isn't a bad thing, is it?!

Is it possible to fall out of love....and married?

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