Lost Diamond
Sorry to hear you are going through this. Its a toughie...not an easy call to make. I was very much like you, and can relate very well to your comment: "Would you stay for the sake of his saying he loves you and is sad over the thought of losing you"
I was married for 14 years and for the last 5 years I stayed for those very reasons above. We were a family, and I did love him, I just didn't like him. He too was an emotionally abusive man, but this was due to his JW mentality...he was a believer in him being the head of the household and me being the domesticated wifey with no opinion. I was only allowed to be subjective, which is so against my nature.
Anyway, for the last 5 years of my marriage, I tried hard to do right by him, the kids and the 'troof'. I eventually walked out in 1998. It was a rather dramatic exit, and I wished I had done things differently....but still being JW I believed I was wicked and doomed etc...the usual 'I'm a no good piece of S****' type of thinking. And to leave a man who loved me, and a 'good' man at that...was a really hard decision.
The changes that followed seemed catastrophic at the time...but it wasn't until a few months later that I realised I had just rescued myself.
At this stage I don't want to influence your decision to leave, that's not why I'm responding to you. I just wanted you to know, that its not an easy decision, and you have children and a step child to be considered. Even though he is not the father to your children, he is a part of their lives now...you may want to keep this in mind. If you want to be happy, exiting the marriage may not be the only alternative...there could be other ways to deal with the internal problems. Like Mr Biggs said, maybe some counselling. For me personally, exiting my marriage was the only answer to my unhappiness, as the trouble I was experiencing was all jw related, and so I was forbidden to seek help outside of the WT.
Email me if you want to at [email protected] for a chat.
Mr Biggs: Your experience reminds me a lot of my own also. When you said: "Stay and perhaps remain unhappy or leave and make HER unhappy" This for me was a crucial turning point. I came to a point in my marriage where I decided that my ex (after my exit) would have new opportunities for happiness...maybe find a good JW girl who shares the same goals. I felt at the time that I was leaving him not just to salvage my own happiness, but to force him to readdress his and make some changes for himself, hopefully for the better.
My exit from the marriage left me filled with so much guilt, it was a difficult time and I am filled with a sinking feeling in my stomach whenever I think back. The guilt of knowing you have hurt someone, a good person, is very overbearing. He was like a friend, a brother, not a lover or someone I wanted to be passionate with, and I felt that he didn't deserve ME for a wife. My decision to leave was the right one for me at that time, it was not the right one for him. Today, he is a man filled with saddness...he is struggling to re-establish his life...and I am filled with guilt every time I see him. If only he would find a nice JW girl, but he says he is waiting for the 'new system'. He is wasting away his life because of his borg mentality, it is so sad to watch. Please email me if you want to chat.
Sorry this is so long, its just so easy to relate to, and I can't help responding. I need to say one more thing. Would you rather dissolve the relationship after 25 yrs of marriage and when you're both aged and tired...and to re-establish a new relationship is more challenging? Or would you rather dissolve the relationship after 2, 4, or 10 yrs when you're both young and can find that 'something'?
Just my thoughts. Thanks for listening.
Beck
Edited by - Beck_Melbourne on 5 September 2002 21:47:47