To Amac:
I think marriages deserve the best efforts of both parties.Indeed, but if the best effort is just not good enough than dont stay married to make the other person happy and yourself unhappy! Like I said it has to come from both sides!
Is it possible to fall out of love....and married?
by Lost Diamond 24 Replies latest social family
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Europe
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Europe
No Scootergirl, it isnt, you can have a healthy selfishness!!
but I can't focus that far ahead, I keep my focus on today
So true Scootergirl! It would be nice though, but nothing lasts forever....... -
scootergirl
took me a long time to be selfish w/out feeling guilty. Now it is just second nature!
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jack2
Lost Diamond,
I did not notice any mention of marriage counseling. Have you tried that? Would you be willing to? Would your husband be willing to? Might your husband be willing to accept counseling that could lead to some change in the way he treats you?
Your situation is obviously complex, as any long-term relationship is. I've been married for quite a while, and yet it's hard for me to give advice here because situations differ greatly. I wish you all the best!
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Lost Diamond
Mr Biggs,
I'm sorry that you are going through a similar situation...it can be very painful at times. I believe we all deserve respect and happiness in whatever we do. It's a tough situation. I wish you the best!
Amac,
Yes, marriage is a committment, I strongly agree. But at the same time that should come from both parties...both should give it their all. God knows I try...it just seems my husband and I play by different sets of rules. I've been the best I can be and with all my heart, but I don't feel it's been given back to me the same way. I still have some self-respect left in me to fight for some happiness.
Scootergirl,
I have to agree with you....some selfishness is good. If we didn't stand up to ourselves we become stepping stones.
Jack2,
We have tried counseling. He comes across that he doesn't feel he has done anything wrong. I'm his 3rd marriage, so I guess bad habits die hard. As long as he feels that way I don't believe things are going to change much.
I'm trying to muster up the courage to leave him, and at the same time I don't want to hurt him. He is a good guy, but not marriage material.
Thank you all for your thoughts..I'm open for all opinions!
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Jim_TX
Lost,
This may be a situation that YOU need to be the one to decide what is right. I am recently divorced after a 21 year marriage.
I think that what drove me over the edge was... well several things, but I saw her becoming less and less a partner - based upon her JW belief system.
I am an ex-JW - after walking 20 years ago. She is still a JW.
I saw myself falling into a depression that I may not have come back from. For my own sanity (well, what's left of it), I chose to end that marriage.
You will have to decide what is important to you. If you have already been to counseling - then maybe it is time to look at the next step.
Regards,
Jim TX
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ApagaLaLuz
I think MrBiggs and Lost Diamond should just hook up together.
Problem solved
Man I'm good. Anyone else need my help with anything?
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QUEENIE
The best way to fall out of love is get married...just my opinion based on my experience of course...LINDA LOU
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joannadandy
Ever heard the saying history repeats itself?
Most likely, and I don't have the full story, he is also abusive--mayhap not to the extent of the previous husband, but abusive nonetheless. I just have a gut feeling it's more than rubbing old wounds the wrong way. You are noticing patterns and it's not good. People repeat patterns of abuse. Eleven years is a long time to go without having that change your psyche. Your first husband changed you. As a result you went to something that seemed comfortable, another abusive person. Regardless of if you were aware of it or not, subconciously you thought something in him was normal, perhaps loveable, or even an improvement over the last guy. Honestly, you probably did re-marry too soon, and probably married the wrong guy.
You of all people should know that abusers very often do say "I love you, I need you" and then turn around and call you a "lazy hag" who would be nothing without him. That's the nature of abuse. I've become an expert on it. I have dated more than a few abusive people, and my sister was married to one for four years. I've got a little experience, and done plenty of research on it.
The only way you are going to be happy is if you check yourself in for some therapy. So you can learn how to get over control freaks, and not let them control you anymore. I know I am totally speaking from the heart, and probably totally putting my own spin on the situation, so please tell me if I am wrong, but regardless of if I am wrong on the abuse aspect or not--you are not happy...walk away. You have no ties to him, other than a few emotional "but I love you" statements. Life is too short not to be happy. You very obviously have reservations. Walk. You'll feel so much better when you do!!
And again I would seriously consider talking to a professional about the abuse you have encoutered--husband number one is enough of a reason to go, but I am betting number two or even previous relationships might need discussing too.
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Lost Diamond
To All,
All of you have had given such good input....I can't thank you enough!
Sential,
You hit it right on the head! You are so right about what you said. I think it's just a repeat of the same pattern but in a different form...I'm so worn out by it! I have been to counseling and I thought I had it all right, but obviously all his sweet talk got to me. I think I will go to counseling once again.
Jim Tx,
I know excactly what you mean. I am usually an upbeat person and I don't get upset easily. I consider myself a pretty posititve person and I am usually pretty happy. I get told at work that I never seem angry....although I deal with the public all day long.
That's why I feel it's time I make a change, because this marriage is wearing me out and I'm sure my kids feel the effects. I feel as if my life force is being drained....just like my previous marriage. I don't ever want to go back to where I was before!! I want to feel peace and happiness to the fullest....just like I felt before I married him. I was very happy single and living life to the fullest with my two young kids. We played together and really enjoyed each other.....without the constant tension we now feel at "home". It's not really a home to us.....it's not a place of peace and safety like we once had. I owe it to myself and my children to find a better life for us.
Queenie,
That's kind of drastic....but I can see why you feel like you do. I was much happier single......and dates were abundant. Fortunately I never had a problem finding a date. For some reason I seem to get along with the male gender real well.
I'm not worried about never finding someone special....if I ever do. I'd be happy just having friends to go out and share a drink or some special time together until, if ever, that special person walks into my life.