Hi Daze,
Welcome.
First off, what you are feeling is very normal. Actually, you may not know it yet, but it is the holy spirit working in you. You are not an apostate. An apostate is someone that denounces God. IT is the WTS that calls people apostates for denouncing the organization. They are not God... they only make themselves out to be such.
I was raised a JW since I was a little girl. In the early 80's I was disfellowshiped. I spent 16 years away from God because I believed what they told me. That God wanted nothing to do with me anylonger and that he would not hear my prayers. I believed it was the truth and that I had been weeded out.
About 4 years ago I started to read the bible again. I could not believe the things I was reading was so different than what I had be taught all those years. Daze, it is not a religion that saves you. NO religion or man can do that. The only way you gain salvation is thru Jesus.
Acts 4:12 says..... "Salvation is found IN NO ONE ELSE, for there is no other name under heaven given to men by which we must be saved." ...(see, the name that saves us us Jesus not Jehovahs witnesses. They say that....the bible does not)
Titus 3:5........."He saved us, not because of RIGHTEOUS THINGS WE HAD DONE , but because of his mercy."
Ephesians 2:8..."For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith----and this NOT FROM YOURSELVES, it is the GIFT of God... NOT BY WORKS, so that no one can boast."
(see Daze, we are saved not by works which is the oposite of what they teach. All those time card hours reported count for nothing. It is not about the righteous things we do or by the works we do or by carrying a name of a religion. It is a GIFT.... A PRESENT from God. You don't have to do anything when you receive a present. You are grateful for sure.. but you don't have to earn a present. It is given to you in love.
There is nothing we can do to earn such a great present. Jesus did it all. He said when he died..." it is finished.
Like I said, it was awesome to read the real truth in the bible. When I came to undersand these things and became christian it was not that I had all the answers all at once..... but rather I finally was rid of the guilt to read the bible and believe what it said even though it was different than what I had been taught. I now had freedom.
The best thing I can tell you to do is to just read the book of John. Read it like you would read a good book. Get to know the main character (Jesus). I know this sounds silly, but you will be amazed at what you read. As witnesses we knew ALL ABOUT Jesus.... but we never really knew him.
Look what Jesus himself said....John 5:39......"You diligently study the scriptures because you think by them you posses eternal life.......... yet you refuse to to come to me to have life."( who does this sound like? Remember all the studing of scriptures and teaching gaining knowledge means everlasting life? Yet we never really knew Jesus... like a best friend.
So please Daze, try and do that for me. Just read the book of John like a good book. ... And don't underestimate the power of prayer. Talk to him just like you talked to us. You will be so amzed at the things that will happen for you.
Lots of agape love gold morning
if you ever need me and have questions feel free to e-mail me .... [email protected]