Non-JW wanting to Date a JW....some advice? (page 3)

Q4U2002

I sent you a private email... I can really relate to this!

Everybody could tell ya no, stay away, don't get lost in that glimpse spark of maybe it's love, but you won't listen anyway. I've been through it, I know, and I should've listened. If you want--email me, I'll tell ya my story, don't want to rehash it for the millionth time here...

beepers

HI!
If this girl is doing these things, then she is living a double life. She won't share what she does with her jw friends or family because it would cause major trouble for her. Another thing,no matter how old you are it doesn't matter. Simply put,there is no grey area in jw beliefs. Dating a non-jw is notallowed because the purpose of dating is to find a marriage mate. Jw's are only to marry other jw's. My suggestion for you is simply DON'T. It will be better for your sanity. Amy edited by beepers to remove all those <P> thingys.

Edited by - beepers on 11 September 2002 23:28:11

larc

So she goes out and parties a bit. So what? She feels guilty over one kiss from you. Do you want to know why she feels guilty. Because you are part Satan's world that's why. Just ask her to meet her parents, and see what happens. There is no way that she wants you to meet them. Go ahead and try it and see what happens.

jws

....I liked that but I have a question....She is no longer a teenager either...she is 21 and will be 22 in Oct. She goes to clubs and drinks also....this was happening before I even met her....any idea of this kinda of behavior???

While neither of those things is technically wrong to the JWs, it would be considered bad behavior. JWs can drink, just not to excess. And placing themselves in an atmosphere such as a club is also a no-no, but mostly because of supposed bad influence. Until that bad influence actually induces her to commit a sin, they can't really do much but frown upon it.

From personal experience, I was leading a similar double-life. At about that same age (and living at home), I'd go out to bars with my friends. I'd get drunk sometimes. I'd go and meet and date women (who obviously weren't JW). I just kept quiet to the JWs (including family) about it all. In the back of my mind was the hope that someday I'll settle down with a nice JW girl. I remember once dumping a non-JW girl I had been dating because I had met quite unexpectedly (wasn't looking) a JW girl where we had a mutual attraction and began dating. (Luckily that fell through).

As long as she stays a JW, that thought may be nagging at her mind. That she should be dating a JW.

I wonder if her parents are aware of her going to clubs and drinking. If she's open about doing these things with her parents, she may be open about dating you too. Otherwise (as is probably happening now), you're probably sneaking around behind her parent's backs. That's not a good relationship. Hopefully you can be understanding, but lots of non-JW girls I dated took it the wrong way that I couldn't bring them home to mom and dad.

I'm probably generalizing. I mean no offense to anyone else reading and this is only my personal observations. But a girl who still lives at home and under such a strict rule is not a good person to date. The biggest reason being she's not her own person right now. She's not independent. And on top of that she's living a lie - a double life. She needs time on her own to strip away life under her parent's roof and rules and the religion's rules and deprogram herself. She needs to find out who she is - find out which of those double-lives she's going to stick with. And when she does, there's the risk that you and her may no longer be a good match. The real her might be somebody you don't like or the real her might not like you anymore. It's a risk you've got to take. If you do get together, eventually she'll become the real her - better that happens before the relationship.

I've seen so many of my JW friends (and others) get married at age 18 or 19. (And even 21 or 22 is young - especially if you're still at home). They're inexperienced. They've never been independent and had time to be themselves or deal with real responsibilities. They get married to gain some of that independence. Then as they grow into themselves, they discover they don't really like being trapped who they're with. That each of them is no longer the same person and they're no longer compatible.

I'd suggest the first thing she needs to do is get out on her own. Get an apartment with a girlfriend if it's too expensive to do alone. And I might also suggest putting a bit of distance between that apartment and her parents so they don't constantly drop in. Now she just needs time to grow - without a relationship. She needs freedom. She also has to deprogam herself from the JWs. This is going to be a rough time for her with a lot of emotions. She needs to find her way through it all and a relationship won't help her focus on that. If she goes through it with a boyfriend and you two break up, her emotions might drive her back to seek refuge in the JWs.

I know you want to be with her. But she's not really at the point right now where this is a good idea for either of you. If you can get her out on her own and deprogram her, then maybe. But that's going to be probably at least a year away. Can you be her friend until then and support her without adding the additional emotions of a relationship?

If you date and marry now, a few years down the road, she realizes she's jumped from one relationship with her parents to one with you and never had time to be independent. That's when troubles start in so many marriages.

Or, at any time during this, if she hasn't been deprogrammed, she may join back in. At which point you become the bad guy. She has to give up her Saturday mornings to go out door-knocking. She has to go to church on Sunday morning. She also has to go to 2 services during the week (usually Tuesday and Thursday nights). And, she is also supposed to do some prep for some of those. That's a lot of times she's leaving you during the week. And when you complain, you're persecuting her. If you suggest going out to dinner on your anniversary and that's a church night, you're trying to weaken her faith. Any attempt at a normal life and normal schedule is you trying to stumble her. So you're now being split up several times a week. Some marriage! Her answer is to join her. You don't want to. You know better. You decide enough is enough. You want a divorce. But that's against her religion. So now you have to cheat on her so she'll have grounds for the divorce (and even them might not agree to one). What a mess! Hope she never goes back. Deprogramming is the first and foremost thing. Don't just accept her rebellious behavior (to JWs) as proof of her seperating herself.

-j.w.s

concerned mama

Well put, jws.

Crazy151drinker

Only stick with it if she gives good head. But being that they look down on that- RUN!

freeman

RUN RUN RUN!!!

Oh and one last thought,

RUN!!!

Freeman

Radium

JWS....I like that explaination....no I mean I just met her basically...but aside form that...we havent really dated yet.....this is more of a stage of seeeing if she is willing to do it...I personally dont plan on converting..cause well thats stupid for one....my religous views(granted I am a catholic but dont practice catholisim) are simple and not as diverse as hers.....I believe that she does want to get out of her house so that she can be on her own. I wouldnt mind being her friend...but as things probably wont go the way I would like them to go..I would at least wanna be her friend.....so she is supposed to call me tomorrow and well see what happens in that conversation.

I would love ot hang out with her just as friends if it comes down to that....but trying to get her to do that is a job in itself.

She really doesnt have anyone to tlak to about anything personal..and I would like to be someone that can be in that position.

Could someone tell me the meaning of the apostate??? What is it and what does it mean to JW's???? Could she go this route and still be in good with her family???

Thanks

JT

RUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN AS FAST AS YOU CAN AWAY

Non-JW wanting to Date a JW....some advice?