Hi Scooby, yes I can relate to and empathize with what you are saying. BluesBrother wrote a similar thread just yesterday, I think it was. I was away from the org for 12 years and still believed the ENTIRE TIME it "was the truth." I thought I would die for sure (at Armageddon) if I didn't get my act together and get back "in there." I never had a bad experience as a JW either, and never really saw any of the "fishy stuff" going on, nor did it ever occur to me I was being mistaught or misled, etc. The biggest complaints I ever had was how the brothers couldn't READ worth a hoot, or the ones who gave boring talks, or how "UNorganized" my cong seemed. The only "nagging" thing in my gut I ever remember, was in the late 80's how the words "Jehovah's ORrrrrGANIZAaaaaaTION" was (it seemed like) being written or spoken (shoved down our throats) in every sentence. Was it me just getting restless or was it something more? At the time I thought it was me, of course, "drifting away" in that little row-boat. In other words, I was a good 'lil dub at heart (except for those things above) and left for reasons not related to doctrine or Bible teachings, etc. Why, I was seriously thinking of going back (especially after 9/11)! That's when I came online to see if I could find what JWs were saying about 9/11, the great trib, Armageddon, etc. etc. I ended up in one group for "JWs with doubts & questions" etc., and vehemently defended the JWs. I only lasted in that group maybe a month because it was flat-out exhausting. Then I stumbled on a link to SilentLambs. (The link said something like "Wolves in the Congregations" or something really scary like that, which is why I clicked on it. All the other anti-JW stuff I had skimmed over didn't seem to bother me -- pyramids, Heaven's Gate, whatever... I thought it was all silly stuff at the time). But it was SilentLambs that took the blinders off my eyes. I cried and cried for a week but couldn't stop reading that site. After that I began going back and reading in detail all of the other xJW sites, like the ones above, this time without the blinders on. After Dateline I finally registered here to post. Hey, it's all "downhill" after that! [sarcasm!]
The things that really bothered me after doing all that reading were: (a) The change in the baptismal vows, which even tho I was a dub at the time [1985], it went right over my head. [b] The changes in the blood policies, the deal the WTS made with the Bulgarian gov't. (c) Changes in the military service policies, (d) and the fact that they renegged in 1995 on the "generation;" etc. etc. --- In addition to the links above, be sure to check out the WT QUOTES site: http://quotes.jehovahswitnesses.com/ Just reading a line-up of all WT quotes on various topics will really really clear the mind!
Even with finally knowing all the "dirt" on the WTS, every now and then a little glimmer of longing will rise up (expressed well by BluesBrother in his thread yesterday) -- a longing for what I wish it really was (but it isn't), a longing for that conviction I had as a dub (and now don't know what to believe), and missing that "belonging" to a group (I'm not one of those ready for another religion yet!) It's kinda scary not knowing where I'm headed, but it's also kind of exciting, like on the threshold of something much better (because I DO well remember during my dub years always feeling like I was NEVER DOING ENOUGH [exhausting!], along with the subsequent GUILT, the SELF-RIGHTEOUSNESS & judgmentalism (hard to admit that to ourselves, but I definitely was one of those judgemental SR types!), and last but not least, FEAR: fear of Armgeddon, fear of being counted unworthy... and fear of the apostates especially! You may not be aware of it yet, but think about whether you ever really felt any of these emotions while a dub. Then we have to ask, how can Guilt, Fear, etc. be how Jehovah would want us to walk around feeling all the time?
I say give it six months from where you're at right now. If you start reading like the others have suggested, six months from now you will feel differently. Since I'm still so "enamored" with this site and the SilentLambs cause, I still haven't taken the time to order Ray Franz' or any of the others' books yet. At first I was in no hurry to read them because I knew that would be the "last nail in the coffin" of my former "dream" religion, and was I ready for that? (Ignorance is Bliss, they say). Well, I am ready now to read them, and plan to buy a whole bunch o'books after the SilentLambs March.
Anyway, I know what you mean. You're not the only one feeling/thinking the way you are right now. Not all, but some on this forum have been there, and every now and then still get those same feelings. (Guess I am not fully de-programmed yet!)
Grits
