Honestly, what would you do?

by Tinkerbell4125 26 Replies latest social relationships

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  Ephanyminitas

  "Should I continue to put myself in a position where I would be exposed to that?"

  Yes. Remember that what they are trying to do is bother you, to make you feel shame. If you decide not to attend a function because they -- your Witness family -- will be there, then they have succeeded. Remember that is it THEY who are wrong -- not you. The shunning might hurt, but stand up for yourself and what you believe. If you give in, then you will just bolster their belief that they are right and you are wrong.

  Were I you, I would attend the event and treat them just as you might treat anyone else. Now, I don't know if they are pleased to be doing what they're doing, or if they only do it because they are supposed to; but you are under NO obligation to avoid them or treat THEM badly. Just briefly say hello to them, and say that you hope they are doing well (and, oh, how little Johnny's grown). DON'T say or ask anything, of course, that would require them to make any sort of response at all. Take control of the situation; otherwise, THEY will.

  By doing this, you might been asked by someone else to tone it down because you're making your Witness family members uncomfortable. Reply that you are simply being friendly, because despite how they treat you, you are still their sibling, and you will treat them as such. There is, after all, no reason for you to shun them. Be nice. They're your family. I wouldn't spend a lot of time with them at all, but I see no reason why you shouldn't say your hello's and whatnot. Watch 'em squirm.

  So in short, stand your ground and be a part of your family. Don't turn and run away with your tail between your legs. If you look happy and pleased with your decision, they will notice. They will notice that, hey, you don't look so unhappy after all -- even when being shunned.
• 

  LyinEyes

  Tink, I guess we all have some kind of problem when it comes to the right way to deal with a situation. I guess what I am saying there is no right way. There is your way and that is the only way you can go, in the end you have to look at yourself in the mirror. Don't let them take away your dignity by making you feel like an outsider. To hell with them all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  Tink, you know I don't have a mother, I don't have a father even thou he is alive and well. He is a die hard hypocritical JW. Alot of the reason he ignores me has nothing at all to do with being a JW, although I am sure it is a big influence. NO religion would tell me to never care for my children, even when they are grown, never. He turned his back on me in such a sly and subtle way, that not many saw it. He just neglected me to the point of acting like I didnt exist. I got a phone call once or twice a year from him, usually around time for a circuit assembly so he could act like we were close in front of everyone. I called begging him to share in my life, I cried, I acted like a 9 yr old. He didnt call me back for months. I would call him and leave messages for him to call me back, it would be several months before I heard back from him. He would go to the hospital with heart fluters and I never heard about it. How much more did he have to do for me to get the point he really doesnt love me or he can't fit me into his life? For 17 yrs I have taken this neglectful , hurtful, abuse. I finally figured in my dad's mind, he must see my sister and I as a reminder of a life he no longer wishes exsisted. The memory of my mom, his kids from her have been buried deep in his soul and he refuses to love what is left of so many years we had as a family. It was a shitty family life, but that was my daddy, and I loved him, no matter how much he beat me, humiliated me or whatever. A child will always find a place in their heart even for the worst parent. I still know somewhere I love my dad, but I hate him too. I really do. I know many will say it is just hurt, but I hate the things he does, the things he stands for, and the religion he uses to excuse it all.

  I watched a show about letting go of toxic people in your life. Some people on the show even wrote letters, phoned their toxic family or friends. The reason they were called toxic, is they were making the people so miserable and it was not worth hanging on to the relationship anymore.

  All I have is my sister really, and if she ever gave me crap like my dad, I would write her off as toxic too. I have my husband,I have my kids, friends, and mainly myself to make happy.

  Those who want to hurt us, deserve to be severed from our lives. If they love us , they will change, if not they can have keep their bitterness and misery to themselves.

  Yes, it hurts, I cry alot over it. Once I cry, which is about once a month I break down and let it all out, I realise it is just not worth it. I hate the way it makes me feel. Their playing like we are dead can go both ways, let them see you intend to live your life , and hold your chin up.

  God, Tink,,,,,,,,,,,, I care so much for you, I hate you feel so bad. But sometimes there is not easy way to fix things, no way to change others, and you just have to move on and find what is the best for you. I am sure the more they shun you the more pissed you will become and then you will see the real fighter come out in you. And you know what,,,,,,,,,,, that is a good feeling, Never let them see you cry, never let them have the power to make you question yourself.

  All my love,,,,,,,,,,,,, your friend Dede
• 

  Tinkerbell4125

  Dede, you are such a sweetheart!!!

  You have been through so much too! You know what it's like, to have to deal with this j.w. bullcrap. I just get fustrated with it. Maybe I'm a control freak and I want everyone to act the way I think they should act! I need to stop obsessing over this and do as you say, to hell with them!!! In all honesty, I just wish that my siblins and I could get along despite our religious differences. I need to learn how to surrender to things that I have no control over. I know my life would be less complicated, but how do you do that!!!

  When are you and hubby coming down this way? We have to get together, k!

  Love ya too girl, Tink
• 

  Tinkerbell4125

  p.s. Thanks guys for all your imput on this, I really really appreciate it!!!

  Tink
• 

  garybuss

  Shunning is not like a cool autumn breeze it is a hurricane. It is a huge thing. The shunners are abusing me and I won't stand for it nor will I cooperate to give them an environment to practice it nor will I allow it without reprimand.
  
  If non-JW relatives are not aware it is going on, they need to be told and if they allow it to happen anyway then they are part of the shunning and they are abusers to be avoided as well. I notify them that if they are inviting the JW's they are uninviting me and have taken a side against me that I will not soon forget. Shunning to me is war. Lines are drawn and sides are chosen. I will not allow it to happen silently and unnoticed. It is emotional blackmail and it is abuse and those who practice it are not good enough for me.
  
  Initially I was shocked at how easily my JW relatives and acquaintances rejected me and my family. For a time I was hurt and then angry. Now I am thankful. It has all worked out very well. They have all disappeared in the rear view mirror of life.
  
  I am happy to have had the opportunity to identify people who's connection to me was superficial and conditional on my loyalty to immaterial issues.
  
  The Witnesses are the worst kind of people. They slither in and cut out a spouse or a child and then infect that person with a desire to farther divide the family and isolate the rational people who reject their nonsense. When the shunning begins, the remaining family is protected from farther assault.
  
  I do not want any connection to the Witnesses and I am thankful they shun me and my family. I demand it continues.
  
  The benefits are many. The remaining family members are closer now that the divisive element has been removed. The enemies of our family have identified themselves and made it easy to observe them from a safe distance.
  
  Loosing a relative to the shunning of Witnessism is a little like loosing a limb to cancer. We mourn the loss and eventually we move on. We become grateful for that which we still have rather than being centered on that which we lost. We are not grateful for the loss but we are grateful for that which the loss allowed us to keep.
  
  Those who do not mourn the loss and move on are doomed to be the exact victim the Watch Tower Society designed. They have lost and the Watch Tower Society has won.
  
  I say: The shunning has been good for us. I hope it continues. It has been a gift.
  
  gb
  
  
• 

  Simon

  I think garybuss is right: shun the shunners

  I have very little to do with my JW relatives over here because I know they are looking for opportinities to shun me.

  What works best for me is to ignore them. When my brother is at home I will pick him up to go for a drink and if I do go in the house I don't bother to try to make conversation. I am civil if someon is civil to me but if they want to play at being stupid then they will get it in return.

  Does it bother me anymore?

  No ... family bonds, like any friendship, needs work to maintain it and I don't really give a hoot about them anymore. I care more about the family that I ignored and shunned when I was a JW who gave me a second chance.

  Of course when they see sense, I will give my current brain-dead relatives a second chance too. In the meatime though I won't give them the satisfaction of lettting them shun me by 'deperately' trying to keep in touch.

  Sod 'em. Life is too short to ... I have my own nearest and dearest and concentrate on them.

  Edited by - Simon on 21 September 2002 18:10:12
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  Tinkerbell4125

  Gary, I have to agree with you on this one! I feel by putting myself in a situation where I would be shunned, is only giving them the inviroment in which to do so. I also feel you are right when you say that if non j.w. relatives allow the shunning in their presents, then they are apart of it also. It is emotional blackmail! I guess the bottom line for me is, weather or not I want to be in the same room with a Jehovah's Witness. The answer to that is NO!

  If my non j.w. relatives do not respect my decision on this, then that's too bad. It's their loss! The next time there is a family gathering, I'll ask if there's going to be j.w.'s there. If the answer is yes, then I will tell them that I have to decline their invitation. I choose not to be in the same company with them, regardless of the occasion.
• 

  Tinkerbell4125

  Simon, so does that mean that you would decline a invitation to a wedding or a funeral if you knew that your j.w. relatives were going to be there?
• 

  simplesally

  People only have the power over you that you give them. Don't give them that power. Take it back.

  My sister has not spoken to for me 3 years and doesn't let anyone talk about news of me when they are with her. They are not even allowed to mention my name in conversation or my dad said she gets a mad face. At first, I always inquired of her and her family. My parents would fill me in and my dad would even take pictures of the boys and send them to me. But after almost 3 years of her shunning me, I am through.

  My mom recently "shut me down" when I talked of my dad (they are divorced) and said she didn't want to hear about him or hear what he had to say about my cute daughter. When she said "you'll understand someday" .... I said, "I do. But I put up with it. You always tell me about Kerry and her kids but I say nothing. I listen. But you can't talk about me to her. Like I did something wrong???? So, from now on, don't tell me about her. Never mention her name in front of me.

  I am shunning her now. I told my dad, I hope I die first so she can be depressed for having done this, so she can have a huge regret in her life.

  (My sister is angry that my mom lent me money and didn't charge me interest......but years ago lent her money and did charge her, so instead of being mad at mom or understanding why mom lent me money in that manner, she shuns me.......... Oh and she said when I was 8 and she was 6, I was mean to her!! LOL

  Edited by - simplesally on 21 September 2002 20:11:2
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  LB

  I choose not to be in the same company with them, regardless of the occasion.

  I do understand why you feel this way and I just might behave exactly the same.

  But they still win don't they? You're putting exactly the same pressure on your non jw family members as the Jw's are. That really sucks for them.

  I'd love to see you work through this. Maybe even go so far as to tell your JW family members that you love them unconditionly as Christ loved everyone. Tell them that you will always be there for them regardless and then, allow them to shun you to their own embarressment.

  I had my gall bladder out a few years ago. It wasn't a big deal at all. Enjoy your pain meds while they'll give them to you.