Honestly, what would you do?

by Tinkerbell4125 26 Replies latest social relationships

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  bigfloppydog

  Shunning is the absolute worst thing to do to a person, it has happened to many people here, myself included, it used to bother me, and sometimes I was put into situations (funeral) where the shunning was unbearable, this is a time when a loved one has passed, and still they have the opportunity to shun and make you feel like crap. I no longer go to functions that make me feel uncomfortable and I know what to expect. Why put myself in that enviroment it just makes me feel awful, so I do not give them the chance to do that to me. Yes you miss out on alot of things, weddings, parties etc, but is it worth it at your expense, nah!

  What I always wanted to do deep down, was confront them and ask them if they have a problem or something, like where is this coming from, I mean family is family, does that not mean something to these people. I have had my brother-in-law (elder) at my door many a time, finally I asked him not to come to my house anymore, not even to drive in my driveway. When he repeatedly still showed, each and every time he did that I just stood there and asked him, Why are you here, I asked you not to come to my house, he backed off and left. Now he never comes. Thank God.

  I did miss my Aunts funeral, and felt really bad, but if any of my non-JW relatives ask me why, I will surely tell them. I really do not give a rats petutee what people think of me.
• 

  CC Ryder

  Tink has been laboring over this issue for some time. We have talked about it a few times and I would like to share with you all what my advice was to her. The prospect of a wedding or family gathering is not as apt to happen soon. However, her Uncle (non witness) is very ill with dimentia and alzheimers and is in a nursing home. It is more likely that his funeral will be the first situation that will arise. I told her that if she felt she could not emotionally handle a funeral due to how she handles such stressful situations, and chooses not to attend for that reason, then thats what she should stick to. If she is more worried about her JW siblings being there and shunning her, and she really wanted to pay respect to her Uncle and be there with her non-JW siblings, then letting the JW's win out by making her stay away would not be the thing to do. This could also apply with a wedding, which may come up in the future with either her nephew or neice who are in relationships and may be getting married one day. She only has to say hello to them and move on to talk to those who do not shun her. If they choose to talk to her further, than thats a plus, and if not, then thats their lose. She will at least be doing what is in her heart and not letting them control the situation.

  Tink is very worried right now about her surgery coming up early next week and is still in pain and is very uncomfortable. Her being worried and stressed about this is making her saddened about her family situation. Only her three of her brothers, who are not JW's, and non of the rest have called to find out how she is doing and to ensure her that all will go well with her surgery, even though everyone (11 in all) must know about it by now. I told her not to expect anything from them, and that they really are concerned about her, but are wrapped up in a religion that controls how they think and act towards us. I think after we talked she is feeling more confident in the future dealings with her JW sib's. Her only request was that I be there to help her through it....Weeeellll....Of course!!!

  Thanks to all your comments and good advice...we'll help her get through this....=:-)>

  CC
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  outoftheorg

  Hello Tink.

  Glad to hear that your illness is one that is curable with a small operation. Best wishes.

  On the issue of what to do with relatives that shun you. You are the only one who can come up with a course of action for you. I will tell you what I did to hold onto my dignity and self respect.

  Some of my siblings told me they would be loyal to the wbts and shun me. So I told them that if they were to do that I am making it easy on you and you are not welcome by me at any time or any circumstance. YOU are to never contact me about anything.

  Then if a family gathering comes that "I want to go to" I go and I ignore them completely and only associate with the others. If they speak to me I ignore them. IF and only if they approach me and offer to stop the shunning will I ever speak to them again.

  That is MY way of dealing with the issue and may not be the right one for you.

  I am not sure, but it seems to me that my actions disturb the relatives that shun me. I think it is due to me not giving them any leverage or control over me & seeing that I can have a life without them or the wbts. When I am at one of these gatherings I go out of my way to show happiness and joy and the close attachments to others in the family. I come away feeling good in many ways. Especially about living my own life and not having others poking-pulling-pushing me and letting them see that the jw's and wbts mean very little, actually nothing to me.

  On other posts here I have advised others to be the better person and show all love on the occasion they brought up. I still think that is a good thing to do on the initial times this issue comes up not long after the da or df'd action is taken. I did that, but after a time it was clear who would and would not be the hard line shunners. These are the ones I disavowed completly.

  Outoftheorg
• 

  bigfloppydog

  You have a good point here outoftheorg: If one does go to a gathering, and seems saddened by the fact that her/his JW relatives have that kind of effect on them, then they the JW's win, win, win, they have accomplished their point "If I shun you, you will be miserable." If you go in there and have fun with everyone else, and show that you are truly happy, and shun them, then they may be the ones who are miserable, because they did not get the reaction they expected. Some just chose not to go to such gatherings as it may be just to uncomfortable, others can handle better.

  I have on occasion had the opportunity to shun them rather then them getting the jump on me, and it does irretate them to no end. They back off real quick.
• 

  myself

  Tink,

  I am attending my Grandmother's funeral this coming weekend. She was Catholic. There is a possibility of one of my brother's being there who is a jw elder. One of my family members has mentioned that they may want me to read something there at the funneral. My response is that I would be honored to do that in memory of my grandmother. I don't know, it may even be religious and it may cause my being df'd, I have already walked away years ago so that doesn't bother me. My mother and brother don't really have anything to do with me anyways. My brother usually makes an excuse of being busy and having to leave if I am around, and I guess with his elder responsibilities I am sure he is busy, however it lets me know that I am very low on his list even if I am family.

  My point is - I will not allow my jw family members keep me from events of other family members. Those who shun me, well that is their problem.

  Myself
• 

  Yerusalyim

  Wear it like a Red Badge of Courage. Refuse to be shunned. Speak to them even if they aren't speaking to you. SHAME them into recognizing their position is WRONG!
• 

  Jesus Christ

  Go with what Dakota Red said, go and make the shunning their problem. Any power or control they have is only what you give them and nothing more. Besides, they're the ones in the cult and have the problem, not you. Go and see the power you have to make them uncomfortable just by showing them how happy you are.