What are your thoughts on writing DA letters?

by mamashel 37 Replies latest jw experiences

• 

  mamashel

  As most of you know, i have been inactive for about 2 1/2 yrs and completely out for about 7 months. I am debating on wether or not to write a letter of DA to the org or not. In some ways i just want closure, and on the other hand i dont want to play by their rules.

  My husband is inactive, and just doesnt want to go any more. Says he wasnt cut out to be a JW. But there is still a part of him that believes it's true because he was raised as a jw. He says if i want to write the letter he wont be upset, but i really dont know what to do. His family is ALL still in and i dont want them trying to make him misserable talking about me to him about it. He doesnt have much contact with them though.

  Just wondering what your thoughts were.

  thanks

  mamashel
• 

  pomegranate

  In some ways i just want closure, and on the other hand i dont want to play by their rules.

  I believe closure is a state of mind.

  If you don't want to play by their rules, don't send a letter. I believe your actions will speak louder than any written words.

  My husband is inactive, and just doesnt want to go any more. Says he wasnt cut out to be a JW. But there is still a part of him that believes it's true because he was raised as a jw.

  He needs to study the other side, read guys like Ray Franz and gals like Diane Wilson.

  He says if i want to write the letter he wont be upset, but i really dont know what to do. His family is ALL still in and i dont want them trying to make him misserable talking about me to him about it. He doesnt have much contact with them though.

  In the end, it's up to you. I say, get on with the future and forget about the past as best you can. A DA letter is remembering the past, but it could very well be what is needed for you and your mate to get on with the future.
• 

  mouthy

  My own opinion is Dont do it. Just dont attend. I find if you just fade.You wont lose friends family or anything. When the JWs see you on the street they will still be able to smile or talk. If you DA they will feel they are sinning if they do that. You dont need closure for the WT. Give the closure to yourself. Know they are NOT GODS channel never have been never will be. But Do read Crises of Conscience" Or Combatting mind Control"

  My 2 cents worth

  . Grace
• 

  out4good3

  Yes..definitely read Franz. Just got finished with the chapter where he speaks of the Mexico, Malawi incidents. Talk about Double standards!!!
• 

  Dia

  Wow. It's great that he wouldn't mind.

  Is there any chance they would shun you? Or bring you up on apostacy charges?

  If it ain't broke, don't fix it, I say.

  Then just look forward to years and years of subtle hints that will probably never get anywhere.

  The book is an excellent suggestion.
• 

  Pathofthorns

  I think few things drive them more crazy than someone that has clearly left off involvement but refuses to disassociate themselves.

  Most JW's would rather be doing anything other than "theocratic activities" so when they see you retain the JW label without doing anything while they are busting their asses going to 5 meetings/week and going door to door and still getting lectured by the WT for not doing enough, they just can't stand it.

  When you're kicking back with a beer watching the game on weeknights or sleeping in on the weekends and not feeling guilty about it, they are literally going bananas.

  The whole trick is to feel good about yourself and life now. Be friendly to them and don't give them any reasons for your departure. Be vague like "I'm just taking a break" and then change the subject. Don't let yourself be lectured to. If they ask personal questions about you and your family, ask a personal question back at them. Realize these people have no authority over you and that it is kind of humorous that they even imagined they ever did.

  What you are doing is breaking down the stereotypes of what they feel happens when people cease involvement with them. You're confusing them and forcing them to think harder. If many of us had sent the DA letters we had intended, we would have given the WT exactly what they were hoping for.

  Path
• 

  TheOldHippie

  I travelled 2,500 miles this weekend to spend a day with my rock & roll band heroes and had one h&%#ll of a day and evening with them. Tonight I'm going horse riding. Breaking down stereotypes can be done no matter what the status, whether it be inside, outside or in-between.
• 

  mamashel

  Thanks everyone. I have read Crisis of Conscience and it did wonders for me when i first left. It really opened my eyes more than anything else.

  My hubbys family may shun us, but we really dont care, because they are so full of crap anyway, and so hypicritcal, its rediculous. One loves to come over and throw in our face how he had all these hours in field service, but his wife calls on the weekend wanting to talk to him because he told her he fell asleep on our couch Friday night, hhhmmm, i never saw him all weekend, wonder where he was????

  That was one of the reasons we left, was becuase the elders were on us to make our meetings better, and to be out in service, but i told them i could not go door to door and be a hypocrite, because if i am cussing at home and acting a fool at home, i couldnt go to the door and smile in someones face and sit in their home conducting a bible study.

  I still dont think i will write the letter though. I really like all the suggestions and responses. Thanks

  SHelley
• 

  jurs

  Dear Mamashel,

  I'm a big supporter of DA letters. I wrote one and am very happy I did. I think they send a loud message to the congregation that someone doesn't believe its the truth. The first time I heard of someone DAing themselves I couldn't believe it! How could someone not believe its the truth. I was quite curious . That being said, I don't sense from you the kind of attitude you'll need for the crap you'll go through once you send that letter. No one could have stopped me from sending my DA letter. Thats how it should be for someone to write it. It had nothing to do with following their rules it had everything to do with announcing as loud as I could to ALL that I could , that the org was a cult and I'm OUT!!! You still have a hubby that believes its the truth even if he doesn't go. This could cause you more problems than just being shunned. You need to really want to do it and be ok with the consequences. Even though I love it when people do, I don't think you should.... Just my thoughts jurs
• 

  jws

  jurs, I don't know what kind of message is being sent by DA'ing. I remember the first time I heard a DA announcement. The thoughts that went through my mind at the time was simply that the person was weak. That they couldn't follow the rigors of being a faithful follower. At the time, I never got the feeling that there might be something they had a legitimate problem with. All I remember them doing was announcing so-and-so had dissassociated themselves. No whys, no reading the person's letter. Just that they had done it. It was far from being a strong message to others. Although for closure, if that's what somebody needs, then it is a help to them and that's a personal choice.

  I've never really understood writing a letter. Once you make it official, you're placed in the same category as a disfellowshipped person. If you haven't got friends or family inside, that's probably not a big deal. I have family inside and I'm glad I never did it. My family is still important to me, though some of them are strong JWs. Though there is sometimes a sense of looking down on me and maybe a little aprehension, there is not outright shunning.

  At times, I thought of writing a DA letter after my parents pass away. But now, I'm not going to bother.

  As has been said, they are seeking closure too. Why give it to them? As for your closure, that might be remedied by groups such as this. To see that others are out there and are willing to befriend you online in this forum. That you can share your past. That you can see that others have put it behind them and you can too.

  Closure is mostly mental. If you can acheive that without the ramifications to family relations, why not? Just fade away and leave it at that. Don't challenge the JWs and let them know what you really think. Just change the subject when it comes up.

  -j.w.s.