Let me preface this by saying that I don't expect anyone here to make my decision for me. I do however note that like the Bible says, in the multitude of counselors there is wisdom, and this is a huge decision, so I wanted to put it out there for discussion. I really appreciate your words of wisdom, as this affects not just me but my wife also, as we find ourselves in the same boat. We're blessed to have opened our eyes at nearly the same time, me first, and her not too far thereafter.
I'll just post some highlights below of our situation for your consideration. I'm certainly willing to answer any questions that you may have.
Reasons FOR DA:
- I honestly can't say that I'm a JW anymore. I don't identify with them and instead of being proud of the label, it brings me some measure of shame due to the lack of love in the organization in favor of rules. Too many people have been and are hurt.
- As I can't claim the name anymore, I'm also not doing the witnessing work. Why would I invite people to come get immersed in something that I can no longer support myself?
- Every time I hear a car door or get a phone call I am worried that it is an elder wanting to talk to me. Granted, that concern is presently unfounded (see AGAINST list below).
- Every time we go to a store we are worried that we're going to run into a brother or sister and have to have awkward conversations and pretend to be something we're not.
- I had no real friends in the organization anyway. I've faded and nobody ever reached out to me. Their love knows no bounds, except for the four walls of the Kingdom Hall, of course.
- My family, and my wife's family, has both shunned us anyway at this point. So we have no real ties anymore to anyone in the organization.
- I have no plans of ever going back and neither does my wife. You can't un-ring a bell. After opening our eyes, we cannot close them again. We can't shrink our perspective back to the narrow minded box that it once was kept within.
- DA'ing would feel like we're truly free. I love Ray Franz's book "In Search Of Christian Freedom". I'm still a believer. I still love Jehovah. I just don't want all of how that goes down to be dictated to me anymore. My wife and I want to be free to exercise our own consciences as respects certain things. I have a DA'ed friend that reached out to me years ago that I want to associate with freely. We want to be free to take a blood transfusion as we do not agree with the doctrine in good conscience. And birthdays, come on, how absurd is the ban on that? We don't want to abandon everything, but we want the freedom to no longer live with our consciences dictated to us.
Reasons AGAINST DA:
- We currently have a successful fade going on. It's been over the course of years, but at least a year now completely free. Only one sister ever reaches out at all. No elders have ever called and nobody cares. We've effectively disappeared. We haven't even gotten a "Return To Jehovah" brochure from anyone. No family, friends, elders, or anyone else.
- I feel that DA'ing puts up a wall, another barrier that prevents family from waking up and reaching out to us. As of now, they could more easily reason that they could talk to us. If we DA they really face a whole other level of difficulty in reaching out. Let it be known though for reasons of transparency that none of them ever reached out to us anyway. Our families were both quite dysfunctional and we were never close. I've always held out hope that someday we could be (eternal optimist) while my wife just gave up hope. We did have some measure of relationships with them, but 99% of the time it was because we initiated the contact.
- Although I don't see us ever going back, I'm not arrogant enough to say that it could never happen. Heck, I never thought I'd be here where I am today. I've made massive changes in my life over the years in many ways, as has my wife. So, just in case I should ever change my mind or the organization should do an about face on many things that I currently can't get with, I don't want that added layer of trouble to go through to ever be reinstated. Why subject myself to that possibility unnecessarily?
- My guess is that when announced at the Hall we'll just "no longer be Jehovah's Witnesses" in a typical announcement that doesn't show that we made this choice. This isn't like they disfellowshipped us, and to me that matters. I want it known that it was our choice entirely to leave. I don't want people to think that we did something morally wrong or to look down on us any more than they will already. Having people shun us currently sucks, but amping that up a level seems like it would suck more.
- Freedom always comes with a price. Being free to do some things and associate freely with some people also puts 8 million or so out of bounds for us aside from our family who has already shunned us.
I'll chime in if I think of anything else. If I had to break it down simply, we want to DA to be free of an organization that hangs over our head in all things. However, we know that comes with a price, some of which we've already paid, but an uncertain price as well.
Thanks for your time and attention. I may not agree with everything here or everyone, but it sure is beautiful that we all get to have the freedom to be who we are.