To DA or not to DA, that is the question?

by dubstepped 29 Replies latest jw experiences

• 

  Syme

  
  

  @dubstepped

  
  

  I think that there's more chance of helping some waking up if you DA, and not by just fading. If you just fade, most will think that there are various personal reasons for you to leave, like guilt, bitterness, something emotional; some could think that it is "doubt", but doubt is something j-dubs are used to; they will assume that you may have "doubts" but are not completely unbelieving. Having "doubts" is not sufficient to make a j-dub wake up.

  
  

  On the other hand, a clean-cut DA will send the message that you have no "doubts", but have rejected the WTS completely. That fact is going to leave a strong impression to anyone who knows you, positive or negative, it doesn't matter. One needs something strong to wake up. Sure, some may harden their fanaticism and see you as a Devil's child at least, but a few (who are already thinking) will think more, and it is almost certain that some (even a very few) will approach you secretly after you DA, violating the society's orders. Those are the people that you will help.

  
  

  Besides, you cannot really help someone wake up when you're on the inside officially; since anything "heretical" you say will very possibly get to the elders, making the forming of a JC almost certain; which will force you to either face a JC or DA in a haste.
  

  
  

  That's all IMHO, of course :-)

  
  
• 

  FayeDunaway

  Dubstepped I wrote what I wrote because when I was reading your post I thought 'did I write this??' You sound so much like me. I have a great, frightening memory too. It makes me be very conscientious of everything I do. I've lived my whole life trying to please everyone and be good. All the time. My mistakes in horrifying detail come to haunt me at night and I lay there saying to myself 'stupid! Stupid! Stupid!!' Lol. I wish I didn't have the memory I do! It would be so much easier to just forget. You said some things in your post that really resonated with me. I know how it feels to worry about what witnesses will see, and how anxious this can make you. The grocery cart thing is something I've learned very slowly, and it's subtle but powerful. To free my mind from the fears and replace that with the joy and confidence of freedom.

  Regarding Syme's comments above, the more time that goes by that you're not an active witness, the less possibility that some issue needs to be 'handled.' Even if someone sees something and tells an elder, if you haven't been an active witness for years, they will probably ignore it. If you were trying to be an active witness that would be different.

  I even go to another church, and I'm sure witnesses have recognized my distinctive car in the parking lot. I have to live my own life. Let them get all upset if they want to, but they have no more control over me than I let them. For me it was a gradual self realization.
• 

  OnTheWayOut

  Your choice is a tough one. DA'ing would be a personal declaration of your rejection of the religion and would mean quite a bit to you. But you've worked carefully to achieve your current status.

  People typically fade and avoid DA just for family. Some try to retain friends also.

  Despite your family shunning you, you make this statement:
  "I feel that DA'ing puts up a wall, another barrier that prevents family from waking up and reaching out to us. As of now, they could more easily reason that they could talk to us. If we DA they really face a whole other level of difficulty in reaching out."

  If it were me, I would stick with my faded status and reach out to family slowly at opportune times like weddings and funerals and any times when non-JW family invites us and JW family to the same gatherings. DA is for life and many situations may come up in the rest of your life- illnesses, births, deaths, joys, tragedies.
• 

  Phizzy

  Good advice above. I was advised by my Therapist to D.A and to move right away from where I live, break all ties, start over.

  I think that was good advice for me, in my mental situation at the time. It would have hastened my recovery from the Cult no end.

  As it was I could not follow the advice for financial reasons. I am now glad I did not, for the reasons that OTWO mentions above. I am in a much better position to help JW's now when the opportunity arises, because I am not DA'd they have mellowed toward me, some are actively trying to be friendly, and hence their guard is down.

  Watch this space !

  Good luck whatever you decide.
• 

  greenhornet

  What Phizzy said was good advice. I faded 25 years ago. If you just fade away they will still be friendly to you . This way you can plant seeds about TTATT.

  But for me it has been 25 years and I moved a few times. So they have no idea of where I am. I did see an elder as I drove by the train station and wow he is really old looking.
• 

  The Rebel

  What a great O.P dubstepped.:-

  " To DA or not to DA, that is the question?

  may I say I think the most profound words ever written were :-

  " To BE or not to Be that is the question? ( but I am not sure who wrote it :-))

  Anyway more importantly what does it mean?

  I would say To "Live"or not to "Live" that is the question?

  Choose to " Live" my friend.......

  The Rebel.
• 

  jhine

  Wasn't it the Beatles ? On no - wait that was Let it Be , another great piece of advice !

  Jan
• 

  Vidiot

  dubstepped- "I feel that DA'ing puts up a wall, another barrier that prevents family from waking up and reaching out to us. As of now, they could more easily reason that they could talk to us. If we DA they really face a whole other level of difficulty in reaching out."

  Valid point.
• 

  Vidiot

  leavingonthenextplane - "Some said that when I left they figured it had to be for a legit reason..."

  Wow. Seriously?
• 

  Truthexplorer

  Hi, if it were me, i wouldnt play by GB rules and DA. I wouldnt give the elders the satisfaction. Just fade and that way you can keep contact with family and friends.