The People and the Dream (page 2)

LyinEyes

I have dreams where I am at a convention and I see all the people that I have known since I was a little girl. I miss some of them. It hurts me to think that I no longer love God. They think the worst of me . And I am sure my dad, is adding to that , since he is probably relieved he doesnt have to face me at those things anymore.

I swear I wanted that paradise earth so much. I wanted to live forever here, and see my mom resurrected. I had it all invisoned too. She would come around the corner of the wood where the cemetary is. It is a cemetary right by our families homestead,,many generations are buried there of only our family, and they all live right around it. Anyway, I pictured me knowing that she would be resurrected that day and waiting at the grave,,,,, just the only place to meet up i guess. And around the corner she comes riding on her white Arabian horse she loved so much. She is young as she was when she died, but smiling and her red hair is flowing and she waves for me to come to her. I am there with my hub and 3 children who are all in shock at seeing her, they never saw her alive. And I turn to them, and they say go , go to her......... I run like I havent ran before. I see myself jumping on the horse with her and I hold her tight. SHe is laughing and crying too, and we ride off fast, as we slow down, she says I love you. Then we get off the horse and walk back and catch up on my life since she left. By that time, we are close to the 3 grandchildren she never knew but wanted so much. Well I could go on and on with this story, in my mind.BUt i used to go to sleep to this peaceful dream.

It hurt so bad to think , maybe I wont see her again, maybe there is no God, maybe there is nothing after we die. Damn!!!

But as time goes by after leaving JW , I have opened my mind to the possibilites of anything.

Maybe there will be a paradise on earth, not JW paradise but something like it. Maybe she is already in heaven and has seen each of my children born and watched from above the goings on of my life. Maybe she has heard my cries of missing her.

I still want to beleive that families will never be seperated. I don't care if it is in heaven or on earth anymore, as long as something. I hate to think this is all there is. Part of me does sometimes and then part of me has hope that there is more. I just don't know. I have alot of soul searching to do myself and alot of study....... it might never tell me the answer , but I guess I will know in the end, or not....lol.

I guess, I will live for my mom, now , since she can't , and have a happy life now. Who knows what is out there for us. I will concentrate on the ones who love me and are in my life now....... my many friends who I have meet here too. All in all, I feel blessed to be alive and to have had the life I do, even thou alot was taken from me, the rewards far surpass the pains.

cruzanheart

Dear, dear Dede, don't give up on seeing your mother again. In what scenario, I don't know, but there is SOMETHING - I'm sure of it. Humanity does indeed have eternity in their hearts (or whatever that scripture said) and I believe there is something on the other side. I am not, however, ready to find out what it is just yet. In the meantime, my goals have changed drastically since I left JW. Now I want to appreciate every minute of every day. I want to watch my kids grow up. I want to savor every experience, good or bad, knowing that this moment will never come again. I don't want to wish my life away and excuse everything by saying, oh, well, this will all be fixed in the paradise. I want to fix what I can now. I want to enjoy things now. And I have a greater sense of peace about living that way. Life feels fuller somehow. Wherever your mother is, Dede, I'm sure she has found peace. And I send you a hundred hugs through this e-mail, as I know all of your friends do! And lots of hugs for joelbear and everyone else on this thread. We all feel the same way to some extent.

Lots of love,

Nina

BluesBrother

I miss the dream of the future as well. Everyone had a personal dream of what the New World would be like . I could see myself working with Heavy Horses , the weather was always sunny and everbody got along fine.

I miss the hope of seeing my mother resurrected .I miss the hope of never growing old .I miss the confidence that whatever bad thing happened in the world ,it would all be put right ,no more starving people,no more wars no more injustice .................

I miss the "brothers" , to be honest I miss the status that I had as an elder, and preparing and giving talks .

But it is no good living in a dream. It is not going to come true - is it?

There is no Paradise Earth around the corner. We were duped into believing falshoods . and it is better to know that we had the courage to face the reality than it is to go on in cloud cuckooland

I may miss the association , but I know deep down that I would rather here , talking through my computer to you, and speaking frankly and honestly - than mouthing rehearsed phrases at the Tuesday group study

MrMoe

Joel -

Sometimes sweetie, life isn't all magic and fairy dust. Jsut because we want to believe in something does not make it so. I can understand those you miss, and I could go on about how if they were your REAL friends... but I won't, I will elave it at that.

Joel sweetie, the reality of it all is that THIS is life. THIS is reality. We all grow old, we get sick, we die. Perhaps there is a phase after this life, I would like to think so anyways. But, perhaps there isn't.

Main thing darling is this: You are here. You are now. Dwelling in the past, mourning, feeling a little black is OK, it makes the good things in life so much more precious.

If I was nearby, I would take you out for coffee, a walk in the park, a local art museum, a quiet canoe ride on the river, an evening bonfire, and all that other fun stuff. But, of course, I can't. But the fact that I can't show you first hand life is worth living does not mean you cannot discover that on your own.

Joy and peace stare us in the face, and sadly enough, it is in moment of despair that we are too blind to see it. The cloud you are under will pass, if you want it to.

Love,

Amanda

A Paduan

Why dream joelbear - pinch yourself - this is for real - you're in the Adventure - with knocks, bruises, excitement, triumphs and spills, friends and foe - strike, what do you want - to sit on your ass and eat vegies forever ?

Edited by - a paduan on 21 November 2002 19:1:50

breeze

You got a bunch of gay friends don't you?

All rainbow stuff, and stick together, one for all, all for one...??

MrMoe

Breeze - Leave comments such as those elsewhere.

kelpie

I miss them all too...

They tell me it does get easier...I live for that day

And for those with the immature comments.. Grow up!!!

czarofmischief

I too have had the pain of losing the dream. I share that agony with many.

But I think they fed us that dream, hooking onto something that we have built into us, and using it to stroke their own egos. Oh well. Better people have wasted better lives for worse causes than ours.

The Tower's version of future history will happen immediately after the porcine aviators wing their way out of the frozen depths of Hell, so to speak

They'd better not go flying, since I'll be grilling 'em!

CZAR [of the "BBQ anyone?" class]

ChrisVance

MrMoe, Thank-you!

I also miss some of my former friends from before my departure from JWism. I believe some JW's are really good people that have been misled. I don't really miss my mother because she was always ashamed of me because from a very young age it was apparent that I was gay. My brohter and I were never close so I don't miss him either, but I sure miss my daughter. I married at the age of 20 at the advice of the elders. They said marriage would "cure" me. We all know what their advice is worth. I left my X and jw's when my daughter was 19, ten years ago. I know it's hard on her too, but I don't know what to do about it.

As far as paradise is concerned I guess I never really believed it. I had problems understanding some of Christianity's basic beliefs such as the ransom sacrifice, so I never really believed any of it. How sad it that since I stayed until I was 42? I have a large extended family that are all JW's and I gave in to the pressure to conform.

On the bright side, I'm graduating from college next month and starting graduate school in January. I was always angry that I had let the jw's keep me from going to college, so I a couple of years ago I decided to do something about it. Better late than never.

The People and the Dream

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