DazedN,
Here is what I meant: (1) She is being protected from the consequences of her behavior so she can't learn; (2) You seem to be trying expecting to bring about change while rewarding the allegedly undesired behaviors; (3) IMO, you (albeit inadvertently) are sending her a message that you consider her too weak to accept responsibility and consequences.
I got the "science project" comment from a co-worker who, when he separated from his first wife, told her, "I'm not your science project."
I can't remember who it was who spoke about "tough love," but that poster's comments pretty much sum up what I think, along with kelpie's comments.
I am thankful to people who did not allow me to wallow in self-pity and did not support the weakest part of my character.
Regards,
SandraC