Upset

by Vivamus 30 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  herself

  I don't see how you can be letting your biological Grandmother down by going to her party. How is that letting her down? Because you have to leave at some point? This isn't the grandmother who sat up nights with you when you had bronchitis is it? This is one that has not been in your life for some time and wants to welcome you. But the bond is weak at best right now, and they'll be wise to not get grasping with you.

  Did he say you are insenitive? Or did he say you are being insensitive? there's a difference. One is labeling who you are, the other is suggesting that you could handle it better. One is a better way of speech than the other. But either way, I don't think you are being insensitive to be there for her B Day and then to leave and go be with your friend.

  Controlling people are very difficult and often wind up alone, wondering what the heck happened. If these are controlling people, then you are in line for some difficult times. Keep the reins in on your own life, conduct yourself like a lady at all times when with them, be classy in your manner with them, and do what you need to do, when you need to do it. Don't allow anyone to manipulate you.

  Try to enjoy them on whatever terms work for you, and remember that you have had a life apart from them too. You'll be okay.

  H.S.
• 

  Hmmm

  Viv,

  For you to abandon your friend during a tough time to spend extra time with a woman you hardly know and others you dont know at all could be considered selfish and insensitive to your friend... of course you can't tell your father that. You're doing the right thing, showing up for a family function but also setting aside time to be there for a friend. Maybe your father really wants you to develop a relationship with his mother and is obsessing a bit. If you've already explained that you're trying to make both him and your friend happy on that day, then you've probably done all you can right now. He'll probably come around eventually.

  Hang in there,

  Hmmm
• 

  Shutterbug

  A side of the family asks you to attend a birthday party, which you did for a "few hours." That begs the question, "how long do birthday last in your area"? Apparently your Dad wants you to be at his disposal at anytime and as long as he wishes. Doing this for someone you know very little about is asking a bit much. I suspect there will always be a problem when you attend any function where your Dad is present
• 

  Iwasyoungonce

  V. Maybe I just have become jaded. But. when I hear stories like your that just "ring the bell" with my own experinces<sigh>. I was told that no son who has any respect for his elders would ever say anything bad about what the/his elders believe. I am a bigot for not being willing to go to a/nother bible study because I am scared of the truth. When family died they sent the one and only jw that I truly love and do actually respect to my front door under the false pretenses of "work." I look at them as people who were under me while we were rockclimbing. They could not or would not grab the rock. I had two choices. Keep trying and hoping that they will get a grip. Or, cut them loose and save myself. I chose to cut the rope. Sometimes it's all you can do. It is not about hate. It is about survival.

  The Jehovah Witnesses are masters at playing on "others" emotions. I think it was mulan who talked about teaching some mormons a thing or two about grabing attention during prostalatzing. One step away from agitiation.

  V. Remember that christian morality is an easy thing to prey on. I do not understand why we do not instill a clear sense of the difference between love, lust, and desire in this culture. They have so much more to do with spirituality than with sexuality.

  "If" I were with you when your Dad said those things to you I would have called him a coward to his face. No parent who loves their child would make that child feel like dirt.
• 

  SpannerintheWorks

  Viv,

  My dad found out about this, and is angry and disappointed. I tried to explain my sense of unease with the family, and he called me selfish and insensitive

  So have I got this right? Your dad called you " selfish and insensitive " because of your expressed unease with the family, not because you were

  going to spend some time with a friend?

  If that is the case, then there must be a fundamental reason why you feel uneasy about the family, and why your dad feels this is unjustified.

  And if so, maybe we could help if you feel you could divulge such (possibly) sensitive information.

  Spanner
• 

  Iwasyoungonce

  P.S. Viv.

  I don't know if your dad is or is not a JW. Either way he is still wrong and owes you a major "I'm sorry."
• 

  xenawarrior

  Viv:

  You didn't do anything wrong and if your dad is upset, frankly it's HIS problem, not yours. I know, easier said than absorbed. Unfortunately, at least for the time being, you may still be operating from guilt triggers having most probably grown up meeting the expectations of others.

  It is not at all unreasonable for you to want to ease into this relationship with folks you don't know. They are strangers to you at this point and you find things about them unsettling and that makes you uncomfortable. That may not be the case as time goes on and you get to know them better but that is the whole point. As time goes on. This isn't a race and noone should be expecting to make up for so many years at a birthday party. That kind of environment alone is chaotic.

  IMHO, your father is expecting too much from you with this and using guilt to try to make it the way he wants it. It may be out of a geniuine desire on his part to have things all wrapped up in a nice neat "family" bow very quickly and guilting may be a way he has learned over the years to make things happen the way he wants them to. He may be just as frightened to lose the relationship with you as you are of losing him and he may be knee-jerk reacting out of that fear.

  You may want to express to him that a relationship with him is very important to you and that you need some time to ease into things and take some baby steps with it and that you need his help to accomplish that. You may also want to make it clear that you need to do this in a way that is comfortable for you and that the manner in which he went about this was hurtful to you. All of that may open some lines of communication and alleviate some fears for both of you, while at the same time establishing some much needed boundaries for you with this situation. There is no template for re-establishing relationships with estranged family, but there should always be a caring for the feelings of others.

  ((((((((((Viv))))))))))))))

  Hang in there!!!!!!

  XW
• 

  Vivamus

  Thanx for all the replies. I was quite upset after that conversation with my dad; I had not expected it at all.

  My dad is not a JW; he is strongly opposing JW even. When I was in the borg, he denied my existence and showed me the door on more than one occasion. I am letting the past be the past and am willing to forget all that in order to have a good relation with him. But, never having any kind of good relation with my dad, also means I do not know his family.

  Anyway, my dad called me insensitive about his mums feelings. I tried to explain why I feel uncomfortable, and midway through he interrupted me, said I only was thinking about myself and not about her. I have seen her maybe twice in my whole life. And my dad keeps saying she now sees me as the prodigal granddaughter, it sickens me. All I am thinking to myself is "where were you, you had a phone, a car, you never send me any word, and now you expect the world from me. However, I did not voice this to my dad.

  *sigh* I'll take the general advise you've given me tho. And do what I think is right. I will not disappoint my friend, she is counting on this, and in all honesty she means more to me, than an 80 year old woman I have seen twice in my life. Plus, I never intended NOT going to my grandma's party.... *shakes head at how difficult people can be*
• 

  RandomTask

  I have to just echo a lot of whats been already said, but I wanted to support you in this Viv. Its true, we try to make everyone happy, but sometimes due to circumstances its impossible. I know you to have one of the sweetest personalities and I know you to be very considerate as well. Your father I'm sure has his reasons for reacting the way he has, but you can only do so much, and you have to be there for your friend as well. You will have plenty of opportunities to more with your Father's side of the family and it is not as if you are not going to your Grandma's at all.

  Your father might not lighen up, but you have to know inside that you are a good person and that you are doing the right thing.
• 

  Iwasyoungonce

  Once you say things you can not take them back. Words hurt like daggers. I wish that people could think before they speak. I sometimes wonder if we started thinking before we spoke if relationships would have less scars.

  Also it is often the cold hearts on the outside that make the borg seem inviting. Some controling attention is better than no attention. Even if you know that it is wrong. At least you are worthy of being controled.

  Viv. I am still sorry for your Dad. Even if he never says it some men (as I am one) are to stupid to say they are sorry. I think it is a genetic flaw.