Upset

by Vivamus 30 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  jgnat

  The world is full of people carrying baggage and pain. You tried to express your own pain to him (which he is not ready to accept). Your dad projected his own pain (badly) on you. I think he wants you to carry all his guilt plus yours. Both my parents have said things that have hurt me deeply. Like every child, I just want my mommy and daddy to love me.

  My mom has a chronic mental illness which means, once in a while, she will say very nasty things. It is not her fault, it is part of her disease. I have this cute mental trick that immediately tucks such words in to a "never to be remembered" box. I stay away until her meds get sorted out, then I start up with the relationship again.

  My dad is a tougher nut to crack. He has very high standards, is a man of integrity, and I respect him deeply. I hate disappointing him. Sometimes, I chose NOT to tell him about my latest plans or ambitions, because invariably he will "encourage" me to go harder, faster, better. Sometimes, I need to dawdle and coast.

  If I were you, I would not open up myself emotionally to a dad like yours. It appears he is not prepared to deal with it, and you will just be wounded from his thoughtless words. Treat him like a new acquaintance, and take it slow. If he says something dumb, be like a duck and let it roll off you (I know, easier said than done).

  P.S. It is OK to cry over the dumb things our parents say, sometimes.

  Edited by - jgnat on 4 December 2002 14:52:54
• 

  bluesapphire

  Viv, your dad sounds like he comes from a very dysfunctional family. He obviously wants to control you. I would tell him straight out that you love him but that you want to know if his verbal abuse is part of the package because if it is, you will discontinue what you thought could have been a good relationship. I would also tell him that your self esteem is healthy enough that you recognize when someone is being abusive and controlling and that he's the one who is going to have to be careful not to come across that way again. As for your gran, I somehow have a feeling she is also a mental abuser and controller. After all, how did your dad find out that you would only make it for 2 hours???? I can just see the scene, "Son, she can only come for 2 hours. boo hooo." "Well, that damned selfish bitch! I'm going to set her straight....." "Oh thank you son. I means so much to me. booo hoooo......"
• 

  Crazy151drinker

  Viv=*drool*

  Dont worry babe. If he is going to act like an ass so be it. Its going to hurt him in the long run. So, just come to Cali and well go have some fun
• 

  somebody

  ((((((Viv)))))))

  Amongst all the great advice you got here, I'd like to add that it is not you who is being selfish in any way. Seeing as how your dad was totaly out of line in what he said and in inturrupting you when you tried to explain your feelings, then you can always write him a letter stating what you did here. he can't interrupt you that way and he'll have time to read how you feel and to reflect on it. and PLEASE include how he has made you feel with his harsh words. This way he has to hear you.

  You're a wonderful caring person. It's your dad who is being selfish and "acting like an ass" as Crazy151Drinker said, not you!

  peace,

  somebody
• 

  LovesDubs

  Might I suggest you talk to grandmum and tell her your feelings? She will probably be MUCH more understanding that dad...perhaps then she will tell dad to BACK OFF. Your life until he appeared isnt going to go away just because he snaps his fingers. Probably grandmum will be delighted you can come at all, and will bless your visitng your friend to be with her in her time of need. I think she would feel bad if you DIDNT help your friend you know? She might be new to you...but I think she will appreciate your reaching out to her you know? :)
• 

  orangefatcat

  Viv several friends have said interesting things here today, I to agree, with the emotional blackmail, and I also feel that your father is a "bitter" man. For a lack of better words.

  It is sad when parents try to manipulate their children be they young or adult. Some parents seem to derive some sort of sick pleasure making their childrens lives miserable, don't ask me why, I am not sure why but doctors say it may have had something to do with their upbringing.

  My mom is a very bitter women and she always tried to use emotional blackmail on us kids and still does as adults, but thank God I don't have to listen to her any more. I love her, just like you love your father, but parent can't always get it. They can't figure out that they say things that hurts their children. You can tell them a thousand times but they will never get it. Sometimes its like talking to a brick wall.

  They will alway believe that they are the ones in the right and that you are in the wrong. The only way a parent can be convinced is to have that parent go into counseling and then maybe someday through a miracle they will come to realize that they are or were controlling and manipulating as a parent and are or were bitter. That was the generation last and the generations of past. Because that is how they were raised. Their parents may have been that way. Sure parents loved their kids but didn't know how to show them love. Its too complex..

  Pity though, really lets hope this generation of parents don't cause this upon our children. Or our children their children. The cycle must stop somewhere.

  Grandma maybe trying to be kind to you,so give her a chance. G o for the few hours as planed for her Birthday and leave as planned and stick to your schedule no matter what pops says . So he will be miffed but you are an adult and you can do as you please and don't let him make you feel bad in front of the rest of the family. Just say pops we talked about this earlier and I have to go now. And do just that. Good Luck Viv and I know you can do it......

  Love Orangefatcat...
• 

  breeze

  You have it seems been away from your family for a while?? Birthdays....they are not in the TRUUUTHHH?

  I see that maybe thru this comment that you feel very distant from them.

  Well, with a dad, comes a family, that I dont know. In all honesty I really dont care about them one way or the other.

  When you are in real trouble your family will be there for you, so my advice is, don't be too judgemental of them. They are weak stupid humans just like to the rest of us?

  Name calling never helps though and will not solve anything?!! You may be a bit insensitive but in time your family will be more important to you? As you grow older you will see your family differently, and have needs that may not surface until later?
• 

  SPAZnik

  ((((Viv))))
  
  You don't sound like an "emotional screwup" to me.
  (although i understand how it can feel that way at times, hence my name SPAZ)
  
  You sound quite healthy and balanced actually.
  Seems you have tried to make a balanced decision here
  that includes looking out for everyone involved,
  including yourself.
  
  If your dad expects you to respect his point of view,
  he really should demonstrate more respect for your point of view.
  Instead, he seems to be acting just as insensitive as he claims you are.
  
  Maybe you can help stop that disfunctional cycle, by implementing some communication and conflict resolution skills.
  
  First, look at your own expectations.
  Try not to look to your father for peace of mind & heart
  if this is leading to that emotional instability feeling.
  Instead, look inside yourself, making the best decisions you can.
  Stand up for yourself, try to be reasonable and loving in your communication.
  
  If you make mistakes, try not to beat yourself up about it too much,
  from the sounds of it, there are enough others more than willing to
  do that for ya.
  
  I'm really glad you are trying to stick up for yourself and not just
  giving in to the demands of others. Loving yourself is a really healthy trait. (so i'm learning)
  
  My only other comment/suggestion would be perhaps to let your father feel heard and understood for his viewpoint (even if you don't entirely agree with him, it sometimes helps to let the other person know that you acknowledge their argument). This can take some patience, letting him speak first. Then tell him you have heard his viewpoint and you understand that this is important to him. Reiterate it back to him even....for example "Dad, are you saying this: .............." or "What I'm hearing is this: You would really like me to be there for the entire party.") Let him clarify if anything is not properly understood by you. Like maybe ask him why it is so important to him that you be there for the entire thing. Ask if and or why he feels it is unreasonable for you to want to include other friends in your plans for that day. Then, when he really feels you have heard him, perhaps he will let you explain your side. Tell him you have done your best to make a balanced decision and include everyone in on your day. Let him know he matters to you a lot and that is why you are going at all.

  Viv, You seem pretty "heads up", you'll be okay.
  It sounds like you are handling a lot of changes right now. Good luck with all this, I hope u have some fun on Sunday. Feel good about having made the best decision you can and for caring enough about each party involved, including yourself. It's balanced and healthy....now for some practise at communicating these things. I hope he respects your efforts to try and communicate.

  Sounds like both you and your dad are passionate people.
  
  SPAZ
• 

  Vivamus

  You all are really making me feel a whole lot better. A lot of sound advice and a logical voice was all I needed.

  Especially you Crazy, that *drool* always puts a big smile on my face

  Breeze, no, when said I don't know them, I meant that quite literary. I have seen my grandma maybe twice in my whole life.

  (((Hugz))) & Kisses
• 

  meadow77

  Viv-I haven't had the chance to get to know you reeel well, but from all your posts, you seem to be super sweet. I'm sorry to hear you are having such a rough time. Sometimes, I guess you just have to be you, and let the chips fall where they may. families can be real hard to deal with like that, even non Jw ones. But hang in there, after all, that which does not kill us, makes us stronger.