Suicidal fear of rejection.

by seven006 47 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  seven006

  Laura,
  Thank you. I am doing better all the time. Writing that long post helped me a lot. Thinking it is one thing, writing it out so others can comment makes it a lot more real. I guess it took screwing up something with someone I care about so much to make me quit acting like an ass and accept my problem. I'm going to beat this damn thing, I think this is a good start.

  Sheri,

  You are such a sweetheart as well as being a very brave person. I have watched you battel a few demons yourself over the past year. Sometimes it just sucks being us. Slowly we figure out what's wrong and we try to change it. Fear of rejection has been my biggest psychological problem and for the first time in my life I can admit it and start to deal with it. Maybe someday we can all wear a T shirt that says "normal" across the chest. That should make everyone who sees it wonder what in the hell it means.

  Prettygrudger,
  Growing up the way we did we all learned to turn love off. We would have loved to be like other kids. We would have loved to have a few birthday and Christmas presents. We would have loved to have a teenage boy friend or girlfriend and invite them over for dinner to meet our parents. But, we had to learn to turn love off. After a life time of that it is all we knew how to do when it came to something we could not have. I am trying to do this with this lady. I just can't and neither do I want to. It is our way of protecting ourselves from ourselves and the things we do not understand. Unfortunately it backfires sometimes on the ones who taught us how to do it. I cannot say I love my mom anymore. She taught me how to do that. The JW's taught her. What a great fricken religion.

  Mum,
  Haunting beauty? That picture is about seven years old, I am all gray now and have a beard. The haunting part is still true but there aint no mo beauty when I look in the mirror. I don't know if I have done anything more than to teach a few people things they already knew. That is what I am trying to do for myself right now. I knew I still had a few more things to work out before I tried to get involved with anyone again but a small window opened up with this lady and I jumped into it. If you knew her you would understand. She is one of the most loving people I have ever known and at the same time she could take Farkel and make him sit on it and spin. I simply tried too hard and lost. I appreciate your concern but I am doing much better now. A few days ago I got into a starring contest with a wall and I won. I am a survivor. Life goes on.

  Becky,
  Thanks for your comments. Yes, she is very special to me. Right now I feel like I have some kind of communicable disease and if I breath on her she will get it and die. I need to get my shit together before I try to talk to her again. She has seen too much back and forth with me and it is even driving me nuts. At least I know a lot better why I have been the way I have been. Admitting I am a fricken little baby when it comes to rejection is a big step for me. Too bad I wasn't born an alcoholic, at least I could have some coffee and doughnuts in a meeting of major huggers while I worked this all out.

  Thanks guys, this is helping.

  Dave

  I will reply to the new posts as soon as I can
• 

  MrMoe

  Dave - said it before will say it again. You don't type words on this board, you speak them. Perhaps this is because much of what you express I feel myself.

  And Dave, I think you are very beautiful. Not surface either. Not sure what to say, or how to express it, just know what you said touched me.

  Edited by - MrMoe on 4 December 2002 18:41:17
• 

  think41self

  ((((Dave))))

  You've given so much support to people here, it is only fitting that you receive some yourself.

  I can relate to so much of what you so beautifully stated. You have such a gift with words. I would bet if you just printed that out and gave it to her, it might go a long way to at least salvaging your friendship.

  I don't have any magic cures for you. I think it's a frigging miracle that some of us are as sane and stable as we are. I am one of those wierd people who was just born with a good disposition...so even when someone rejects me, and it hurts like hell....I end up thinking they're the ones who are losing out. And I really believe it, deep down inside. I guess I have a healthy self esteem. I just think I am as good as anyone else out there...and I think the same is true for each and every one of us. What makes someone else any better than me? Nothing. I am perfectly me...just as you are perfectly you.

  I hope that putting your thoughts down to see...getting it out and touching it and feeling it...will remove some of the mystery and help you to really overcome it once and for all. Stop repressing all that shit man....it'll kill you! I sincerely believe that I owe my mental health and happiness today to finally finding a relationship where I am totally accepted for who I am, and I could finally let all my walls down. It takes an incredible amount of energy to keep those walls up. Energy you could be spending on other things. Take some more risks...it couldn't get any worse, right? All fears boil down to fear of the unknown...so face it and then it's no longer unknown and scary. It's just one more thing that a tough guy like you can handle any day!!!

  Tracy

  My email is open buddy
• 

  josephus

  hi bro

  i feel you in this post. ive tried suicide once i couldnt cut myself. life and relationships are fucked up and i hope you get through.

  id pray for you, but i dont anymore.

  you have my thoughts anyway sir, and sell your gun your dummy!! :)

  only kidding.

  josephus
• 

  flower

  (((((((((((9((((((dave)))))))))))))))))))))))

  I can definately relate and understand. Thinking of you.

  flower
• 

  seven006

  Outoftheorg,

  Thanks, I knew if I posted this there would be a few people as screwed up as I am respond to it. Unfortunately we seem to be the only ones that can admit that to each other. Those who have not experienced the psychological mindfuck we have all had to try and clear out of our heads simply cannot understand. All they can see is we are screwed up. I have told many to simply "get over it." The whole time I was doing that I was building it up like a volcano ready to blow. I do not blame the JW's for all my problems but this one they are definitely the cause of. The law will not allow children to work until they are 15 years of age but a god dammed religion can have kids selling their damn books door to door getting them slammed in their faces and completely get away with it. The time spent doing it was nothing. The time spent getting over it has lasted my whole life.

  Don't feel bad man, I have shed a few tears over the losses that I have had from this a few times myself. This time I am going to fucking fight it until I have it beat! Thanks!

  Lost,
  You are very special to me. I have not been myself the past few days and that is why I have not responded to your last few e-mails. I think you could tell I was not myself. I am sorry for that. Sometimes I just park my brain up my ass and I don't know who in the hell is typing my e-mails. We are friends. We will stay that way. I don't tell you about how I really feel because I am a big tough son of a bitch who isn't supposed to. Yes, I love her. I love her very much, but as the song says "sometimes love just aint enough". Give me a few days and I will e-mail you back. Have fun Friday at the exJW get together. Because of my ex-wife wiping my whole entire bank account out I will not be out drinking and having fun for a while. You know me, I don't let other people buy me drinks no matter what so just tell everyone I said hi. Big hug woman.

  Dentheman,
  You do not need to give me any advice, just knowing you can relate is better than an hour with a shrink. I have not been unsuccessful with the opposite sex as far as what most consider successful. But for what you and I consider successful I have a 100% failure rate with. That is why I took so long this time before I tried again. I wasn't going to try at all again and I was completely at ease with that decision. Then she came back into my life. Anyone else but her would have been blown away because I know how much of a fuck up I am. I just had to give it a try. I fucked it up. I may be completely messed up but at least I am consistent about it. That is about the only secure thing I have in my life. It beats the hell out of stock market.

  Dede,
  You haven't said one thing that pisses me off. The only one who can piss me off lately is me. Loving myself, well..... I thought I did but I now realize I still have a lot to learn about that. You say we will never get over the abuse we suffered as kids. I hope you are wrong but I will never argue that point. After my mom and dad split we got a JW baby-sitter who beat the hell out of me everyday for over a year. I was only five years old but I took it and looked her right in the eye when she was done without shedding one single tear just to let her know she can't hurt me. The only time I fought her back is when she tried to burn my little sister in the bath tub. I went after her with death in my eyes and fire in my gut. I took her beatings for a year and that hasn't affected me nearly to the extent this fear of rejection has. Her beatings only made me stronger and made me not take as much shit in my life. The fear of rejection has made me a fucking wimp. I would take a beating everyday for a year again just to make this problem of fear of rejection I have go away. I work every day to not try and be angry and hate. Hate I have under control. It is love I would like to figure out. We were taught how to hate, we were not taught how to love.

  Amanda,
  Thank you for saying I am not beautiful on the surface, I needed that. I'm just messing with you. You are very special to me. I remember when you first came to this board. You were such a mess. You have grown tremendously and you are going to make it. You slip back once in a while but you are like me, you are a survivor. I knew you were going to make it after reading some of your first posts. Don't let the little bit of bullshit that happened a few mounts ago get you down. I didn't respond to any of it but I read it all. You brought yourself through it. You needed to do that on your own. I told you a long time ago that someday you will be one of the people who help the new ones who come here. I still believe that. I can see it and I always have. Thank you sweetheart, someday we will meet and I will give you the biggest hug you have ever had in your life. That's a promise.

  Tracy my love,
  Some people see what I write as a gift with words, others see it as an over abundance of bullshit. I tend to agree with those who see it as bullshit. This thread is a selfish one. It is to help me get my shit together a little better. You should know that, you know me. I took a shot and screwed it up, maybe that is all I know how to do. You and your evil sister would have loved this lady, she put me in my place more than once. You know I love that,.....well...at least I act like I do. As long as you have known me I have been alone. You must realize that this lady must be one hell of a great person to dig me out of my shell. Too bad I didn't talk about her much on this board. You could have won some money on how long it would last. If it ever happens again, I'm putting a hundred bucks on two months. Do you want some of that action? Quit telling me to get in touch with my feelings. What in the hell do you think I am anyway? Normal? Give me a fricken break. My walls are up woman, I know that because that is what I have been telling her about herself. Sometimes I can be such a fucking idiot. Go figure. Big hug little sister. Someday we will meet in person and I WILL grab your breast!

  Josephus,
  My gun is a 357 magnum. It is in my underwear drawer. It makes my Jockey briefs feel macho. One of these days I might actually buy some bullets for it.

  Dave

  Edited by - seven006 on 4 December 2002 20:2:36

  Edited by - seven006 on 4 December 2002 20:4:43
• 

  WildHorses

  Dave, would you do me a great big favor? Please, get rid of that gun! Until you know what all of here know.(that you are a wonderful man, "worth loving" and returning the love given to you. I don't want you to have that gun in the house. It's to much temptation. I have grown so fond of you, and if I ever heard that you used that gun on yourself. I just don't believe I could handle it.

  Please get rid of it. I'm begging you.
• 

  seven006

  Sheri,
  Read what I wrote in my first post. I'm screwed up but I'm not crazy. Iv had my gun ever since I was a cop 25 years ago. It keeps my underwear company. I haven't shot it in over 15 years. I would never shoot anyone especially myself. I may think about it from time to time but I would never do it, I love my kids too much for that. Have you ever seen someone with their head blown off? I have, its too big of a mess to clean up.

  I am fine now. This thread is what this board is all about. Some of the idiots who feel it is a place to tell everyone they are never going to be told what to do again and want to shove their insecurities down everyone's throats think it is there own personal playground to bitch and whine, but they are wrong. This place is to let all of us figure out why we go on with life after all we have known has been rejected and thrown away. I am tougher than this thread makes me look. I lost a love, it has happened before and it will probably happen again.

  Thank you sweetheart. If I ever do decide to kill myself I certainly wouldn't broadcast it on this board. It's illegal and I would hate to get thrown in jail after I did it. You just know all those perverts would end up taking advantage of me when I'm not looking. Without a head, looking would be impossible. I'm not that kind of guy.

  Big hug little sister and thank you.

  Dave
• 

  WildHorses

  That's a relief. I just hate guns. I'm scared of them actually. Not that I think I would hurt myself, but afraid my kids would get hold of it and accidents do happen.

  I still wish you would talk to that lady friend of yours and tell her how you feel. If you love her, don't let her go. True love doesn't happen every day. ((((((((((((((((((((((((Dave))))))))))))))))))))
• 

  Mum

  Dave,

  Let me tell you about a guy I knew once. I worked at a hospital for physical rehabilitation. We had a patient who actually did shoot himself in the head, but he lived. He had left hemiplegia, but was amazingly healthy and whole otherwise. That's why I would never shoot myself: I know I'd just bungle it and be the old lady that everybody whispered about.

  Take care,

  SandraC