Scaredbutresolved, I hope you don't mind that I jumped into the middle of your forum. What you were talking about struck a cord. I thank everyone for their support and suggestions.
At this point I am going to take it slow and be carefull how I approach things. My issues are not with people. Most of the people in the organization are trying to be Christians, they are just overwhelmed by rules and a devotion to an organization that does not tolerate questions or personal expression.
I am slowly letting my wife in on my doubts. She has thought I was only upset with organizational proceedures and people. The other day she asked me if I had a problem with any of the doctrine and I told her, yes. Slowly and calmly I mentioned the 144,000 which number I believe is figurative like everything around it in Revelation 7 & 14. Then I mentioned the Blood issue which hardly makes sense anymore and suggested that it is a dietary law. Our bodies do not eat or digest transfused blood and it is not the same as being fed intraveniously. I also briefly mentioned all the failed prophesy which impacted both our lives, making the last 25 years an economic struggle because of us not getting any training or additional schooling.
What brought this on is that I have been seeing a therapist for the last several months. The major issues have been depression and anxiety along with a feeling of worthlessness. I have been taking antidepressants for a few years but was not making progress with these issues. I also had no concern if I lived or died. I am not suicidal or a cowering idiot. I function and have a good marriage and hold a job in management. I just had no joy but instead a feeling of worthlessness.
Part of the therapy is working thru these issues so one can at least minimize their impact on one's life. After several sessions I have made progress but I sensed the Therapist was a litttle dissapointed with my slow improvement especially with the issue of feeling I am a failure. Whenever the therapy got overwhelming I was told to go to my 'safe place' in my mind, a place from the past where I felt loved and safe and happy. Interestingly my 'safe place' is in my grandparents living room as a child surrounded by family and cousins and the Christmas tree in the corner. I mentioned to my wife that this was before we became Witnesses and our relationship with our family became strained. Interestingly I couldn't think of a safe place since then. I think it's a combination of the facts that ever since I have been in the truth my thoughts have been ruled by feelings of impending doom and that I never have been good enough.
Finally towards the end of the session as she was trying to draw me out I just said that I feel these issues go back from being raised in a high-control religion that always made me feel inadequate. I couldn't believe I said that. She said she sensed there was something I was not talking about. I apologized over and over again telling her that I have spent my whole life trying to present the Organization in a good light to others and I feel like a traitor speaking negativly about it to a non-member.
She assured me she is not there to judge me or the Witnesses, just to help me work thru it. I later mentioned to my wife how different this is compared to if I approached the Elders with these same issues. They would try to help and if I didn't respond like they wanted, we know what the end result would be.
I will keep you posted. Thank you for your concern and please pray for me. Right now I can't do it myself.
F
