Thank you for your replies!

by scaredyetresolved 23 Replies latest jw friends

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  scaredyetresolved

  I told my husband last week that I didn't plan on going to chats or forums. We've been trying very hard to stay on neutral ground. We began by just researching all the history of JWs and turning to the publications published by the Society, to either back the history we were reading, or to dispel it. So far we have not found one quote in all the information we've come across that is not correct to the letter. Several of the sites we have read are Watchtower Observer (which I cant access for the past couple dayswonder why?), Beyond Jehovahs Witnesses, and Watchman. We have devoured the information presented and have realized how in the dark weve been all our lives.

  Today I woke feeling a need to reach out to others that are going through, or have been through, what we are experiencing. It is the scariest thing we've ever faced in our entire lives, yet we feel the need to do this!

  I have so much I could share with all of you...I just dont know where to begin. Im also afraid that if I share too much info with you, I could be traced by someone watching this site and something could happen to me or my family! Isnt that pathetic?! So I guess for now I will try to keep all my info pretty un-specific, yet specific enough for you to understand our story...

  Hubby and I have both been raised in the truth. We both have several generations of witnesses on both sides. Almost everyone in our very large family are in the truth and especially everyone we know and are close toparents, brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparentsyou get the picture. Weve never made friends outside our faith. We have been raising our children the same way. They are from preschool age to teenage (large family here!), and they do not attend public school (which none of us here want to dowe love our home-schooling!). Most of the Brothers in our family serve as P.O.s, elders, servants, pioneers, and some of the Sisters serve as Pioneers.

  I guess what is the most difficult thing is knowing that if we take a stand, we will most likely be cut off from everyone we know. We are living in a new state and dont know many here yet. We dont have a lot of close ties with anyone really and that is good. (Just wish we'd known what we know now when we first moved here...we wouldn't have started at the new congregation!) We definitely won't be making any other moves because we love our new home.

  What hurts so much and is so scary is we KNOW that we will be making a well-informed stand based on truthful, factual information. If it were any other religion that had done the things weve learned is in "our" history, we as JWs would be really raking them over the coals for it, saying how glad we are not to be a part of such things, and how dumb the people involved are for not getting out. But our family members wont see it that way.

  We still aren't sure what we are going to do. It would be very, very difficult to just fade considering our circumstances. There are too many Theocratic conversations and we also dont want any family members to continue to discuss spiritual matters with our children. I guess we want a policy of, You dont try to bend us your way, we wont try to bend you ours. My hubby said the other night something that shocked me since he is the one that has fought against my doubts for many years and he is the one to have been raised in an even more strict JW household than myself. He said he doesnt see how we can do this without disassociating ourselves. He also said he does not ever, ever want to go through being disfellowshipped. I was physically sick the rest of the night! And I'M the one that has always wanted to leave!

  I want to know, if we make a stand that we do not want to continue to attend meetings, go in service, etc. and we begin to observe secular holidays, etcwould we be disfellowshipped or would we be left alone to do our own thing as long as we keep ourselves completely separate from the congregation??? Hubby says that we would be dfd and that is why he wants to disassociate. He also wants to give it a few months before we do anything final.

  Goodness, Im rambling! I'm so sorry. It just feels good to get this all out and know someone will be reading it...that it's not some big secret I can't share with SOMEONE! haha Thank you again for your posts and emails. I would really like to try to reply to each of you individually via email or post. I will try hard to do so, but remember I have a large family here that needs my constant attention 24/7 it seems!

  BTW, One of the things I cant wait to share with my husband this evening is JTs story. Thank you so much for sharing that with me.

  Love and Hugs

  P.S. I am in the U.S.
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  scaredyetresolved

  I put numerous things in quotes, but the quotation marks don't appear. How can I solve this for future posts? Thanks!
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  Angharad

  If you go back in with the edit button - highlight the text you want in quotes and click on the quote bubble in the taskbar

  BTW: Welcome to the board
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  LB

  Your husband may be correct in that they may not want you to just fade away. Yet many people here have done exactly that. If at all possible it's probably best to play your "spiritually weak" card and just fade from the meetings.

  What I did was I DAed myself but my wife did not. This allows us to keep communications open with my son yet allows us to have Christmas lights, easter eggs or whatever, as my wife is forced to be in subjection to her worldly husband. We are just using their own rules against them on this one.

  Good luck to you and yes, there are lurkers that will snitch on you. So until you are ready to "come out" just be as vague as necessary.
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  larc

  Many years ago, my wife and I were married in the Kingdom Hall. We had doubts at the time and slowly faded away. We faced the same problems you do. Most of our families were JWs. We decided not to formally DA ourselves, but to just fade away. This bought us time to still be able to see family members. I think that if you DA yourself, it will have the same result as if you were disfellowshipped. It will force the issue and may prompt your family to shunn you. That is why I think fading a way is the best way to handle the situation. What ever you decide, I wish you the best.
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  freedom96

  Welcome to the site, and best wishes to you and your family during this difficult time. Hopefully being on the board here will help you and your husband through.
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  cruzanheart

  I agree. A slow fade is the best, if you can do it. I know with everything you have learned you want to trumpet it to the heavens, but your family will NOT hear it well right now. Just gradually fade away and hopefully keep a relationship with them. If they are in a different state that's good because they won't just be in your face in case the elders in your new congregation start hassling you.

  All of us wish you the very best. And, believe me, you won't hear anything on this forum that you haven't already thought (well, maybe a few things!).

  Lots of love,

  Nina
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  metatron

  How to do the slow fade:

  1) Tell them you suffer from depression

  2) slowly cut back on meetings, field service

  3) RESIST THE URGE TO TALK ABOUT IT TO ELDERS OR YOUR WITNESS RELATIVES!
  Keep your mouth - and intentions - shut! If asked, just repeat that you are
  depressed and say nothing. Or say "I don't feel like talking about it" and put
  your hand to your head as if it aches.

  4) moving/going to a different hall helps in disappearing - especially if you
  have some schedule conflict where you have to attend different meetings at
  different halls ("I thought they were attending your hall....")

  5) put in an hour a month field service slip - this may prevent suspicion
  and any possible disassociation the Society may have planned for the future
  inactive ones.

  6) Find other stuff to do - you never had time for! Enjoy!

  7) Send gifts and non holiday cards to your Witness relatives soon after the
  holidays - to keep ties going.

  metatron
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  borgfree

  Hi scaredyetresolved,

  Welcome. This morning, before leaving for work, I read your other thread. I didn't post on that thread, because I didn't know what to say, and I know you will get many replies that will give you good advice. I do want to say a couple of things though, just so you will know you are not alone in what you are going through.

  To start, I was born into a JW family, my father was a "company servant" what is now called presiding overseer. I believed the teachings of the organization for 54 years. Like you, almost all of my family are JWs. One sister has been a pioneer for about 40-50 years. My youngest daughter has been a pioneer for about 20 years. My family has in it, bethelites, elders, ms's, etc. I lost them all.

  I thought, if I stay in the org. and pretend I believe it, that will encourage my family to continue to believe it. If I leave, I will lose them, but, maybe by my stand, they will think more seriously about the reasons, and someday think hard about their faith in the Watchtower Society.

  About a year and a half ago, my son, my youngest child, left the organization, I cannot put into words, just how wonderful that felt. I am encouraged by others in my family at times, when they seem to be thinking for themselves. (just once in a while) but I will continue to pray for their escape from the WT.

  When I left the organization, I thought I would just give up "religion" as I could never be a part of "Babylon The Great"

  I knew I still believed in God, but, not that He was directing the Watchtower. Very fortunately, for me, I met some really wonderful ex-jw Christians, one of them in particular is on this forum, (mouthy) with the help of those great people I learned a lot and can say I have never in my life been happier. And, especially I now am very happy in my relationship with my Lord and Savior.

  I am not trying to preach to you here, but if you do still believe in God, and decide to continue in that direction, you are going to find more help than you ever imagined, and, I know much happiness awaits you.

  I will end with that (finally) All the best to you and your family.

  Borgfree
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  orangefatcat

  Scaredyetresolved welcome, I guess you can take a deep sigh of relieve now that you have got that off your chest as they say. I can well imagine your shakiness right now as you plan your next move. I am glad you came here to talk to us. It reminds me of myself, although I was 12 yrs old when my family became JWs but my fathers family were JWs and my mothers father was a witness. However they my parents didn't want anyhing to do with the JWs. When our family finally did became witnesses it was a home of great strictness, my father moved quickly in the ranks. Long before the elder arrangement he was part of the original judical arrangement. And then an elder. Our home was you plays by the rules or leave. Our family consists of 33 JWs, leaving two non JWs and now it is three because I left the org. I came from third generation witnesses. I was petrified when I made the move to leave. Between 1975 and 1984 I had had three nervous breakdown and was under the care of specialist in Montreal at the Montreal Allan's Memorial Institute. I was scared.

  I literally had pain in and around my chest and heart. At times I though I was going to have a heart attack. I anguished over my descision. I had been a pioneer who had gone to Quebec when the Society asked for help in the service there. I always considered myself a strong witness and believed the org. with all my heart. But in the the ninties I began to see things that made my question the org. and the things that went on at the congregation level.

  But I would still trudge along hoping things would change. My marriage was terrible and it had broke down years ago. I prayed incesently to Jehovah and spoke with the elders but never got help. I would sit in the bath tub day after day crying to Jehovah pleading with him to please show me what to do.

  I was at my breaking point in 1999. Through a friend of mine whom I met at a resturant four years earlier he helped me get my life on track. I spoke with my doctor and a social worker, They made arrangements for me to stay in a shelter for abused women that was on December 24 1999 and you know what I haven't look back and haven't regretted what descisions I have made. Eventually my friend and I became involved sexually and of course this lead up to my being disfellowshipped two week later. on January 15 2000 it didn't take the elders too long to wipe me out. I would not attend the committee meeting. I declined in respect at all times. I guess that doesn't count.

  I can tell you this it is better if you disassociate yourself before they disfellowship you, but you must remember that the rules are the same for the congregation they can't talk to you or fellowship with you. And it is announced for the platform. So one is as the other. If they see Christmas decorations outside your home they can disfellowship you for apostacy.

  They will do anything these days to get rid of you.

  Please as you decide your futures I hope that you don't ever think of going back as you see the lies the Society has told to its congregations. Don't allow yourselves to feel guilty or fearful. Be strong. And remember its your lives not the rest of your family. Losing them will be difficult at first, but it will pass trust me. You'll make new friends here and any time you need to talk to me or any one you can email us mine is in my profile.

  All the very best to you and your husband and family. And I want to wish all of You a VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS.......

  LOVE ORANGEFATCAT.