Scaredyetresolved,
Give yourself some time to digest all that you have learned. I wouldn't make any rash decisions while you're under emotional distress. I believe in the slow fade. If you disassociate yourselves you'll be cut off just as the same as if you were disfellowshipped. This has also been a hellish year for me since I discovered that I gave 25 years of my life to deceitful liars. I too thought I could return and just pretend to believe, but I just can't do it. I need to be true to myself. I'm sure you've heard the saying "say it aint so Joe." Well, that's what has happened to us, except you can say "say it aint so WT."
We were hooked into this religion with the promise of eternal life in paradise conditions with no suffering, pain or death. Who wouldn't be attracted to that. Slowly but surely, however, we were indoctrinated to accept whatever the WT disgorged from their mouths. Would any one of us have ever told a bible study about all the requirements about being a witness at the first study. You can't celebrate birthdays, Christmas, Easter, etc. You can't have a beard. (everyone knows that beards are just eeeeeevil) You must avoid reading too much "worldly" literature. The wt and Awake should be our prime reading materials. You must have limited association with "worldy" family, workmates, schoolmates. (Uh, WT, who's left then?)
Without belaboring the point, it was all about control. The WT exercised mind control, information control, and when someone dares have an independent thought they are summarily expelled from their clutches. (actually that's a good thing except for the part about ones family never speaking to you again) We have all been betrayed. We trusted that these people were telling us the truth, so we blindly followed them. Now our trust has been shattered. The good part is that there is nothing evil about independent thinking. What is evil is when men in authority tell us that we can't exercise our God given right to use our own minds to choose what direction we are going to take in life. It is evil to punish a person when he refuses to be subject to mind control any longer. The WT are spiritual terrorists. They threaten anyone that leaves their fold with annihilation from God. They paint God as an evil dictator bent on revenge on the slightest wrong. They have implanted fear, anxiety and worry in the minds of those that leave with the lie that now they are cut off from God.
They leave out information which we have the right to know which would have led us to make the decision not to become a JW. We were duped. This religion, which champions freedom of religion and seeks it by the courts, denies freedoms to those rank and file JW's in their midst. Simply disagreeing with one doctrine is enough to get oneself disfellowshipped and labeled apostate. Forever marked as someone that has gone to the devil. How ironic. What hypocrites.
We here have experienced what you are going through. You will suffer emotional turmoil for a while, but in time it fades. You will at times vacillate. You will feel that you're over all the JW issues, that you have left the religion forever. Then, at times, you will miss what you had at one time. It's tough to say goodbye to something we have given our whole lives to. Never forget all that you have learned about the true history of the WT. It can't be denied, even though we don't want to believe it. Would you give your loyalty and love to anyone that consistenly lied to you, betrayed you, and trampled on you if you didn't cowtow to their every whim? That, in a nutshell, is our beloved Watchtower henchmen. Please let us know how you are doing from time to time. We are all here to offer our help and support.
Mr. Shakita
