Thank you for your replies!

by scaredyetresolved 23 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  no1uno

  Dear ScaredButResolved,

  Best wishes on your escape! I broke the chains around my life 25 years ago, and it was the best decision I ever made (though painful at the time).

  Things may have changed in the past 25 years, but back then decorating an xmas tree would have led to at least a public reproof, if not more. It would certainly raise red flags in the eyes of the elders. If you really want to fade out, I would recommend thinking twice about making a show of celebrating xmas this year.

  I know that the taste of freedom is intoxicating, and it sounds like you have a strong desire to celebrate xmas. But I think this would be perceived as thumbing your nose at the society. Most of us would love to do just that, but I think it would derail your plan to fade out.

  Welcome to the free world!
• 

  NewLight2

  Hi, and welcome to the forum.

  There are several things that you and your family can begin to do that will allow you to establish new friendships outside of the KH. If your kids like sports, there are lots of city parks that offer team sports. Enroll your kids in some of these. If questions come up at the KH just explain that since you home school your kids, you thought that it was a good idea and very educational. END of story. Sure they will begin to view you both as "spiritually weak", but that is ok because that is the beginning of Phase One in doing the slow fade process.

  Go as a family to ALL practises and games. Some of these events are bound to conflict with KH meeting nights. That also gives you a good excuse to answer nosey elders questions about why you are not at meetings any more. "Oh, I'm so sorry to have missed a 'few' meetings, but you see, my son was at hockey practice/game those nights and we have chosen to do this as a FAMILY event. We'll try harder to be more regular at meetings in the future." That said just continue to miss even more meetings.

  After awhile maybe you or your husband could also coach some of these teams. There are endless possibilities here of meeting new friends outside the KH all the while doing the slow fade.

  If sports aren't the answer, then there are always recreational classes in the arts and hobbies field that are offered through many city park programs.

  Both you and your husband could get involved with a hobby club - dolls, crafts, cars, snowmobile, cross-country skiing, skating/roller-blading, and the list is endless. That is also a way to meet new friends and to "become too 'busy' to make it to meetings".

  Hope some of this helps.

  NewLight2
• 

  ugg

  hi and welcome.....vent all you need to....my advice is go very very slow....fade quietly....and do not speak to the elders or others of your desire....words with them can destroy you....
• 

  SheilaM

  We did the slow fade also, we have not been disfellowshippe (that we know of LOL) and have a tree which is really pretty in our window as I write this! We decorate the house also. If your husband is not wanting to be disfellowshipped that may change my hubby was just aghast at the thought now he doesn't care. My resentment is that once he found out how he had been dupped since a child he now no longer things God cares that he exists but is watching football or something This breaks my heart and really puts a strain on our marriage, see I loved him for his SPIRITUAL love that he had, he wouldn't hardly kiss me before we married. But they destroyed that with emotional abuse and neglect. That I will never forgive them for. But we are soooooo much happier now we argued after EVERY meeting for years it got so old but it was both of us not wanting to be there and not knowing what to do. Now we drive by and breathe a sigh of relief <free at last...thank god almighty..were free at last>
• 

  happyout

  Hi, and welcome to the boards. I'm relatively new myself, and I really enjoy the discussions here. One of the things you wrote that stood out to me was "we've been trying very hard to stay on neutral ground". I totally understand, that is kind of what I did when I started my slow fade. However, I did my fade a long time ago, back in the late 80's, and it was possible then. Given all that I've heard and read recently, it is no longer as easy to fade out. I think if people were allowed to stay on neutral ground ( in other words, have their own opinion), so many would not feel the need to leave. There were some really good suggestions on leaving, the depression thing, mixing up the congregations you go to, and most importantly, DON'T TALK TO THE ELDERS! I would add to that you should be VERY cautious in talking to family. If they are not ready to hear it, you will be labeled apostate, which is as bad if not worse than being DF'd. I am not sure I understand why your husband prefers DA to DF, as I believe they have the same effect. Maybe because one you choose to do, the other is done to you? Anyway, best of luck to you, and you'll find plenty of support here.
• 

  Marcos

  Hi scaredyetresolved.

  I won't add much to what has already been said. Most of the posters here say it so much better than I can.

  I do understand your position. Just remember that you will never "lose" your family. They will always be your family. Some will probably shun you when you take a stand. Remember, however, that you will be setting an example for them and when they have their crisis of faith, they will remember you and your husband (and hopefully) your children and will come back to you. Families fight. Perhaps this has never been so in your family (smile). But your blood-ties will eventually win out.

  If you stay, you are giving tacit approval to the false teachings of the WT and this could be the more harmful course.

  Just realize that the WT has NO AUTHORITY over you that you do not allow it to have. Leave! But do it on your own terms and in your own time. Don't rush. As you may have discovered, they are not God's representative. He deals with us as individuals, not an organization. The WT even teaches this. To paraphrase, "If you do everything correctly and follow Gods laws (read: their laws), MAYBE you MIGHT be preserved in the day of His wrath."

  It is not an organization that saves you. It is Jesus.

  Not trying to be preachy either. Read other's experiences and educate yourself. Pray. God will hear you. You will experience pain and betrayal. But you will be richly rewarded for obeying God, not man.

  We, also, are here for you. Talk to us, ask us for advice and our experiences. We all love to talk! Also, be discriminating. Not all advice is good advice. Sift through it and accept what you can. Your experience is (and will be) unique.

  I don't know you all but I do also love you (agape). Slow down, take a breath, and do what you must in your own time.

  Marcos
• 

  JT

  Im also afraid that if I share too much info with you, I could be traced by someone watching this site and something could happen to me or my family! Isnt that pathetic?!

  yes it is very Pathetic , here you are a grown woman, married and given birth to kids and are afraid of being caught by folks who are called your bro and sister for finding out that all we have been told as JW is not correct-

  If you tried telling some nonjw the above they would not believe it , for it makes absolutely no sense to be running in fear, but you are not talking to NONJW and for that reason we FULLY UNDERSTAND AND WILL TELL YOU

  WHAT YOU FEEL IS NORMAL

  the fear that you have each and every single of one of us had to some degree or another perhaps

  so we understand COMPLETELY and in time you will lose some of the fear and will find that what you considered important in wt today , tomarrow you will not

  keep in mind this one fact:

  "THE SAME AS IT TOOK TIME FOR A PERSON TO BECOME A JW , IT WILL TAKE TIME FOR A PERSON TO LEAVE"

  Leaving is a Process and the way you leave will determine how hard it is many times to heal and move forward - here is a link you may want to consider

  http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/forum/thread.aspx?id=5574&site=3

  HOW TO LEAVE WT INTACT

  One of the most painful things I continue to see here on this forum as well as all the others is that many who want to leave wt simply don't know how to leave and remain "Intact" as it were.

  I recall talking with jw who "Formally Disassociated themselves back in the 70s and it was not till the 90s and the net did they finally feel free

  or many who jump UP and write a letter off to Mo Larry and Curly (CONGREGATION SERVICE COMMITTEE)

  While I feel there is absolutely nothing wrong with writing a letter for many it is a matter of

  1. Poor timing and
  2. not being prepared for what will follow

  When I read of folks who wrote letters feeling bad or feeling that must meet with the elders to me that means they were not ready AT THAT TIME.

  The net is really the answer for all lurkers and those who are thinking about leaving why not Learn how to leave WT at least somewhat Intact

  Before writing a letter be sure to get the Pros and Cons of writing a letter- for me personally I wouldnt waste the paper or stamp- but I fully understand for those who do there is no right or wrong should I send one or not

  But more of a

  1. When should I do this and
  2. How-

  I highly recommend throwing it out here in the forum for suggestions- the reason why is simple

  The avg. jw has so little understanding of the WT Corporate Procedures when it comes to how they deal with folks

  Being Former Society Man the rules and policies swallow up the avg. person

  I recall seeing persons who are leaving spend weeks Xeroxing 40=50 pages of copies of wt history to Let the bro. know why

  They dont give a RATS A$$ and once a person comes to understand that then they know how to proceed

  Much like explaining Gravity to a 6 month old baby it means absolutely nothing-

  Also understanding that the avg. Joe blow elder is as much a victim as we were

  What I have seen here on the net is how some of the most condemning folks ( she got low hours cant be too spiritual)

  ( she can pioneer her hubby make s enough money) etc myself INCLUDED once we learn the truth about the truth

  we feel so bad about how we treated others when we were in the Org-

  I look back at some of the judicial cases that we handled and being a Society Man I went by the BOOK

  VERY LITTLE feeling for the Individual person GOT TO KEEP THE ORG CLEAN-

  SO FOR me know I only hope that all the folks I dealt with in an unloving way can forgive me for it was done out of ignorance and being blinded.

  So for any who want to get out--------- please and I beg of you feel free to ask here on the forum what things you need to consider so when you decided to make your move you can LEAVE INTACT

  JAMES

  "I'd rather have questions I can't answer than questions I can't ask (or answers I can't question)."
• 

  JT

  We are living in a new state and dont know many here yet

  YOU ARE HALF WAY THERE YOU HAVE A NEW START

  you all will be just fine- moving is often one of the most important thing a person can do when leaving wt IF THIER CIRCUMSTANCES ALLOW and you have done it

  YOU ALL WILL BE FINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  :)
• 

  wednesday

  I am in a similar situation, but with not as many relatives. i agree the slow fade is best, but since u are in the "thick of it" (with all the elders, pioneers in family) that may be difficult. And it may be hard to resit the temptation to tell them what u know. I really like LB suggestion, if u must, then let your husband DA himself and tu stay techniaclly in. That way as he said-u can still see family and also have the benefits of not being a jw. DA is just the same as DF-they will treat u just the same.DA is just a legal thing the org uses to avoid legal problems.

  With your husband DA, u can become "weak", and slowly stop. Give the family time to adjust. there is just no easy way out, when all your famliy is in "truth". Since u are new to the area, get out and meet some new friends.

  this is difficult, holding a good thought for u. Also, Lb is right, there are peopel who would turn u in if they knew u were on the apostate sites. be careful about this, but try not to live in a state of paranoia.
• 

  JT

  BTW, One of the things I cant wait to share with my husband this evening is JTs story. Thank you so much for sharing that with me.

  WELL thanks, but wait till you read the BIO of some of the posters here, they will blow your mind, but there is ONE COMMON thread that we all share:

  WE DARED TO LOOK BEHIND THE CURTAIN- despite being toldBY THE ORGANIZATION OVER AND OVER AND OVER:

  "PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE MAN BEHIND THE CURTAIN"

  Well we looked anyway and found out there ain't no going back to Kansas