I'm so very depressed...

by Nickey 28 Replies latest watchtower medical

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  Nickey

  Lately, I've been really depressed at missing out on my life. From being pulled out of school in the 3rd grade to keep me away from the "worldly" kids. I was basically isolated. Kept away from everyone and everything. Zero friends... as in NONE, for the rest of my childhood and my whole teen years. The only thing I can remember about my teen years was sitting in my room singing quietly so no one could hear me. Or preparing to go to the KH. That was the only thing I did. I hear people talk about their high school days, and it cuts deep. I felt I deserved to have a HS diploma because I didn't want to settle for less. From the times I was in school up to the 3rd grade, I worked hard and was one of the top students.

  My biggest regret is really starting to bother me. I know in my heart that I was born to sing. It's all I do. It's what I tried to strive for since I was a child. And I knew I'd probably go somewhere in it because it was my passion. And it still is. But being a JW, it was discouraged. Wanting to sing was worldly. Some people would tell me to go after my dream. But... as always, it was a "No. It's worldly." I was a kid who had goals. Do good in school and take singing and dance lessons to further myself in what I loved to do. But it seems it was all taken away.

  I just feel I missed out. Like I lost my chance on what I was born to do.

  Now that I'm 22, I feel that it's too late for me to go after that and I have to settle for less once again. No college education. Had no other choice but to get a GED. And even still I get judged for that, knowing that I wanted to go to High School and graduate with good grades. But I didn't have a choice.

  It just ruins peoples lives... especially the children.
• 

  whyhideit

  Nickey,

  I read your post and I saw of list of goals and dreams you have to reach for. 22 is very young and I know many people who have started over completely in life at 50 or even 60. Look at it this way, you have more years ahead then you have behind. Don't waste them, now is the time to make your dreams a reality and ENJOY LIFE!
• 

  Big Tex

  NIckey

  Grieving over what you never had is part of recovery. As painful as it is, it's needed and actually a good sign. It's something you've had bottled up inside for years, and it's coming out now because you feel safe to let it out. Sadness and grief turned inward leads to depression, which can be devastating. I believe deep rooted feelings like what you express are poisons and hurt the body in tangible ways. I know it hurts.

  Now one thing to do is turn a negative into a positive. Realize you're only 22. I changed careers when I was 33. It can be done. You say music is a passion, so what about enrolling in a community college (it's cheaper than a 4 year college) and taking some classes in music. That could put you in touch with people who could direct and channel your talent to other areas. At the very least it would put you in touch with creative people and I think that would help you right now. College would also help stimulate your mind and get you focused on ways to improve yourself.

  Just a thought.
• 

  xenawarrior

  (((((((((((((Nickey)))))))))))))))

  You have accomplished alot. One very big thing you've done is to remove the controlling factor in your life. Major accomplishment.

  Now the rest is up to you. Anything from here on out is YOUR choice. You choose what kind of influence any of this is going to have on the rest of your life. You can choose to regret or you can choose to reach for the dreams and goals you have.

  Nothing is stopping you any longer. Noone can make any decisions about your life from here on out except you. Choose what you will. Sounds like you want to choose happiness and fulfillment. Do so.

  Yes, it's sad that so many folks' childhoods where in effect, stolen from them. Please don't let the regret of that steal any more of your life from you. You are young and you can do anything you set your mind to do and add your passion to.

  Go for it !!!

  SING !!!

  XW
• 

  Mackin

  Hey Nickey,

  I too was raised in the "truth" and sometimes have the same feelings of hopelessness at the wasted years as you.

  A big difference though, is that it took me 'till I was almost 40 to get out! You are only in your 20's, you've wasted a lot less of your life than I did. Don't waste one minute more!

  If your dream is to sing, then

  sing goddammit , SING! It's never too late to start living your life and fulfilling your dreams.

  Mackin (of the "wish I could sing" class).
• 

  StinkyPantz

  Nickey-

  Trust me, you are still young enough to follow your dreams. I started college a few years ago when I was 21 and I'm SO happy I did that! I've always wanted to be in Law Enforcement and this was majorly looked down upon by all JWs. But I started taking my basics anyway and when I got df'd last year, I started taking courses that would prep me for a job that I really want. In six months I'm moving to Orlando to further my dream. I'm going to be taking courses in Forensic Science and I eventually want to work for the FBI.

  Now that you're out of the cult you have NOTHING to hold you back but yourself. Please, please do what'll make you happy NOW while you still can!
• 

  siegswife

  SING!!! SING!!! SING!!!

  22? Man oh man...I'm like...alot older than that and I still have hopes and dreams.

  I wish I was 22....SING!!!!!
• 

  Introspection

  Do you realize that you are just on the other side of the judgement now, but judgement is still involved? Granted, there is a LOT more to do on the other side of the JW fence, but that basic mind set is the same, you're just on the other side of it.

  Now don't get me wrong, I'm all for pursuing your calling and such, and I also recognize what might have been accomplished in the time that I was in. (I'm 30 now btw) But the funny thing is, if you just write it off as a waste, it will be a waste. On the other hand, if you get into even the details of those years and get something from it, then it wasn't a waste. Again, it is from a certain perspective of judgement, that being what a typically good life should be, that it would be considered a waste. But one thing I've found is that experience contributed to being what I'd call a true human being. I may not have accomplished a whole lot or have a nice career, but I know how to be and treat people now in a way that you really connect. Big Tex mentioned turning a negative into a positive - but I say that's not even a change from a bad past into a good future, it's just how you process what you already have. There's no telling where we'd be if we were never JWs, MAYBE we'd be doing what we wanted to do, but maybe we wouldn't have the same drive as we do now that we appreciate what we've been missing. Whatever has happend in your life, it got you here. And if you now know what you want to do with your life, that's more than what a lot of people can say.
• 

  rebel

  Nickey,

  22 is the ideal age to start thinking about your career and what you want to do with your life. I have worked as a career counsellor and many people I saw in their 30s, 40s, 50s and 60s were in careers that they desperately wanted to get out of. The reason is that, when they were in their late teens/early 20s, they HAD to decide what career path to choose, what college subjects to focus on, what degree to take etc. They were under pressure from thier parents, schools colleges etc. Many, many people do not know what they want to do at that age - it is forced on them by society. That is why you see so many people changing careers later in life. By the time a person reaches their late 20s/early 30s, they have so much more experience and are more inclined to do what they WANT to do, not what is expected of them.

  You are in a fantastic position - you are young and you actually know what you want. Go for it and never look back.

  xxR
• 

  Robdar

  I know in my heart that I was born to sing. It's all I do. It's what I tried to strive for since I was a child. And I knew I'd probably go somewhere in it because it was my passion. And it still is. But being a JW, it was discouraged. Wanting to sing was worldly. Some people would tell me to go after my dream. But... as always, it was a "No. It's worldly."

  You are 22 now. Time to stop blaming your parents and your background. If your passion is singing, do it. Settle for nothing less. I wanted to act when I was a child. But I couldn't because it was worldly. I had to wait until I was in my 30's to do it. But I did it.

  It has been my experience that if you have a talent and you do not allow yourself to express it, you will be depressed. It will eat you up, my friend. Your talent and passion was meant to be shared with the world. So, go sing! You will not only be happier yourself, you will bring others joy also.

  I just feel I missed out. Like I lost my chance on what I was born to do.

  Sorry, you will get no sympathy from me on this. You were raised no differently than I was. Get over it and get out there. If you want to dance, take dancing lessons, if you want to sing go to auditions. Only you are holding you back.

  Robyn