Ever have an affair???????????????? (page 4)

jurs

thanks for the replys. My husband and I talked when he got home from work. I told him I'm unhappy and would like to lead seperate lives until we can get divorced. It wasn't very emotional and he said "whatever" . I wouldn't feel a bit of guilt and I really don't understand the loss of self respect. I think I'd respect myself more for no longer being a doormat whose been treated like shit.

My husband and I bought a summer home in the mountains. Its a cabin and not too nice but its got electricity , water everything I'd need and I could move up there. Its close to a ski area and small towns where I could find a job. Its a real cool place and its beautiful. After we divide up our money I could build a small house. I'm sitting here thinking about how I can move on with my life.

jurs

Billygoat

Jurs,

My husband and I talked when he got home from work. I told him I'm unhappy and would like to lead seperate lives until we can get divorced.

Leading separate lives and having an affair are two TOTALLY different things. Is it the separation you want or the affair?

It wasn't very emotional and he said "whatever". I wouldn't feel a bit of guilt and I really don't understand the loss of self respect. I think I'd respect myself more for no longer being a doormat whose been treated like shit.

I'm so sorry his reaction was so emotionless. That's worse than if he'd flown off the handle I think. It's the exact same reaction I got from my ex-husband when I said I wanted a divorce. (This was before he knew of the affair.) It hurt so bad that he didn't even care enough to miss me. But he did later. I think you're right...I do believe you'll respect yourself for not being a doormat anymore. But I think you'll respect yourself more by not having the affair. (imo)

My husband and I bought a summer home in the mountains. Its a cabin and not too nice but its got electricity , water everything I'd need and I could move up there. Its close to a ski area and small towns where I could find a job. Its a real cool place and its beautiful. After we divide up our money I could build a small house. I'm sitting here thinking about how I can move on with my life.

Your summer home sounds like a perfect place to take a break away from each other. Moving out on my own was the biggest hurdle for me during my separation. I'd not lived totally on my own in years. It was scary! But I managed and succeeded in being financially independent. I know you can do it too! Keep in mind if you have an affair, he could very easily get the courts to side in his favor regarding your assets. You may end up with nothing like I did.

But...

I wouldn't feel a bit of guilt and I really don't understand the loss of self respect.

I didn't think I'd feel guilty either. At the time I really didn't. I was too wrapped up in the great sex of a new lover. It wasn't until later that it hit me. And when it hit, it hit hard. I hit bottom.

Don't take me wrong. I don't want to be bossy or judgemental. I guess I sounded like that because I'm little emotional about this topic. I've done what you're contemplating. And it was a HUGE regret to me. What I didn't keep in mind is things don't always turn out like I think they will. I'd just hate to see you go through the exact same heartache I did. Just keep my experience in mind, okay?

Hugs,

Andi

onacruse

BG:

I don't want to be bossy or judgemental. I guess I sounded like that because I'm little emotional about this topic.

Well, fwiw, you didn't sound judgemental at all. Sharing you own feelings, based on your own experience, can hardly be called judgemental

Six:

lol. Wise guy.

Back at ya.

Craig

rocketman

Jurs, I'm sorry to hear that your marriage is so unfulfilling. You are getting lots of good advice here.

Being a married guy for over 20 years, there's not much I can offer in the way of additional advice.

LyinEyes

Billygoat your honesty and sincerity always make me admire you even more.

Jurs.......... I watch a lot of movies,,,,, and I know this sounds corney and all, but getting away to that moutain cabin ALL BY YOURSELF , might be just what your soul needs right now. I am sure the idea of the affair and all is still on your mind, but you sound like you need to give some time for YOURSELF, first , just take some time to go it alone, while you get settled in a new place , town, job and meet new people. You just might find that you have alot of things in the marriage , things that when you leave will be your past , that you need to work thru.

Maybe when you are ready you will be lucky and find a new man to share your life with , one who loves you and wants to really be part of your life, in every way.

Lady Lee

Andi You are right on with your comments.

This isn't an easy thing to admit. We live in a society that looks down on people who have affairs while still married. And puts you even further down if you are a woman who has an affair. As much as we might want to be liberated and free to do as we choose there are still social mores that we live by. I thought I had a good reason to have sex with someone other than my husband. I needed out of the marriage and just leaving him did not get the message that separation meant no sexual visits. I would not be free until the JWs told him he was free.

It has been 20 years since I did my one-time act. It can and still does affect me. The fact that I rarely talk about it with others shows there is still a degree of shame around that one decision.

As Andi said the effect on my self-respect was huge - knowing I was doing something that I made a vow not to do. No matter how I try to rationalize that decision it will always come back to me knowing it was a bad decision. And I know enough to know I would never ever do that to my new husband. Like Andi I told him early on in the relationship and he stayed. But I often wonder if he thinks about it. That old saying "once a cheater, always a cheater" comes to mind. And even if I know I wouldn't make that choice again, do others?

and as I and others said before the lying was insane - even the lies I told myself to justify it at the time and to cover it up after. The stress it caused made all my other problems pale in comparison. It added even more problems than I started with.

Nope not worth it alt all

unclebruce

wow what a thread - francois, billygoat, lady lee - awesome!

I've never had an affair and doubt i ever would (so i can't say much - i'm under qualified)

I feel like saying "go for it" jurs, but maybe you oughta disolve the unhappy relationship you're in and be free to mate with whoever you like.

cheers, unclebruce

freedom96

No, but I have been cheated on.

I could not, would not do anything like that. I can't imagine hurting my wife by cheating on her. I got a good one this time, and I am keeping her.

Max Divergent

Wow! Thank you to people who've been so open in this thread.

I can't speak from expereience, but from what I sense from your post I'd think that if you want to go with this person and you're in a position to accept any consequences that may come from it cheefully and at no deep personal cost, then that's your choice. If don't or you're not, then you'd be a fool ... probably. You might do better to fix the current problems one way or another before opening yourself up to more.

Personally, I've never wanted to enough and have never been ready or willing to accept the consequences (even though we've been apart for many months for work) and feel a sense of responsibility to my wonderful wife to not cause her to suffer the consequences too... but that's my happy circumstance, not yours

The lady who cut my hair today is half a well known swinging couple, works for some - totally screws up other peoples lives... I doubt there's a single answer... But don't forget that he might have the clap...

Mmmm... . if your husband really dosn't care, maybe telling him the stories of your exploits might liven up your home life too? Even if you make it up to start with... You might end up with a permenent smile... or divorced... or both...

teejay

A very informative thread. Sorry (?), but I’ve never had an affair so what I said on the topic would only be theory. That being said, I’ll say two things:

1. Life is short. Very short. We’re not here long so you’re better off taking advantage of every chance you get to be happy.

2. I don’t believe that lifelong monogamy with a single person is natural. If there are no children, it becomes a no-brainer to ask why one would stay in a marriage that makes your personal happiness impossible?

I hope you find happiness, Jurs. Keep us posted.

Ever have an affair????????????????

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