heartbroken and not sure what to do...

by Khaleesi 34 Replies latest social relationships

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  Khaleesi

  I don't know what to do.... I married last year and things have been very rocky. We dated for 4 years and did have normal issues but always had a lingering doubt something was just not right in our relationship-behavior to be more specific, he is not a JW, but I am. Yes i know i married outside the "lord" but after my first marriage to a JW ended in divorce for physical abuse, I was glad I didn't married another JW. I discovered TTAT this year and it was hard but glad i know the truth about the WT..... My husband struggles with finding a job and in the bedroom, not sure if its anxiety, sleep apnea, etc...

  Since i felt something was just not right about how he responded to things in our relationship when it came to emotional things or social places we discovered during the honeymoon that he might suffer from Asperger Syndrome. I read alot of information on it and was crushed more than TTATT... Intimacy in the bedroom is like water for me, its a matter of survival and i view that the same way when it comes to the bedroom... I am soo depressed and just can't fathom the idea of another failed marriage but don't care if that is what i need to do if need be....The possibility of him having Asperger is a major concern for me because it's affecting our relationship to the core plus with the bedroom issue i cannot imagine my life being like this for years to come..... I don't know what to do.... does anyone have any advice or known of marriages with one of the partners having Aspergers Syndrome?
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  Simon

  Maybe worrying about things is making things worse for both of you. There's nothing like pressure to perform to ruin any performance.

  Why not plan a romantic weekend away and discuss what each of you would like to happen while you're there ...

  "Dr Simon, agony-aunt"
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  JWdaughter

  If he is willing to talk to a doctor with you, it might make you understand the passengers better and get help with intimacy. If that is something he is unwilling or unable to do then you have some tough decisions ahead. Don't wait or let it drag on, it is soul killing to do that.

  Welcome to our nuthouse. Congratulations on discovering ttatt. How does that impact your extended family life? Do you have any support or shoulders around you?
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  Crazyguy

  You need to be the aggressor when it comes to your needs in the bedroom, make it fun and no pressure on him. If he still can't or isn't interested then it's time to move on. Now that you know ttatt you can have a real relationship and Premarital sex to see if your compatible.
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  LisaRose

  Asbergers can be a problem, but it doesn't mean you cannot have a successful relationship. You need to sit down and have an honest discussion with him about your needs and his willingness to try to meet those needs. Does he feel sex is a problem? Does he see he needs to change anything? In my limited experience with Asbergers, he may need to have things spelled out, they typically do not pick up on social subtleties.

  Think about the future and what you might expect going forward. Do you see yourself having children? Do you think he is capable of being a good father?

  Do not let that fact that you failed in a relationship previously affect your decision. This relationship either works or it doesn't. If this cannot work, it's better to find out now than five years from now, when you have even more time invested. Think long and hard about what you want and what he is capable of.
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  Olivia Wilde

  
  
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  kairos

  There are varying degrees of affliction in the autism/Aspergers spectrum.

  Anywhere from barely able to cope with anything to "high functioning".
  My JW wife believes I am the latter. I tend to agree.

  I find myself at times taking things too serious or too literal and this can cause a social conflict. Sometimes it takes special convincing to help me see an obvious mistake most others see.

  What type of behaviors/routines are difficult for you/him to cope with?
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  Khaleesi

  Simon:Yes i think i have put alot of pressure in that but he is in his mid 30s tooo young to be having problems, we are celebrating our anniversary soon so i hope he does have something plan or else i would be disapointed. Not sure why at mid 30s a man would be having issues, i am a woman so i don't know how that works in men...

  JWDaughter: Yes he is willing to talk to a doctor and has, Dr. says it might be anxiety or depression, the great thing he is open to it.... I live a very private life and don't like to talk to family about these things, they tend to take sides.... Did talk to his mom and his mom love me and she gives the right to where it belongs and did tell him it was wrong of him to not be fullfilling in bedroom as God mandates, she is not a JW, I am the only one in my family... I have talked to him many times but he avoids that "talk" he doesn't want to go there, i think its man thing because he changes the conversation or just stays quiet doesn't say anything......its a problem with us i didn't get married to not be intimate 3-4 times a week at a minimum I mean it's like water, survival here, its been dewindling to 2-4 times a month!!! In the begining of the relationship it was great, until 2 years after we decided to wait until we were married, i think this is where the harm was, got to complacent.... not sure what to do, each time i bring it up that this has to change he gets fustrated and upset at me.... trying so hard not to have thoughts that i am not suppose to.... lack of intimacy can drive me to loose that bond with him and worse yet my feelings start fadding for him... trying sooo hard for that not to happen but he doesn't get it, how crucial it is, its a mater of a divorce for me.....

  Crazy guy: I do seduce him and come on to him but he doesn't respond because he says he is shutdown, sooo devasting i feel rejected!!!

  LisaRose: yes exactly that it's frustrating trying to spell out things and with specifics, that is why i fear he has Aspergers syndrome..... No children, that is out of the question, i read some woman who had children with their Aspies partners and all had something in common "be prepared to not get alot of help from him", so I already thought about that long and hard and no children, which i am okay with that, he is the one that mentions children but not going to risk a baby coming with the same issue... I even read a specialist that said be prepared to raise the child on your own, don't expect much from the Aspergers parent....You hid it right at the mark it's the social communication ques they don't grasp or get...

  It's very difficult and i am on a breaking point, I guess if he doesn't give much thought into our anniversary that is my sign...
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  Khaleesi

  Kairos: He is very intelligent so I believe he is High functioning, his IQ is high.... It is the emotional empathy and his attention span can't concentrate even in the bedroom it has affected, not sure if Aspergers people have bedroom problems.... In public he gets overwhelm with sooo many people and shutsdown, i don't know what is the big deal but apparently for him it is.... even our communication skills are lacking because he doesn't understand why i feel a certain way about things and says things with no tact.... He buries his mind in reading, reading reading.... One great thing he doesn't do is flirt or he isn't a dog in heat if he sees a half naked woman in TV, movies or commercial.... it's frustrating, when talking to him i have to stick with one subject that happen at that moment, can't bring other subjects in to conversation...
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  Witness My Fury

  How did you miss this dating 4 years? Sorry i have to ask....