heartbroken and not sure what to do...

by Khaleesi 34 Replies latest social relationships

  • Khaleesi
    Khaleesi

    Witness my fury: no he doesn't look at porn, he would be honest with me about that, I asked and I even said "if you do it's okay I understand but just be honest with me" he says no and I believe him, he says he has no interest in watching porn I even suggested ( just to see what he says) and again an adamant no. You are right about tolerating it I wouldn't, i caught my 1st husband with it and i was furious, but with this situation I was willing to try anything... He doesn't masturbate, I suggested that too after a DR. told him too, he says he "I just don't have the interest of doing that, it does nothing to me" ... He was taking the brown & Blue pill and I think he has gotten used to the fact "I don't have any pills it won't work, I know my body"... He did have a great drive when we first started going out for the 2 years when I decided to come back from being DF, we stopped because of you know the fornication thing, he admitted to me recently that it changed on his part because we stopped and this is were I think the Aspies thing is, Aspies love routine you take them out of that routine it's distress for them and then the routine of nothing for 2 years until we got married, but he agreed to it at that time to wait to make it special I can pick up my drive like nothing. He had a great drive not sure where did it go.....Can you explain what you mean I didn't get this part: Maybe your gaydar doesnt work? You missed the aspergers after all. (sorry)

    dubstepped: I naturally always had a good drive 3-4 is low average for me, my ex hubs and I never had an issue it was constantly, at least once a day, our drives matched... No I don't have a whole to fill in, intimacy whether in the bedroom, outside, like holding hands, kissing, hugging, affection are all essential to my being, I am a natural lovable person and intimacy/sex is like the icing of the cake for me, some people love to receive gifts and being given lots of words of affirmation of how great they are, tooo me all physical touch is very important for me. I love closeness, I love fulfilling my partner in every aspect and I am very selfless, even when I am tired and sleepy if he would to wake me up or come on to me I would give in to him because I want to share that closeness with him, it's not just sex, its intimacy of the it would keeps me watered in love, hard to explain... telling him no even if I am very tired is like I am punishing myself too because I want that closeness and will find the will power to share it with him, I guess I am just very selfless in that area, I never say no and I never reject him because I know the times he's done that to me it feels awful. I went to the doctor myself and he says its normal and many men will kill to have their wife's interested in sex/intimacy....He is open to go see a professional to help with his anxiety... I guess I don't want 5 years from now being in this same situation and wasted 5 years, scares are being rooted in me and I don't want it to get to a point were I start having security issues.

  • Witness My Fury
    Witness My Fury

    Gaydar = your own ability (radar) to tell if someone is gay. this doesnt seem to be the problem though.

    If he doesnt masturbate and isnt interested in porn then that is possibly an aspergers thing or else he has next to no sex drive.

    You had good sex at one time, why? work that out and talk to him about it. If you slapped the brakes on because of guilt, his aspergers may trap him into that mode until you remove it from him again, that may take some time and lots of reassurance that the good times can and should roll again.

  • Bonsai
    Bonsai
    Khaleesi, welcome! I feel for you. I know my wife wants more of my attention as well. Us ADHD men can be a handful and a headache. Maybe you both need some marriage counseling?
  • bafh
    bafh

    I think you need to do some research about Aspergers. This isn't personal to you - his response is how his brain is wired. If you love him, do some research and get some help to figure out what YOU need to do. This kind of interaction is one thing that people with Aspergers struggle with - but it doesn't mean that your relationship has to fail.

    This has a lot to do with you being willing to accept him as he is, and see how to support him so that you both get what you want/need out of the relationship. It won't be a fast process, but if he is open and there is progress being made, then he deserves a chance to have this work.

    http://www.empowher.com/mental-health/content/tips-being-relationship-man-who-has-aspergers-or-autism

    http://www.asperger-training.com/as-and-relationships/

    http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2012/05/17/5-tips-for-loving-someone-with-aspergers-syndrome/

  • Tenacious
    Tenacious

    I'm sorry to hear about your troubles.

    Don't let anyone talk down to you for marrying a non-believer. We all make mistakes and are prone to continue making them. Who stand tall before God? No one!

    The very best advice I can give to you would be to first and foremost DO NOT GO NEAR ANY KINGDOM HALL. Sorry for the capital letters but I cannot stress this enough. You and I know what they will recommend you do (field service, pioneering, attend meetings, studying, etc.).

    Plan a date or a time to speak to him at home over a cup of tea, coffee, whatever, and pour your heart out to him about your concerns. Tell him you love him and want to make it work. If he is a non-believer do not push religion into the matter. Although you could read some Psalms and other texts as marital guides but nothing else and let him know so. Kinda like consulting a manual or reference book.

    Pray to Jehovah God and ask him to give you peace and tranquility and to help your marriage survive. If speaking with him does not help, try to find some counseling or a mediator. But don't worry yourself to death. Instead look to the positive side of your marriage and try to build on these.

    I'll be praying for you, your husband, and your home.

  • LisaRose
    LisaRose

    Forget the anniversary stuff, lack of intimacy would be the deal breaker for me. I am lucky to have that in my marriage, even though we are older. Sex and Intimcy is the glue that kind of holds things together, I can't imagine being married without that. What is the point then? Just to have someone to go out to dinner with once a week? You might as well be single, get a cat and make friends with your vibrator, and not have to put up with his issues. It's a major red flag this early in a relationship that he is just not feeling it.

    Maybe it's time for a separation while you think things through. If he doesn't see it's a problem and is not willing to deal with it are you ready to have a marriage without that?

  • GrreatTeacher
    GrreatTeacher

    Sounds like you are going to have to make major concessions if you want to stay in this marriage.

    Your sex drives are so mismatched. Even if you get him to be intimate a little more often, you are likely never going to get sex from him 5 times a week.

    If you can't live with that, it's good you found out early in the marriage so you can cut your losses.

  • cappytan
    cappytan
    Whoever clicked dislike on the OP is a f-Ing jerk ass-hole.
  • Sabin
    Sabin
    @cappytan, What is OP?, & also I think that there are some who just go through the forum pressing the dislike button to stir things up for people, just ignore it.
  • LisaRose
    LisaRose
    Sabin, OP is the original post. Sometimes people hit the dislike button by mistake, I've done that, some days I have fat fingers. I try to leave a post explaining that, but someone could have done that and not noticed.

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