I didn't think my JW family could find another way to hurt me but...

by Ghost of Esmeralda 73 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  Ghost of Esmeralda

  I'm having the hardest time with this. I don't want to see pictures of the wedding, to me it'd be an insult, as if they were throwing me a bone and that was supposed to make it all better now. Not that anyone will want to show them to me anyway, there is no way. I haven't seen any from either of the previous two weddings.

  I checked in with dad today and mom is apparently still in orbit. He said he'd call me later this week to have lunch.

  I'm just so completely physically and emotionally exhausted. I will never understand, or accept, that everyone else is entitled to their feelings, but I'm not.

  Incidentally, my father said he "just about fell out of his chair" when he saw my daughter come out of the ladies room in that dress and head down the aisle. They thought she was just in there saying hello to the Bride.

  My sister has no shame.

  thanks again everyone for the advise. I am trying very hard to smile and be happy about this for my daughter's sake, but she can tell it's forced. She's not brought it up today, and for now, I think that's for the best.

  ~essie
• 

  shamus

  I am stunned and horrified that you have to go through this. Thank god you have such good friends here that can help you. I am just sick about this.
• 

  Pistoff

  Disfellowshipping in the org is the closest thing I can think of to civil war, except that the hostilities are instigated by the ones who think they are in the right, and the df'd one is expected to NOT fire back.

  Sorry to hear this; take deep breaths and keep going, it will get better.

  Someone here wrote:

  I would like someone to explain to me how a 14 year old girl is not ready for marriage, but is capable of deciding to get baptized, a decision that will have far greater and longer-lasting effects on her.

  Here here; this social contract is OBSCENE when put onto a child. It should be, and in the minds of many, IS illegal.
• 

  Oroborus21

  Hi could you give me some backstory here because I am actually failing to see how this is such a big deal?

  Who got married? Is it your ex? Are you upset because as a DF'd person you weren't invited?

  Explain please.

  I can understand that you would feel upset if as a DF'd person you were not "invited" to the wedding but it seems like you did consent to letting your daughter go to the wedding so it can't be an issue of you not going yourself.

  Secondly, it doesn't seem reasonable to be upset about not seeing her be a flower girl at a wedding that you could care less about? As for it being a "special moment" that you may have missed it seems like there will be others--at weddings where you might attend.

  Finally, as a parent myself I can understand and might be upset myself that permission wasn't asked of me as since she is 7 years old I would expect that my consent to be a member of ANY wedding party should be obtained. I agree that not getting your permission is a violation of your parental rights and disrespectful to you. (Also if you are out expenses for her dress that you bought for her etc. then there is some legitimate gripe there too.)

  having said that, I am wondering if we looked at this from your daughter's perspective if this is really such a big deal.

  Your daughter is 7 and while she may be brilliant she doesn't know all the ins and outs or appreciates all the nuances regarding your feeligns and beliefs concerning Jehovah's Witnesses. Why are you laying all of that on her. Why are you making what actually appears to be a nice moment for her and turning it as some sort of attack on you and your family.

  ...again maybe I don't know all the background--but even objectively it appears to me that the fact is that to be a flower girl in ANY wedding is an honor and a nice thing for any young girl. She doesn't have to think about the actual couple getting married or what her relationship is to them, nor does any of the garbage regarding the Witnesses come into the picture.

  It is a wedding and she has a nice role in it. Let her enjoy that. You agreed to let her go to the wedding. So what if you didn't know she had a role in the wedding???? So what if they changed her dress so she could be in the wedding???

  THIS ISN'T ABOUT YOU! Evidently the couple wanted to HONOR your Daughter they are not trying to ATTACK YOU!

  I agree they should have gotten your permission. (By the way is your ex the one that got married? and is he your daughter's father?--because frankly then I think that you don't get to make the only decision and that if he desired his daughter to be a flower girl in his wedding then that should count for a whole lot too.)

  Your getting upset about this honor that was bestowed on your daughter is souring the experience for her. She may even be seeing how you and your husband are reacting and reflecting that negativity back instead of just having a positive attitude about it all.

  What is really lost here? What is the great crime? Your daughter has two beautiful dresses to wear now. She had a nice experience--she will always be able to say she was a flowergirl at a wedding. Really for HER was it so bad.

  I am sorry but it seems like you are making this about you. Let your daughter have her own experience without bringing in your own baggage and laying it on her.

  It is fine for you to raise her anyway that you want (within reason--that our society agrees on of course). If you want to teach her that JWs are a cult or destructive that is perfectly ok.

  But when a truly NICE thing comes along don't make it into this huge terrible JW attack upon you and your family. That just sends a message to your daughter that she can't feel good about anything and all it is going to do is create feelings of guilt whenever something does happen. I think too that if her aunt, your sister, wants to do NICE things for her niece that she should be allowed to do them. Obviously, there are rules of etiquette and at this age your parental consent should be obtained for many things but is the message that you want to really send to your daughter going to be: I DISAGREE with my Family therefore YOU can't have any association/relations with them either?

  That doesn't sound loving to me. And I think we should all try to teach our children to love.

  Don't get me wrong. I am not and have never been in support of Disfellowshipping as practiced in the Organization.

  What I am in support of is letting adults agree or disagree or make whatever choices they want to make, but for goodness sake, let children just be children. There will be time enough for them to sort everything out and for them to make up their own mind about life.

  --Eduardo
• 

  Billygoat

  *stunned*

  I am positively horrified to read this account. Essie I wish I could say something other than "I'm sorry", but words escape me.

  ((((((((((((((((((Essie))))))))))))))))))))) Love on that little girl like there is no tomorrow. Let her enjoy the memory if it all possible. I was a flower girl once and still remember what a princess I felt like.

  Andi
• 

  Scully

  {{{{{{{{Essie}}}}}}}}}

  I will never understand, or accept, that everyone else is entitled to their feelings, but I'm not.

  Whether "everyone else" likes it or not, you ARE entitled to your feelings. And let's face it, if the shoe was on the other foot, and you had been the one who deceived them about something as important as this event, they'd be screaming blue murder. They must have had the forethought to know how this would affect you, because they went to such lengths to hide it from you, your daughter, and the rest of your family. That demonstrates a callousness and selfishness that is utterly contemptible and reprehensible, IMO.

  The fact that your father was shocked at what took place shows just what lengths they went to in order to engage in this act of sabotage between you and your daughter. If this took place in a political arena rather than in your family, it would be considered an act of war, along the lines of kidnapping the heir to the throne.

  I am glad to hear that your father is showing a measure of compassion and understanding for your feelings. That, I know, is small consolation for what has been done, but at least you know he understands why you feel so deeply betrayed, and that he has some empathy toward how you are feeling.

  I feel so bad for your daughter, too. She must be so sad that she had any part in hurting you. I know you will reassure her that you don't blame her for what they did. The thing that sickens me the most is that they USED your daughter. First to selfishly include her (while excluding you) in their celebration, and secondly to stab you through the heart. Then they cheerfully gave her back to you as though everything is just fine! I am thoroughly disgusted with how they behaved.

  A restraining order would not be outside the realm of possibility if it were me.

  {{{{{{{{{{{{ Essie and little Essie }}}}}}}}}

  Love, Scully
• 

  calamityjane

  Right on Tom!

  Oroborus just doesn't get it, and I think its a waste to time to explain it to him and right now I'm too ticked with him to even give him a reasonable response to his stupidity, or ignorance
• 

  Sunspot

  " I am just so sorry for what happened with your little gal. But, if she were my daughter, I would build her up about being the flower girl, and underplay the deception. It is a huge thing in her life, and she won't forget it, so she may as well have good memories about the day. "

  You're right, Mulan. The kid already KNOWS there's friction and conflict, no need to feed her any more negativity. (I'm maturing-I wouldn't have said that at one time-lol!) But it's far better for her to remember the "Flower-Girl Moment", than how much it hurt her mom.

  " Someone owes you pictures, BIG time, and I wouldn't rest until I got them either. If you have to, tell them you want to make a little album for her to keep. Not every little girl could have been the flower girl, without advance preparation and I think she needs to feel good about herself for that."

  I SO agree! WONDERFUL suggestion! I love it!

  Funny you mentioned "pictures", cuz that was the way I found out that my grandson had been the Ringbearer and my son had given my daughter away when she became an Elderette. Neither one was a JW (must have "lightened up" on THOSE rules, huh?)

  When my son had moved back here to Upstate NY, he had a box of pictures we were going through last year, and that's when I saw him in the tux and the other pictures. I was so surprised.....I didn't have a clue. It must have been the way my daughter wanted it, cuz like I said, she never sent an invitation, nor would I have even KNOWN there was a wedding, but for another son who emailed to tell me. What would be the harm in her Dad and I seeing pictures of her WEDDING? Our oldest daughter's WEDDING? WHY would we want to see that? It's painfully obvious that she just wanted to be nasty. It's just SO slimey and hurtful of them all.

  I know people have been referring a lot lately to that part of the scripture that says "having no natural affection" but I'm gonna toss it out again. It FITS so well.

  Hugs,

  Annie
• 

  95stormfront

  I am glad to hear that your father is showing a measure of compassion and understanding for your feelings.

  If that's the case then his "measure of compassion and understanding for her feelings" should have moved him to action to put a stop to this travesty IMMEDIATELY since by, by all accounts, he knew full well that they played an "end run around" the mother on this issue. Instead, he let it pass to appease the perpetrators of this dispicable act and spare them the embarrasment.

  He took the line of least resistance just as the WT do with their child molesters.

  Frankly, I don't buy this brand of compassionate understanding. It's stinks of cowardice to me.
• 

  Jayson

  essie, A year ago I would have been screaming mad after reading this. Partly as a child of divorce wars I know first hand about being a weapon of emotions. And partly because it happened to me too in the same way. I find it hard to believe that more don't have personal stories just like yours to share. Hurting those who will not stay in the cycle of abuse is JW 101. I have a story just like yours involving a JW family wedding. You decide if breaking all contact with them including your children is the right thing to do. I can share that when I made that choice it was mentally violent in the begining because they went crazy. One at a time they started calling me wanting to be my new best friend. But, now my kids are so much happier and heathier. You will be too. What I know is no matter how low I think the bottom is with them there is a new cruelty they will do. And they do this to show you that the hurt can stop if you just come back. That is not true. The hurt stops when you break the cycle of abuse. There is a big world out there with lots of great people out there. The JW cults are just one of the sects that people live in. Find a group of people who love and accept you for who you are now. And then love them back in the same way. No person who loves you would hurt you the way that they have.