Former Elders Please - Disbeliever recently married to a JW

by doasthouwilt 35 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  Walter

  1.) How to avoid to be disfellowshipped:

  I fully agree with Sanchy's recommendation to say at Judicial Comittee: "I have hurt Jehovah and sinned against him, I've learned my lesson and have taken steps to never repeat it".

  And I recommend to add something like: "I have intensively asked Jehovah´s forgiveness. And now I do feel that he has forgiven me. I`m grateful that he has been blessing my deeds of repentance."

  2.) Does your wife know that you have read the "Shepherd"-book? If so, it is up to you if you want to point her to chapter 12:56-58, and to chapter 8:25-27.Those paragraphs show that it may not be necessary to install a JC, if a lot of years have passed, and if, in the meantime, the wrongdoer seems to have been blessed by Jehovah.

  Of course, these paragraphs do not describe your wife´s current situation, as not a lot of years have yet passed. But those paragraphs may motivate your wife to wait with confessing. Those paragraphs may calm your wife if she is currently not fully sure if, and when, to go the elders and to confess. And, moreover, it may help her to alienate from organization/congregation, if she becomes aware, that even grave sins can be forgiven by Jehovah, without installing any Judicial Comittee.
• 

  peacefulpete

  doasthouwilt......No I just walked away. I made no conscious effort to influence my wife or anyone else, it was a tough couple years. At a point I thought the right thing to do was let her be free and we separated. She found her own path out when she found the advice and sympathies offered to her to be insulting and empty. She finally asked me to share what I knew and it took very little to convince her she was correct in her conclusions. A determined witch hunter elder moved into the area and demanded we be disfellowshipped 'in absentia' years later. I'm sure it had something to do with our past positions in the church that made us someone to be made examples of. That's the condensed version. We had no desire to avenge or destroy the church, we saw it for what it was, a church like so many others. And we understood the pointlessness of forcing loved ones to chose between us or the religion. We knew we would lose. We had shunned many ourselves and we knew the score. So if you are asking what to expect, who knows, I've seen everything.
• 

  DesirousOfChange

  I've read thru all of this.

  1) She is still "active" and has even pioneered in the past recently.

  2) During this time, she has been in a (unmarried) sexual relationship with you for two years.

  3) The two of you have now married, and she is considering confession to the Elders.

  If this is correct, I believe if she tells it like it is (like it is stated above), she WILL BE disfellowshipped. Latest info on on-going sins (2-years kinda qualifies, don't ya think) is that one cannot suddenly find remorse and prove "works of repentance" enough to be "forgiven by the Cong" and only be disciplined by "reproof" -- which can by private -- to her alone; or public reproof -- where an announcement is made to the Cong that So-and-So has been reproved by a judicial committee but remains an active member of the Cong.

  Two years screwing around? She'll be disfellowshipped. It will likely be AT LEAST a year before she can request a meeting with those Elders to consider being "reinstated" into the Cong. She will have had to attend EVERY meeting, sing the songs, study (underline in) her Watchtower, etc etc (BUT NO SPEAKING TO ANYONE). Expect reinstatement to be at least 18 months, but more likely at least 2 years, especially since this is not her first offense of formication. They will not suggest she leave you or divorce you because marriage is "holy" even if it is with an "unbeliever".

  It probably would help if you attended and feigned some kind of interest. Say like, the reason you were attracted to her was because of her high morals which are a result of her religion. You realize how terribly you damaged her relationship with Joe Hoover and you feel really bad about it, too. But then they'd probably suggest a Bible Study for you with some Elder.

  The alternative action is to lie and say the "dirty deed" only occurred ONE TIME and she insisted you marry each other to "make things right" and that she is crushed and so repentant and beg forgiveness. THAT would have a good chance of yielding only "public reproof" with restrictions from commenting, etc for 6-12 months.

  She probably does not want to LIE! OMG! That's such a major sin. Of course, boinking dozens of times over the past two years didn't seem like a big deal. But lying does. (That is certainly a "Ya can't fix stupid!" kind of reasoning, right?)

  Psalms 32:5 says to "confess your sins TO GOD". It does NOT say to confess to 3 elders. If she considers that, she may decide that she has already confessed to God and these 3 men do not really deserve the whole story or the full accounting. JW's claim that you must only "tell the truth" to those deserving to know. Psalms says GOD DESERVES TO KNOW -- CONFESS TO HIM.

  James 5:16 says to "confess your sins to one another". JW's twist that to mean that you must confess to the Elders or "Older Men", but note -- that is NOT what James wrote.

  Good luck! Hope it goes well for both of you!

  The greatest revenge is living a happy & successful life!
• 

  doasthouwilt

  Lot's to consider here.
  
  DesiriousofChange - yes, that's the scoop exactly and what you describe is largely what I'm expecting, her too.
  I doubt I'd ever be able to attend a meeting, though I did have the 'pleasure' of passively listening to some 6 hour video broadcast recently, speckled with instrumental JW songs, it was some fairly big thing that happens annually (you probably know what it is) - all I could think in the end was how unnecessary it all was, start to finish - I told that to my wife. I can have passing encounters with it but not direct, it'll set off that disdain I mentioned earlier and I'd like to minimize that. I'm a good actor and could feign all sorts of things but don't believe I could stomach such direct exposure.
  
  Thanks all. Any commentary and insight helps with what's coming up. I'm off for a long weekend. Enjoy yours!
  
• 

  wannaexit

  She will probably be disfellowshipped. If she wants to go back, then she will have the arduous challenge of being shunned and having to grovel for months, going to all the meetings and sitting at the back of the auditorium. No one will be allowed to speak to her. My heart bleeds for her already.
• 

  Vanderhoven7

  Why does your wife want to be part of a high control family wrecking organization.

  If your wife needs religion, why not join a real church where there is love and your past is your past and no one will question you or her about what you did a few years ago.
• 

  DesirousOfChange

  Why does your wife want to be part of a high control family wrecking organization.
  If your wife needs religion, why not join a real church where there is love and your past is your past and no one will question you or her about what you did a few years ago. ~ Vander

  It doesn't (and likely cannot) make any sense to an "outsider". As a former JW, I feel exactly what she is going through. She's probably in some real pain from cognitive dissonance. She's coming to see that what she has so devoutly believed for so long, just does not make sense any more. She is likely blaming her falling in love with a "worldly man" as a test from Satan, which she has failed.

  Let's review: It's a Cult!
• 

  stan livedeath

  ive given this more this thought

  in your OP you said " She's going to make a confession about or relationship and it's past + details quite soon and she's prepared to be DF'd"

  so no one has accused her of anything at this stage--she hasnt had any elders nosing around--she hasnt been invited to a committee of 3 ?

  So why doesnt she just keep quiet--and get on with married life. She can attend meetings if she wants to, and if she wants to pioneer again ( barf)--then she will find out then if she is in good standing--or not.
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  doasthouwilt

  stan livedeath - the problem comes with the need to hide. We don't live together yet but we are actively looking for a place and will be living together very soon. Being a life-long JW she has MANY JW connections - even her employer is one (this is a cause for concern - will she still have that job?). Hiding while living together is irrational. People WILL come by, they WILL see evidence of my presence in the house - it would only be a matter of time before it was reported and it would be the same result, if not worse (confessing bodes better). Admitting is the least painful option and gets the inevitable out of the way sooner than later. I don't want to be hidden anymore as well, I'm so sick of having to be. Sometimes, depending on location, we don't even walk together in the market while shopping as there's a high likelihood she may run into a tattler or two.
  
• 

  stan livedeath

  but--your married ! Of course everyone expects you to live together. I doubt if an elder will ask her if she had sex before marriage--its none of their business.

  She might get frowned upon for marrying an outsider--but she hasnt broken any laws.