My Becoming a JW

by Juliana 35 Replies latest jw friends

  • asleif_dufansdottir
    asleif_dufansdottir

    One thing all the non- and x- JW men married to still-JW women need to keep in mind (I know you know it), is that the situation of a non- or x-JW woman married to a JW man is worlds apart from your situation.

    Those of us who have lived it would never advocate even 'giving it a chance'. There's too much risk that, even if he was inactive when married, something would click and he'd go back. The only way I'd advocate a relationship with an x-JW man is if he was a full-blown apostate. Yes, I know I'm cutting off some potentially great guys by saying that, and that's unfair to them, but it's just not worth the risk.

    Being a non-JW woman in a relationship with a JW man is binding up your heart in razor wire and broken glass and pouring on the salt. Day after day. It's being wounded and watching the wounds heal a little bit and having them ripped open again and again. And knowing he's doing this on the advice of his religious leaders, being urged to do this to you. And even though he claims to love you he's willing to do it. And I say this as someone who loves, and did love, a JW husband (he's out now)

    Hell, if my husband came home tonight and said, "I've been thinking about studying again, and going back." I'd leave him. Period. No discussion, no second chance. No way I would ever risk going through that particular hell again.

    As bad as being the non-JW husband is (and I know it's bad)...it's at least 10 times better than being a non-JW wife in similar circumstances. Trust us.

  • Charmed
    Charmed

    I was raised as a JW, but married a worldly man. He considered converting me and jumped on a site like this to learn about the religion. Then he came to me asked me all sorts of questions that I could not answer. At first, I was really upset because I kept thinking that not only did I fall in love with a worldly man, but I fell in love with an apostate! Eventually, I opened my eyes and began to see the cult for what it is, but that's been an unbelieveably difficult road. I think if you just tell him about this site, that should start off a good discussion for you guys. He might be upset, but maybe he'd do what I did and come here to try to give an answer to your questions and he'd open his eyes.

    I'm so sorry you are going through this.

  • jws
    jws

    As you've said, you don't believe in God (or at least have strong doubts) and not much religious training. Beware because Jehovah's Witnesses will make it appear like they have it all figured out. They have an answer for everything. To somebody who doesn't know the bible, this can be amazing, but don't be taken in by it. There is enough published on the web to show flaws with their beliefs. They are merely a man-made religion that came up with their own thoughts about what is and isn't the "truth" and nothing but a handful of men gets to have any say over that. The rest are expected to align their thinking with the beliefs of these men. And even their beliefs change over time. People in the religion 100 years ago would get kicked out for what they believed if they were alive today. Don't ever be tricked into following their version of the "truth".

    The part about them having answers for everything is also part of the traps. They often set guidelines on everything in life. The length of your hair, type of makeup, career path, style of dress, hobbies, even the intimacies of the private sex life between you and your husband. Sometimes they may word it like you have some lattitude, but in reality, the JW culture does not see the lattitude. It's either black or white to them. If they say that something is a matter of conscience, but a "mature Christian" wouldn't want to do it, you'd better not get caught doing it.

    And there are other ways to control your life. You will be expected to attend a 2 hour service on Sundays, a 2 hour and a 1 hour service on two weeknights, and be expected to go out knocking on doors for at least 2 hours a week. Otherwise, expect people to show up and start "encouraging" you to do so. And beyond that, you are encouraged to study their materials before these services, requiring additional time. There are also activities you will be expected to be involved in too. One is the Ministry School, where you will be required to write material and and present it to an audience. There's also volunteering, like for cleaning their church. There's plenty to keep you busy. I didn't realize how much time there was in a week until I left.

    Like others have said, if this guy is in love with you and wants to marry you, he has already broken the rules. I was there in his place. I dated wordly girls (their private term for non-JWs like you). Always, in the back of my mind was the hope that if I fell in love with one, I could get her to convert to being a JW. Part of that was the JW "man-in-charge" type thinking that I could force my wife to do whatever I said and she would listen because I was the man. He wants you to become a JW so he can save face and make it all OK. Find out whether he really loves you. Has he told his friends about you? Has he told his family? Or are you a secret he keeps on the side? Only when you become a JW, will he reveal your relationship. That doesn't sound too loving. I did that and did not realize how much I was hurting the girl, but I also knew how much I would hurt my dad by revealing I was dating a worldly girl.

    He's supposed to marry another JW. This is probably a guy who didn't like the "selection" of girls in his church. Or maybe he's a little bit of a rebel and they didn't like him. So he starts looking on the outside. You are not where he preferred to look, but now he's met you anyway and fallen for you. Now you must become what he wanted in the first place. What does that say about what he thinks of you?

    Take the fact that he's willing to bend the rules and bring him to this site or other JW sites on the web. Instead of him converting you, pull him out. Save him. Maybe you can both end up happy, but it won't happen if one or both of you are Witnesses.

  • Kenneson
    Kenneson

    If you ever marry this man, you will marry his religion. And I'm sorry to say, it's not a match made in heaven. Be forewarned.

  • Mulan
    Mulan

    I hope we didn't scare Juliana away. She hasn't replied or posted again. Darn!

  • jws
    jws

    If Juliana is still listening, I'd like to add more.

    When I got married, I ended up with some great in-laws who like me and welcomed me to their family.

    IF this guy has JW parents and you do not choose to become a JW, they may or may not accept you. Even if they accept you, you will be like the step-child - never really part of the family. They may talk to you, but there'll always be that invisible dividing line. On the other hand, if you actually become a JW and stop, it's a whole different set of rules. From then on, you're shunned. They may say "hi" to you, but that might be about it. The only time they may talk to you afterwards is if there is some family crisis.

    Of course, each family is different, and some may not hold to these cruel behaviors as much as others.

    Just more to think about before getting involved...

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