Disappointed not disfellowshipped.

scotsman

My mum recently grassed me in to the elders. The C.O. to be precise. She told him that she knew I was being immoral, I think she said that I had confessed it to her. Then she told me what she had done. I was stunned. Weeks prior she had told me that she would be willing to have dinner with me and my partner (male). Within a few days the elders started trying to contact me and over the period of a week I ignored their telephone messages. Although I work in a family business my mum and I have barely spoken to one another - work topics only - as if I was already disfellowshipped. Then yesterday she pipes up that the elders have decided not to pursue it and so I won’t be disfellowshipped. She clearly expected me to be relieved.

It feels like an anti-climax. It also means that my potential anger with the WTBTS has nowhere to go and all I’m left with is my mum’s betrayal, and feeling extremely hurt. Although I can still blame the WTBTS on some level, the day to day fact is that it’s between my mum and me. We’re a close family, my father died 11 years ago and as the youngest son left at home I’m the one who helped her through her grief and helped her develop a successful life as a widow. She’s a kind, generous and loving woman and yet she was prepared to sacrifice our relationship for her religion. She says that I must understand why she did what she did, and the annoying thing is that I do.

I know she loves me, I love her, I just feel so hurt that I can’t resume the relationship we had before. What concerns me is that I will become the baddie in this, that it will be me who cools our relationship because I’m hurt rather than her withdrawing because I’m disfellowshipped.

Am I making sense?

scotsman

cowhand

Scotsman

Is it a measure the weird games the WTS has played with us that notwithstanding my being out now for over 20 years that I can still understand your mother?

All the same I have difficulty believing that things can be the same between you again.

I think you and she may have to have (another) long talk. Sounds like you are reaching crisis point.

If you can take disfellowshipping and the possible rupture of the relationship with your mother you may have to try harder next time!

Go Well

Scully

She's already shown you where her loyalties are, by assuming that you would be disfellowshipped, even before the congregation took any action, and then curtailing the relationship herself.

So you are justified, imo, to be angry and hurt.

Having said that, though, many JWs feel that they have no choice but to apply the WTS's rules on shunning. When they don't, they feel miserable because they believe they are not living up to God's Standards™. For their own sense of self-efficacy, they practice and endorse shunning of family members. They would stop doing it in a heartbeat if the WTS changed its position on DFing, DAing and shunning.

I am not saying that shunning is OK or even that it's right, because I think it is abhorrent and wrong for any group to impose rules that tear families apart. However, I do want my family to be happy and feel that they are serving God in the best way they know how, even if it means that they shun me and my children. I don't like it at all, but I love them enough to put their happiness and their feelings of being right with God above my own happiness. I have learned to derive happiness from other sources in the meantime, even though I miss having a close relationship with my family.

If you can love your mom enough to let her do what she feels she needs to do in order show her love for God, she will hopefully someday realize that your unconditional love for her is more than what Jehovah and the WTS could ever give her in return for her servitude.

Love, Scully

cat1759

Hi Scotsman,

I am sorry to hear about the betrayal of your mother. She was only doing what she thought was right. She doesn't want to displease Jehovah. Her heart hurts for you I am sure. She is probably so torn from this whole situation also and feels so helpless.

Our Moms good bad or indifferent do try to do the best for us. If there is a way to sit and talk this whole thing out with her. Keep the lines of communication open as you have this reprieve. You were there when she needed you most and now it is her turn to make some decisions. Hopefully to be there for you.

You are going through an extemely hard time and you need some really positive energized friends to help you through. Go to some support groups. Make some friends outside the congregation. This was extremely positive for my son. Although I had left the organization before anything came up.

Do not let anyone define who you are. Do not feel guilty for all the love you have given others. Your Mom will need this compassion if you can give it.

Sincerely,

good luck in the near future

Cathy

unbeliever

My mom turned me into the elders several times and I was never even baptized. She thought they could straighten me out. She also turned in my sister who was then promptly DF'd.

I don't trust her as far as I can throw her. I share nothing with her about my personal life and I have long since left the borg. I had a 2 year relationship and she did not have a clue. Once I moved and did not even tell her. She gets upset when she finds out things about my life from the neighbors who I still keep in touch with. I'll get these e-mails asking how I can be so cruel. HELLO????

My mom has pulled so much crap that I am not worried about being the "baddie". It might take several betrayals/rejections to get to the "I don't give a shit what you think or what kind of relationship I have with you". I wish I had advice for you but I don't. Now I am beginning to think my post does not make a damn bit of sense.

Swan

Dear Scotsman,

I won't make any apologies for your mom. What she did was inexcusable! It was disloyal, unloving, and unchristian. She may not see it that way, but it is true. Anyone else rooted in reality would tell you the same. Good parents don't behave that way. Good parents show unconditional love to their children and support them. They don't sacrifice their children to some faceless god. Parents like that are no better than the parents who sacrificed their children on an altar to Baal or Astarte.

You have every right to be angry with her. You have every right to ignore her while you have these feelings. In time, there may be healing, and you may feel better about pursuing a relationship with her. In the meantime, she has caused the rift and it is her fault. She needs to make amends and ask for forgiveness. She is the one who should feel the consequences of her betrayal of you.

It is your feelings that count now. Feel your feelings. Don't bury them because she is trying to make you feel guilty. You have no reason to feel guilty and burying your feelings is harmful. Don't let her off the hook if you don't feel like it. You have every right to be angry and work through that anger.

Tammy

kgfreeperson

I think she must be giddy with relief that god's spirit directed organization isn't telling her that you are going to be annihilated or that she's going to have to shun you for the rest of your lives. I can see how she might miss the fact that she betrayed you and the consequences could have been quite different--in fact, could still be quite different if the elders do a "what were we thinking" about face. Please accept my sympathy and spare some for your poor misguided mother.

Gopher

What concerns me is that I will become the baddie in this, that it will be me who cools our relationship because I’m hurt rather than her withdrawing because I’m disfellowshipped.

Scotsman -- you didn't make the move to cool things off. Your mom did, for whatever reasons (between her and her God, I guess).

Don't blame yourself! If she withdraws, just know that there are plenty of us out here who have "lost" our parents to the mind-wizards of Brooklyn, NY. It leaves a hole in one's life, but after a while you will find plenty of folks of all ages who will provide unconditional love. Few if any of those folks will call themselves JW's, however.

mustang

Scotsman,

You make sense. And it is good to be able to realize where she was coming from. Things likely will never be the same.

Advice? What is best to do is a good question. Personally, I would back way off, but maintain contact. Firmly let her know that you were betrayed and disagree with her tactics. Let the distance speak for iself.

Welcome to the "Recipient of the 'I did it for your own good' " Club.

Unbeliever,

Substitute a father for your mother and we are in the same boat. When I successfully drifted away, moving ~3000 miles, he sent the local Borg-dorks after me.

You make sense, too, considering that you will likely always be conflicted after the way you have been treated.

Mustang

Aggravated Class

garybuss

Now, take the book publishing corporation out of the picture and you have the real issue. None of these conflicts have a thing to do with the book publishing business. Our relatives are just using the book printing company as a convenient tool. The issue is control and aggression. The religion front is just a distraction. What if they had called the cops instead of the printing company elders? What would be different, really? They see the religious context of their control tactics as righteous aggression. They can be nasty and manipulative and unethical and disloyal and still be righteous. It's a perfect little high ground context for their covert nastiness.

I say take it away from them. Make em face the reality of their behaviors without the religious excuse. GaryB

Disappointed not disfellowshipped.

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