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Having children later in life........my dilemma
by logansrun 27 Replies latest jw friends
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siegswife
Hi there! Having been an extremist most of my life I've experienced the situation from both sides of the coin. I was very young when I had my oldest son (just turned 15) and 38 when I had my daughter. Speaking from those experiences, I think that I'm a better mom to my daughter than I was to my sons. I think that younger people tend to be a bit more selfish. When I was younger, I found that I often put my own interests above those of my children. Not that they went without or that I always put my wishes above theirs, but I was more inclined to be self motivated than family oriented.
I realize that not everyone is like that and I'm not saying that would be true in your case. You have certain goals that you want to accomplish and the reality is that children will definitely be an influence in what direction your life takes. IMO, it's better to wait until you are comfortable with where you are in life so that any self sacrifices you make for your children won't keep you from reaching your goals. You'll already be there for the most part and will have more to offer you children emotionally, intellectually and physically.
Lea
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waiting
Of all the things to worry about at your age..........this ain't one of them.
Bradley, run down to the bookstore and find you a Cosmo or the men's magazines equivalent thereof. They always have at least one article on "having it all". Read, apply, and shut the fuck up. -6
Such sage advice for a man with two earrings.
waiting - 53yrs old, and learned recently her 52 yr old son-in-law is making her a grandmother for the first time - in about 6 months now.
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tinkerbell82
personally, i won't even think of having children till i'm in my thirties. my mom had me when she was nineteen and then popped out three more kids in rapid succession after that. she is a great mom and she never complains about it, but i know she missed out on a lot of opportunities and all of her youth to be a mother. i'm sure she regrets not being able to finish college and things like that. your twenties are all about exploration imo, and having kids young makes that all much more difficult.
and being a young parent doesnt always help you better relate to your offspring...my dad is only 19 years older than me, and he was an awful inept parent who's even less mature than i am, and we barely even speak. maybe if he'd had a chance to sow some wild oats, he's have stuck around to be a decent parent. just my opinion.
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cruzanheart
Big Tex and I waited 10 years into our marriage to have children (he's almost 7 years younger than me, FYI), for a lot of reasons. I think the advantage of waiting is that we got to firmly establish our relationship so the times with the kids when we can't finish sentences for weeks on end is a little easier to deal with. We had Jennie when I was 37 (2 months shy of 38) and Jackson when I was 40, and they are both perfectly healthy and beautiful children. We may not have the energy of younger parents, but we have more patience (sometimes). There's pros and cons both ways, but if you love your children with all your heart, it will be okay no matter what age you have them.
It's actually kind of scary how easy it was to get pregnant when we started trying -- makes me REALLY glad somebody (can't remember who) put the brakes on back in 1982 in that park in Lancaster (or was it behind Kroger's?). Us two pioneers would have had LOTS of 'splaining to do!!! And I'd be the mother of a college student!!! Ack!!!
Nina
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SheilaM
Bradly:
You know just because you have children you don't stagnate for 18 years. Thunder and I always made time for each other and that is why we have a wonderful life in the empty nest we are perched in. We had our kids young and wish we had a couple of more. But, not sure if it will work due to a vasectomy. Reversals aren't always possible.
Just remember that children can grow while you reach for your own dreams also. I didn't go to school not because I had kids I just didn't think I would do well and fighting the dubs would have been too much. The only thing we didn't do was leave our kids so we could go out to party. But, we did leave them at their Grandma's (my stepmoms) so we could go on vacation when they were older we had our family vacation then Thunder and I took time in Colorado to be together.
So just thought I'd give you the other side.
PS I had Grandbaby yesterday we went shopping with my sons girlfriend and her sister. Lugging miss Mak around was very tiring but I still think I could do it LOL
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teejay
I had my first (and only) child four years ago. The day we found out we were pregnant, I told the wife that the baby was a girl. Something told me. Maybe it was my wish speaking to me. I was 42. Yeah, I know... a little later than the ideal but she's the best thing to happen to me in my entire life.
You're not even thirty and you're worrying about this? Relax, dude. I'm with Waiting. You got plenty time. -
logansrun
Thanks to all for your wise counsel (especially Sheila, Cruzan, Teejay....all the parents). I guess there is no "one way" to this issue.
Tinkerbell -- if ever you decide not to have a child but still enjoy the process of making one, please let me know. You too OTS. hehehehe
Bradley
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Francois
"I think that having children greatly adds to satisfaction in life, especially as you get older. (The thought of being a grampa is very appealing to me...weird, huh?)"
What's weird about that statement to me is that you think it at all. What is that statement based on? Did you enjoy and love your grandfather? How do you come by assuming that having children greatly adds to satisfaction in life? I mean, it may all be true, but why is it true for you, or is it your own biological clock ticking (men have them too, you know?) Is it instinct talking to you? My instincts, but it doesn't tell me what to do. Hehehe.
I have enjoyed my children when they were children, especially my girl. She still is the source and object of great love for me. My son was that, however he has allowed his girlfriends to lead him down the poppy-lined lane, and now the fear I feel for he and his future with heroin admixed is beyond words. I feel like there is a great weight on my chest at all times, and I simply don't know what to do with or for him.
Additionally, even though you may marry relatively late, it becomes dangerous for older ladies to marry late as the likelihood of giving birth to a child with Down Syndrome becomes more likely the older the lady is.
I do feel you should fully complete your education to the full extent prior to getting married and fathering children. Fathering children will and does change your life in ways you would never expect; in fact it changes YOU in ways you would never expect, and in ways I cannot describe except to say that it is completely indescribeable. But I can and will say that from the time the nurse put my daughter in my arms for the first time, a change of gigantic proportions came over me, and they've never left. I'm different in many ways, some of them unknown to me I feel sure. But to give you just a small insight, I would not have hesitated - when the nurse put Rachel in my arms, nor at any time since - to instantly give my life for my little girl. No questions asked. I have lived a life, and she should be able to live hers. And if it cost mine for her to be able to have her life then so be it. That's the best I can do in describing how you are changed by having children.
So think very hard about it before leaping empty-handed into that void.
francois